To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

(Also a twin here!) I can understand being disappointed and absolutely have a party, but he did kind of make it clear he wouldn’t attend even if something was organised. My twin and I don’t always see each other on our actual birthday if got other plans / away etc. as much as it would be lovely to we both respect that we are our own beings with our own lives. In the nicest way - you kind of just disregarded his views and the boundary he had laid out (i.e. you organise something then I will not be coming) and bulldozed on anyway and then were surprised when he meant it 🤷‍♀️ He had a right to not come just as much as you did to throw a party.

Maybe. But his wife presumably does know what he's like... what were they planning to do for his 40th that weekend?
We don't know if they discussed it but its not unreasonable to think they would and she'd have mentioned the date to him and that she'd accepted before the actual event. And she as the acceptee could have contacted OP if he wasn't prepared to. They've got text.

Yet op still thinks that it’s all of us that doesn’t understand… 🙄

Ahh yes, @HevenlyMeS - the attitude that says being an extrovert is the only ‘right way to be, and introverts are wrong or broken in some way, and just need to be fixed - by being pushed into social situations that will make them uncomfortable. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that people are different - some love socialising, are happily extrovert and love parties, and others are introvert, find socialising very exhausting and tiring, and don’t want to go to every party - and that neither group is wrong, but equally neither group has the right to say their way is the only right way to be.

I am an introvert and I find any socialising exhausting - my ‘social battery’ runs empty really quickly, and I need some quiet, alone time to recoup. This is even when we have one or two people come to stay with us - not just massive parties, but even much smaller social situations. So I have to pick and choose the things I do, so that I’m not flattened by exhaustion.

But I wouldn't dream of saying that extroverts should be more like me, and need a lot more quiet time. I don’t think I’m right and extroverts are wrong - but there does seem to be an attitude amongst extroverts that there is something wrong about being introverted and we just need to buck up our ideas and be like them. Can you see why I find that problematic?

“He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff”. No he doesn’t. He likes being unsociable in the same way that you like being sociable. He doesn’t need to be encouraged to attend events. He is happy not doing this.
Excellent point. I'm an introvert and I have had a lifetime of people trying to "fix" me, force me to enjoy the same kind of things as they do etc. I don't need fixing. I don't "struggle" at social events, I just don't like them. I can make small talk when I have to and I'm quite an accomplished and experienced public speaker. I can deal with people perfectly well. But I don't find things like parties or other large social gatherings relaxing, enjoyable or rejuvenating so if I don't have to go to them I won't. I'd rather go for a long bike ride. I have no difficulty whatsoever understanding that whilst most of my friends and family can ride a bike a lot of them wouldn't choose to do it for fun. That doesn't mean they're "damaged" in any way. I don't think that they need to be coerced into coming cycling. I can see that they don't like it and that they do like other things. They don't need curing of their inability to enjoy the same things as me. I doubt the OP's brother needs fixing either, just to have his own personality, tastes and wishes respected.

At some point OP, you have to take a good look in the mirror.

If everyone is telling you that you’ve made a mistake - it’s no good telling yourself they’re all wrong. Because they’re not - you’re the problem.

You wanted your friend to do an activity; you wanted a birthday party and decided your brother should share it, although he told you plainly he didn’t want to; you thought he should have enjoyed it if he’d just turned up, when he told you he wouldn’t.

This is all you thinking you know what’s best for other people, being too forceful and riding roughshod over their feelings and opinions.

And you’re not a kind person if you do this. People who have to tell others that they’re a kind person rarely are - you think you can override the hurt you cause to others, because you’re really a kind person and your intentions are good. But they’re not. It’s all about you, and thinking you know better what would make others happy. Stop it. You’re embarrassing people and making them unhappy.

Asking what he would actually enjoy for future celebrations…

Your brother didnt want a fuss and you did it anyway, and then moaned when he wouldnt go? Yabu. Your friend is correct.

The OP has dragged her brother's friends and even his wife into doing something he clearly said he did not want to do in an effort to make him do it, which is, basically, using emotional blackmail. Sounds to me like she is not just being inconsiderate, but manipulative, and intentionally or not, troublemaking as well.

Yes, I agree with this 👆

Why do you feel the need to be so angry, like you personally were hurt by original commenter
Just agree to disagree
Whether her twin wished to partake or not, I mean Birthdays are generally viewed of being special regardless
Just because you disagree with my understanding o commenter does not make you right!
There's some posts I disagree with but I didn't jump on them forcing my opinion
You're entitled to your opinion just's I'm to mine
Live & Let Live

I’m angry because I don’t like your attitude that there is something wrong with being an introvert, @HevenlyMeS - and we all need ‘fixing’ - aka we need to be forced to socialise with the extroverts. Wouldn't you be cross if I said you were wrong to be an extrovert and should be made to be more of an introvert?

As I said in my previous reply to you, I am NOT saying that - all I am saying is please consider changing the attitude that extroverts are right and introverts are wrong and need fixing.

Most assuredly I'm not implying either is right or wrong
I myself am introverted & it's fine with my family & friends
We believe in live & let live & each to their own
My Beloved Mum used to say "'One person's perfume is another's poison"'
I can remember really being adamant about not going to a friend's Birthday party no matter how much she wished me to go
I just was much too shy, so I completely empathise with others whom're introvert
All I was doing was trying to also put myself in original commenter's shoes, because nature already has me in the shoes of other introverts-

For fucks sake !! Sorry just felt the need to use all three forms of highlighting !!

I'm introverted myself, I naturally put myself in other introverts shoes because I am introverted also
At no point whatsoever did I imply her twin needed fixing
That is your assumption&you do not know me to presume anything about me!

The language you used around the OP being lovely implied to me that you thought her brother wasn’t lovely, because he was introverted, @HevenlyMeS - but clearly I read that wrong, and I apologise.

Unfortunately there are a lot of extroverts who do think introverts are wrong, broken and need fixing, and I suspect the OP is one of them.

It's ok, your apology is accepted & I understand how if we've had a lot of judgement or criticism it can take a well meaning comment to be the last straw - So many commenters were already siding with her Twin, I didn't feel she needed an extra Soul telling her how wrong she was, so I put myself in her shoes instead - I really believe it's our heart which is important & not whether we're introvert, extrovert
My guess is that both of these twins are lovely
I'm sorry to hear you've had judgements, I've also had well meaning folks try to bring me out of my shell
Never mind - My friends today accept me as I am & vice versa
Take care

Nah. OP chose to ignore what she was explicitly told (and undoubtedly this wasn’t the first time). I’d have let her be embarrassed by my no show too.

I totally agree. I'm also an identical twin and as adults we've shared just one birthday celebration together (our 40th) because we both wanted to go to the same place on holiday (we never had parties as children because my parents couldn't afford such luxuries). I wouldn't dream of foisting my choices on my DTS and nor would she on me. We have DHs, our own friends and our own lives and see each other as individuals (even if, sometimes, others don't). The idea that twins (particularly identical ones) can't live independently of each other, or that if we can then we can't be emotionally close, is simply bizarre.
What's even more strange about OP's attitude is that she and her brother aren't identical twins (obviously!) so they wouldn't even have grown up with the endless strangers in the street saying "Ooh, look, twins!" as we did (I'm sure you had this too). They'll be no more alike than regular siblings so I doubt anyone made any remarks about them at all, so why OP holds this belief that they must have a joint party simply because they're "twins" baffles me.

There's no need to swear - If you read all the comments you'll see almost everyone is siding with o commenter's twin - So just because I dared to try seeing it from the commenter's possible perspective as well, I don't deserve to be sworn at! I did not condemn nor criticise anyone!

I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

Your family and friends very much disagree with this and this is the fundamental problem. It would have been perfectly fine for you to throw a family party for your 40th and invited everyone you wanted to, in the hope that he would attend too, nothing weird about that at all.

But saying you are doing it, him saying he doesn't want it and won't come, then you going ahead and specifically making it a 'joint' party anyway and inviting his friends!! then you are hurt and upset that he didn't attend.. complaining to your friend and again making it all about you!! the lack of self awareness here is astonishing and your friend was completely right to call you out on it.

My bet is that he may have attended your party for you, but he has made a point of not attending this knowing you have completely taken over.. it sounds like his view of being a twin is very much different to yours, and you should be respecting that, not steamrolling over his opinions.

I didn't use any forms of highlighting and I got deleted "for breaking talk Guidelines" - I wish now that I had 😆

I 💯% did not in any way comment on the poster merely on the batshit post itself. Looks like you can't do that these days 🙄
Time to give up on MN perhaps.

There's every fucking need to swear!

It wasn't your agreement with op that caused such a reaction (you're not the only one!) It was the post itself. (I dare not say anymore).

He told you he didn't want a party. You probably pissed you friend off by going on about it. Your bad. Apologise to your brother and, if you value your friend, eat humble pie there, too.