To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

From what you describe your friend sounds right, you sound entitled and perhaps a bit spoilt.

100% this.

It’s not what they ment is adult twins having joint parties is odd. Reminds me of the brother and sister twins on first dates. They both went on their own dates be cause they do everything together. Really odd they were definitely on the spectrum. She posted in FD few months back still single.

Why on earth couldn't you just have your own birthday?

You don't get to decide for other people, you made yourself look stupid for just not listening and trying to control everyone.

I have known several twins and non as adults that really combine these things (I'm sure they probably have a family meal or something but not huge big parties, they have different friends, coworkers, uni friends, hobbies, tastes and lifestyles).

Most twins I know hate being seen as 'one unit' who is expected to show up as a pair they usually don't even tell new people they are a twin. The 'twins that share everything' mostly seems like a TV trope and honestly one my twin friends seem a touch bitter about.

I know from my experiences if I had twin children I would allow them to separate these things young. (if one wants a big pop UV disco party with the whole class invited and the other wants just 4 specific friends at lazer tag and a mcdonalds after etc... then great. If they where separate siblings they would each get their own party of their choice so why shouldn't they just because of something out of their control).

You sound like my sister OP.

She organised something that I didn't go to.

Having told her that I wouldn't go.

She was so pissed of that I didn't pay "my share"???!!! of the thing that I had no part of!

He said he didn’t want a fuss, didn’t want a party so you threw one anyway? Then got upset he didn’t come? It’s his birthday so he’s entitled to spend it any way he liked! Why should he come to a party that he said he’d didn’t want just because you did…so you ignored his wants and did what you wanted! You seem more bothered about what other guests thought than the fact that you walked all over your brother’s wishes. Have your party but you should have kept him out of it..you’re making your own drama so I don’t think your friend was incorrect..

97% of people think you are being unreasonable so that's really all you need to know.

Let’s try an analogy, @loonyloo. Let’s say you hate really spicy foods - you have tried them in the past when someone made you a really hot curry instead of the korma you wanted, and you were polite but actually didn’t really enjoy it. If I then decided that very spicy curries are the best thing, and that you are wrong in not finding them nice - so when we go out for a meal, I order you a really spicy curry instead of the dish you wanted. This time you decided to stand up for yourself, and said you did not want the curry.

In this scenario, do I have the right to get cross because ‘I was just trying to do a nice thing for you’, or was I being pushy and you had every right to have the mild curry you wanted?

Bottom line, if someone says they do NOT want something, it is not ‘doing a nice thing’ to try to force it on them! Let your brother be an individual who is allowed to celebrate his landmark (or any other) birthday the way he wants!

I think this point is being overlooked.

Brother's Wife accepted the invitation for both of them. There was clearly some communication, It's a fair assumption that OP would have mentioned that she was inviting some of DBs friends.

At any time, they could have let OP and DB's friends know that they weren't coming and she could have changed her arrangements. They didn't.

It wasn't kind to pretend to be coming, to let OP continue with the arrangements and then deliberately not show up It's also two fingers up to his friends who bothered to show up too. Why did he have to involve his friends into his idea of teaching his twin a lesson, so they could witness her disappointment on the night? He sounds like a Brat.

Instead, the brother could have had the grace to say I know we accepted your invitation but I now decided not to come. If it was his birthday too... if he KNEW he wasn't coming to the party.. what else was he planning to do on the day? At 40 he's presumably old enough to have just said "sorry I've already made other plans to celebrate." Its not difficult at all.

Yes the OP should definitely have listened to her brother months ago or had a more recent conversation with him and just had the party for herself - although she says he has form for protesting about social events but actually enjoying them when he does attend. His wife clearly wanted both of them to go to the party.

OP I don't think you were being "selfish".. you were perhaps being over generous and perhaps trying to people please. I don't think you should struggle to please your DB anymore. Maybe in future you should think a bit more about yourself, because you threw a party, inviting people you wouldn't normally have invited etc on someone else's behalf. You should stop thinking what would my brother like? And just think what would I myself like from now on?

As for your friend. Even if she thought you were wrong, she could see you were upset and the way she spoke to you was just plain rude. Why do you spend time with someone who talks to you like that? If she had a point to make, there are nicer ways to convey it. You'd both been having a disagreement in advance of the party conversation. She sounds quite angry. You said she has form being being a bit "unfeeling" and needs to watch her temper, so it sounds like her snapping at you has happened before. She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbf.

What normally happens when you have a disagreement with your brother? How do you expect him to behave towards you going forward?

The bottom line is OP that it doesn't matter if you intend to be kind.

If the outcome is not kind, and you refuse to acknowledge that or change your behaviour going forward, that's the same as if you'd intended to be unkind in the first place.

Selfish is probably not a great word because your intentions were good, but in the nicest possible way, he's 40, so it's not your job to encourage him to do things whether he ends up liking them or not. You overstepped massively. He's not a child, if he misses out that's on him (and he clearly didn't think he was missing out). Just let him be. You should've listened to him, but I also think his wife should have been clearer and let you know once she knew he wasn't attending.

You say you had good intentions but you clearly lack insight.
Your post and all your updates do come across as a person who can only really see things from her perspective. That may not be your fault or in your control though.

Brother's Wife accepted the invitation for both of them. There was clearly some communication, It's a fair assumption that OP would have mentioned that she was inviting some of DBs friends.

But Op's brother said he wouldn't go even before anything was organised.

I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.
I went ahead and organised one.

YABU.

He told you that he didn’t want a fuss, you wanted a fuss so you created a fuss and then are annoyed that he didn’t attend when you knew he didn’t want to. You just thought you’d rail road him into doing something that you wanted regardless of his feelings.

You don’t get to decide for anyone twin or not, what is good for someone else just because you think he “needs” socialising or you “know” he will enjoy it once he gets there. That is absolutely not the point whatsoever. You sound overbearing and frankly entitled. No wonder people fall out with you all the time it must be exhausting for them if this is how you carry on. Well done to your brother for sticking to his guns and not giving in to being pressurised into going. All your reasons are self-serving and you should be embarrassed. Behaving that way is embarrassing. In future, listen to what people are telling you and stop over-riding other people’s feelings in favour of your own. Throw your own party and leave your brother to do as he pleases. You’re 40, behaving like a brooding 14 year old brat. You’re too old to be behaving in such a manner.

I'm in agreement with your friend. It's absolutely fine for you to have a party but what isn't OK, is for you to force your brother to come along to it. Your brother is his own person, I don't know what on earth possessed you to feel you can demand he comes to a party he doesn't want to go to. It sounds completely selfish and entitled.

And I don't know what is "weird" about you having seperate birthdays. I'm a twin myself and me and my brother have had seperate birthday celebrations since we were children. I did my own thing for my 21st and 30th. We have seperate friends and seperate lives. It wouldn't have even occurred to me we had to do something joint together.

Indeed. And there is something very unpleasant about getting someone's spouse involved and conniving with them into pressuring their spouse to do something they don't want to do.

The wife didn’t ‘accept for the both of them’ when the brother had already declined. Op chose to ignore what her brother explicitly told her and tried to rope his wife into strong arming him into attending. Who knows whether she agreed to shut up OP up or tried and failed, but the bottom line is she was told that he wouldn’t be attending.

It is absolutely selfish to ignore what other people want and to try and force them into dancing to your tune. No matter how much hand wringing about ‘trying to be kind’ and ‘doing the right thing’ OP wants to do in order to camouflage her selfish motivations, her intention was to get what she wanted and fuck everyone else.

OP being upset doesn’t mean her friend did anything wrong. Tears aren’t a get out of jail free card when it comes to having to face the consequences of your own actions. OP was upset because she wasn’t getting her way, that’s it.

And also my twin can be unsocialable at times and doesn't celebrate his birthday but that's his issue not mine. I'm not responsible for his social life and certainly at 40 years old I wouldn't be organising his life for him!

Your friend has a point - you knew your twin didn’t want a party and instead of just having one for yourself (which is not at all weird) you steamed ahead with it anyway.

Hard being a twin?? I'm a twin. I've never found anything difficult about it. I never had any different relationship with my twin than with my other sibling nor treated any different. But then I've been fortunate that my parents have always treated us an individuals than one homegenic unit. My birthday has always been my birthday, I've never felt the need nor had to since I've been about 7 to have always shared it with my brother.

And I'm a twin and still can't understand how you behaved how you did. It isn't a "twin" thing, it's selfish, entitled behaviour.

”Brother's Wife accepted the invitation for both of them. There was clearly some communication, It's a fair assumption that OP would have mentioned that she was inviting some of DBs friends.”

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff - I think that, at that point @loonyloo had already overstepped her brother’s boundaries. He had said clearly that he did not want a party, but she went ahead and organised it anyway - that was not kind or thoughtful or nice - it was pushy and self centred (“I want a party with my twin so I don’t care he has said No, he won’t enjoy it - I’m having one anyway, and I’ll manipulate him into attending for meeeeeee”).

I do agree that he and his wife should have communicated that he would not be attending - I am guessing that his wife wasn’t privy to the earlier discussion, so accepted the invitation, not knowing he’d already said he didn’t want a party - but when she did know, she should have told @loonyloo they wouldn’t be there. That said, I’m not sure @loonyloo would have accepted that, and would have pushed ahead with the party, including inviting his friends, and would still have got offended that he didn’t go.

What a fucking bizarre response 😳

Based on this and your other post, you are coming across as selfish. He told you he didn’t want one. He didn’t say he would come. You wanted a party, have your own and don’t insist he comes.
I agree with your friend in the other post too, you made something about you. I have a friend like this… jumps on other people’s grief.

I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party

It's not.

I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one.

There's no reason why you should have to forego a party if your brother doesn't want one.

I can't have one just for myself

Of course you fucking can

everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

"Why isn't Chris here, didn't you want a joint party?"

"I offered but he doesn't want one."

"Oh okay. Ooh this is Beyonce, come on let's dance!"

end of story.

My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper.

That's rather a sinister turn of phrase for you to use.

You were also really rude to throw a party for your brother against his express wishes.

I'm a really kind person

Then act like it towards your brother and your friend.

it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes

It was your brother's special birthday too. Why should your wishes override his when it's just as much his special occasion as it is yours? This all does make you sound really self-centred, entitled, and not too introspective.

I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I think you could do with looking at your own behaviour and not just recently. Your friend might well have just reached breaking point with you.

You know who is a twin though? OPs brother, and your own twin and it would seem neither of them agree with either of you!