Page 23 | To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

loonyloo · 2025-08-25T19:31:46+00:00

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this. I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come. I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end. I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish. I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

CommonAsMucklowe · 26/08/2025 18:03

You're 40 not 4. A party just for you is fine.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 18:05

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 16:20

I think this point is being overlooked.

Brother's Wife accepted the invitation for both of them. There was clearly some communication, It's a fair assumption that OP would have mentioned that she was inviting some of DBs friends.

At any time, they could have let OP and DB's friends know that they weren't coming and she could have changed her arrangements. They didn't.

It wasn't kind to pretend to be coming, to let OP continue with the arrangements and then deliberately not show up It's also two fingers up to his friends who bothered to show up too. Why did he have to involve his friends into his idea of teaching his twin a lesson, so they could witness her disappointment on the night? He sounds like a Brat.

Instead, the brother could have had the grace to say I know we accepted your invitation but I now decided not to come. If it was his birthday too... if he KNEW he wasn't coming to the party.. what else was he planning to do on the day? At 40 he's presumably old enough to have just said "sorry I've already made other plans to celebrate." Its not difficult at all.

Yes the OP should definitely have listened to her brother months ago or had a more recent conversation with him and just had the party for herself - although she says he has form for protesting about social events but actually enjoying them when he does attend. His wife clearly wanted both of them to go to the party.

OP I don't think you were being "selfish".. you were perhaps being over generous and perhaps trying to people please. I don't think you should struggle to please your DB anymore. Maybe in future you should think a bit more about yourself, because you threw a party, inviting people you wouldn't normally have invited etc on someone else's behalf. You should stop thinking what would my brother like? And just think what would I myself like from now on?

As for your friend. Even if she thought you were wrong, she could see you were upset and the way she spoke to you was just plain rude. Why do you spend time with someone who talks to you like that? If she had a point to make, there are nicer ways to convey it. You'd both been having a disagreement in advance of the party conversation. She sounds quite angry. You said she has form being being a bit "unfeeling" and needs to watch her temper, so it sounds like her snapping at you has happened before. She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbf.

What normally happens when you have a disagreement with your brother? How do you expect him to behave towards you going forward?

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The brother's wife did not accept the invitation for both of them - it wouldn't have been her place to do so. OP told us in her very first post: "I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come. I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said." OP's brother has never "pretended" he was going to attend - quite the opposite - he made it very clear, even before OP started organising the party, that he would not attend. Two women (OP and his own wife!) tried to manipulate him into attending a party he didn't want, and he stood his ground - good for him!

IndigoBluey · 26/08/2025 18:20

Would you have appreciated it if your twin brother had organised an event that wasn’t your cup of tea? I doubt it. Seems selfish to organise a party for you both when it was you, not he, who wanted a party.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 26/08/2025 18:24

I have twins in my family, several sets, and after the age of about 7/8 and certainly by teen years, when they developed different friends and interests, they had their own birthday parties. So IMO you are being very weird at the age of 40 in insisting that your brother join in your party. You are being selfish and forcing something against his will, for no other reason than 'I want this'. If that's a regular thing for you outside of your relationship with your brother, I'd suggest some reflection, as your friend may be right.

JayJayj · 26/08/2025 18:25

Your friend could probably have been more tactful but, if she flipped out like she did, it sounds like it’s something that’s been building. Maybe some self reflection on your part is needed.

The party is obvious. You were selfish and ignorant of his needs/wants.
You want a party- so have a party
He doesn’t want a party- told you he won’t be going to yours.

Then you acted all shocked because he doesn’t go!!! Why do your feelings and wants trump his?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 18:26

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 18:05

The brother's wife did not accept the invitation for both of them - it wouldn't have been her place to do so. OP told us in her very first post: "I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come. I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said." OP's brother has never "pretended" he was going to attend - quite the opposite - he made it very clear, even before OP started organising the party, that he would not attend. Two women (OP and his own wife!) tried to manipulate him into attending a party he didn't want, and he stood his ground - good for him!

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His wife said he'd come. So she did accept the invitation for both of them.
That's quite a normal thing for couples to do
Whether she had his permission or not to accept on his behalf at the time we don't know.

She too could have texted the OP when she realised the DB wasn't going to show up, but being an adult and having been given a date and an invite, he could have used his words and said "As I told you before I don't want a party. Thanks but I'm not coming."

outerspacepotato · 26/08/2025 18:32

You wanted a party. You think, for whatever put there reason, that it has to be for you and your bro.

Your bro didn't. He told you he would't come.

You FAFO.

Then you tried to get your friend to come to your hobby after she already said no.

Again FAFO.

Do you need a tattoo? Because you are really pushing past boundaries people in your life are setting with you.

NO MEANS NO.

Jumpers4goalposts · 26/08/2025 18:35

YABU you ignored his wishes and did what you wanted to do anyway.

SmurfnoffIce · 26/08/2025 18:41

His wife said he'd come. So she did accept the invitation for both of them.
That's quite a normal thing for couples to do

Is it? Seems pretty controlling to me.

It sounds like OP’s SIL is a fellow “I know best” type who has decided her husband “needs to get out more” or just needs a bit of encouragement. Maybe they both need to back off a bit.

BettysRoasties · 26/08/2025 18:45

I mean the wife also did text on the day of the party to say he wouldn’t be coming.

So he rejected a joint party.

Wife accepted an invite to a party.

He still did not accept invite to party or to share a joint party.

He didn’t arrive.

Man has a shiney spine and won’t be beaten into parties his sister or wife try to force on him.

andthat · 26/08/2025 18:50

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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Stop riding roughshod over what people are telling you they want or don’t want!

Why do you know better than them about what is good for them?!

I’d be pissed off with you too.

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 18:51

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 18:26

His wife said he'd come. So she did accept the invitation for both of them.
That's quite a normal thing for couples to do
Whether she had his permission or not to accept on his behalf at the time we don't know.

She too could have texted the OP when she realised the DB wasn't going to show up, but being an adult and having been given a date and an invite, he could have used his words and said "As I told you before I don't want a party. Thanks but I'm not coming."

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I’ve never accepted an invite on my husband’s behalf, and I wouldn’t tolerate him accepting one on mine. Adults get to decide for themselves whether they want to do something or not.

OP had already been told no, so she had no business going behind his back and asking his wife. His wife accepting the invite does not override her husband’s clearly delivered ‘no’. Her brother isn’t obliged to go because his wife said yes.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 18:57

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 18:26

His wife said he'd come. So she did accept the invitation for both of them.
That's quite a normal thing for couples to do
Whether she had his permission or not to accept on his behalf at the time we don't know.

She too could have texted the OP when she realised the DB wasn't going to show up, but being an adult and having been given a date and an invite, he could have used his words and said "As I told you before I don't want a party. Thanks but I'm not coming."

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It doesn't matter what his wife said - she isn't him. Do you allow your DP to speak for you? I don't. His wife absolutely didn't have his permission to accept on his behalf - that couldn't be clearer from the fact that he'd already "used his words", months earlier, to tell OP he didn't want a party and wouldn't be attending any she organised. I really don't know why you're struggling to understand this? All the information we need has been given by OP - and none of it reflects well on her.

Anabla · 26/08/2025 18:58

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 17:35

I totally agree. I'm also an identical twin and as adults we've shared just one birthday celebration together (our 40th) because we both wanted to go to the same place on holiday (we never had parties as children because my parents couldn't afford such luxuries). I wouldn't dream of foisting my choices on my DTS and nor would she on me. We have DHs, our own friends and our own lives and see each other as individuals (even if, sometimes, others don't). The idea that twins (particularly identical ones) can't live independently of each other, or that if we can then we can't be emotionally close, is simply bizarre.
What's even more strange about OP's attitude is that she and her brother aren't identical twins (obviously!) so they wouldn't even have grown up with the endless strangers in the street saying "Ooh, look, twins!" as we did (I'm sure you had this too). They'll be no more alike than regular siblings so I doubt anyone made any remarks about them at all, so why OP holds this belief that they must have a joint party simply because they're "twins" baffles me.

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I agree. I'm a non identical twin (boy and girl) and its no different from having another sibling aside from the fact we share a birthday! I don't get this thing the OP has that as they are twins it would be weird if they didn't celebrate their birthday together. As someone said they are 40 not four. I was about 7 last time I held a joint birthday with my twin. Twins aren't just one mass unit. In fact I probably wouldn't even remember it was my twins birthday on my birthday unless my mum reminded me!

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 18:59

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 18:26

His wife said he'd come. So she did accept the invitation for both of them.
That's quite a normal thing for couples to do
Whether she had his permission or not to accept on his behalf at the time we don't know.

She too could have texted the OP when she realised the DB wasn't going to show up, but being an adult and having been given a date and an invite, he could have used his words and said "As I told you before I don't want a party. Thanks but I'm not coming."

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And no, he doesn’t owe her further communication because she refused to take his ‘no’ for an answer. If OP’s pushiness bites her on the ass and she’s left in embarrassed that’s her own fault. She should have listened the first time. Hopefully she was embarrassed enough that she’ll think again in future.

FeetLikeFlippers · 26/08/2025 19:08

Unless there’s more backstory to this, I think it was very disrespectful of you to ignore his wishes like that. If having a big party was so important to you, there was nothing to stop you from organising it just for yourself. It kind of feels like you are blaming your brother for embarrassing you by not turning up, when you actually did that to yourself. And you potentially embarrassed HIM by telling people it was a party for both of you - when he didn’t turn up, did you admit to people what had happened or did you just let him look bad for not being there? I’m sorry but it does sound like you have very little self-awareness and don’t consider how your actions could affect other people.

TrixieFatell · 26/08/2025 19:15

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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With this and the party it seems that you think you know better than other people. Both your brother and your friend have said no to something but you then see this as a reason to push something. I'm sorry your friend upset you but I can kind of see her point.

Your intention seems to come from a good place but you need to listen to what people are saying and not think you know best.

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

OP posts:

NJ84 · 26/08/2025 19:26

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loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:29

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Anabla · 26/08/2025 19:31

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

I haven't spent any of my milestone birthdays with my twin or other sibling. And honestly? I couldn't have given a shit, it was really neither here nor there if they were there.

Why do you need to do something joint for your birthday? Me and my twin have had well over 25 years of seperate birthday celebrations. It isn't about either of us "getting our way" or not doing anything for "our" birthday. We're seperate people with seperate friends and lives. We're not toddlers anymore who always need to do everything together.

You don't get to decide how your brother celebrates his birthday just because your his twin. People have quite rightly called out your selfish behaviour.

BengalBangle · 26/08/2025 19:33

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

Doubling down 23 pages in? Jesus suffering fuck...🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

Anabla · 26/08/2025 19:31

I haven't spent any of my milestone birthdays with my twin or other sibling. And honestly? I couldn't have given a shit, it was really neither here nor there if they were there.

Why do you need to do something joint for your birthday? Me and my twin have had well over 25 years of seperate birthday celebrations. It isn't about either of us "getting our way" or not doing anything for "our" birthday. We're seperate people with seperate friends and lives. We're not toddlers anymore who always need to do everything together.

You don't get to decide how your brother celebrates his birthday just because your his twin. People have quite rightly called out your selfish behaviour.

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You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

OP posts:

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:39

BengalBangle · 26/08/2025 19:33

Doubling down 23 pages in? Jesus suffering fuck...🤦🏼‍♀️

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Yes how dare I defend myself after 23 pages of people telling me I'm a cunt for wanting to celebrate my birthday with my twin

OP posts:

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So why on earth did you post in the first place ? You’re not self aware. You can’t see anyone else’s point of view, you’re berating your friend for being honest and you haven’t taken on board a single thing anyone here has said. You’re just doubling down on your original position because you don’t like what people are saying. What is it that you want from this thread ?