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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
Douchey · 26/08/2025 14:13

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Your friend needs to 'watch her temper'... is that a boundary for you? Much like your brothers boundary that you walked all over? Huh, ok.

Katievic82 · 26/08/2025 14:14

Your brother said he didn't want a party so why force him? You knew that and said it was for him too regardless of what you knew he said. You could have just made the party for yourself and explained that your brother didn't want to make a big deal. You put pressure and expectations on him when he clearly said he didn't want a party and wouldn't come. I don't know you but if your friend said you make everything about yourself maybe you need to reflect. I feel I have to agree with your friend regarding the party. You should have respected his wishes.

Alliod40 · 26/08/2025 14:15

Sorry what ??? Your friend has definitely told you some home truths thankfully and let's hope you listen.. if you still have family and friends left by the time you're 50 do not have a party with your brother 💯

MayaPinion · 26/08/2025 14:15

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

“I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday” by doing something I wanted to do even when I knew he didn’t.

“He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff”. No he doesn’t. He likes being unsociable in the same way that you like being sociable. He doesn’t need to be encouraged to attend events. He is happy not doing this.

“Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish”. But you did do the wrong thing - you went against his wishes - and you were selfish, because you picked something you wanted to do even though you absolutely knew that’s not how he wanted to spend his birthday. If he’d said to you, “I’ve organized a bike ride round the Isle of Wight” for our 40th, or a trip to see The Pope, or volunteer at a food bank, or clean a beach, or something that you hated, what would you say? Your brother is an introvert. Treat him how he wants to be treated, not how you want to be treated.

Katievic82 · 26/08/2025 14:23

I would also add that maybe your twin is more introverted than you and doesn't like being centre of attention. He perhaps struggles more in social situations.

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

Happyflower12345 · 26/08/2025 14:54

"I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one." That comes across as selfish, entitled and 'me, me, me'. You absolutely can have a party. What's not ok is completely disregarding what your brother wants for himself just because you want one. You should have just organised a party and accepted some people might think it's odd that your brothers not there.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 14:57

You can have a party just for yourself, you're adults, you don't always have to have parties together. I know a few sets of twins and they give each other a card and a present and that's it.

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 15:02

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

Of course she was selfish, no matter how much ‘I was trying to be nice and kind!’ spin she wants to put on it. It’s one thing to want something, it’s totally another to try and force it on someone who doesn’t want that. On that note, it’s very convenient that ‘the right thing’ for someone else happens to perfectly align with what she wants.

’So precious and special’ is in the eye of the beholder, and her brother isn’t obliged to consider their sibling relationship in that way because she does.

Op has form for this, and her friend was absolutely justified in pointing out this pattern of behavior. If OP doesn’t take note, and unfortunately she didn’t last time a friend confronted her about being self absorbed, she’s going to find herself being increasingly alienated. As she keeps finding out, people don’t have to, and won’t, put up with this bullshit.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 15:04

MayaPinion · 26/08/2025 14:15

“I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday” by doing something I wanted to do even when I knew he didn’t.

“He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff”. No he doesn’t. He likes being unsociable in the same way that you like being sociable. He doesn’t need to be encouraged to attend events. He is happy not doing this.

“Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish”. But you did do the wrong thing - you went against his wishes - and you were selfish, because you picked something you wanted to do even though you absolutely knew that’s not how he wanted to spend his birthday. If he’d said to you, “I’ve organized a bike ride round the Isle of Wight” for our 40th, or a trip to see The Pope, or volunteer at a food bank, or clean a beach, or something that you hated, what would you say? Your brother is an introvert. Treat him how he wants to be treated, not how you want to be treated.

Show quote history

This is why I hate people coming to see me on my actual birthday, because it's never to do something I want to do. So my real celebration is usually on my next day off.

PopcornKitten · 26/08/2025 15:09

YABU, you told your brother what you wanted to do, he told you he didn’t want that and that he wouldn’t come. You proceeded anyway and are now annoyed that he’s done precisely what he told you he would do.
as a twin you are also individuals. You could have done your own thing. Certainly it was silly to invite his friends when he’s told you what he wanted.

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 15:10

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless

I suspect that aged 21, in the face of his parents organising the party, he felt he couldn't refuse.

Aged 39/40, he now has clearer boundaries and is happy to stick to them.

Cheeky19863 · 26/08/2025 15:14

I hate parties and wouldnt be happy or go if someone arranged one for me. Good on him for not feeling forced to go. You are selfish

SmurfnoffIce · 26/08/2025 15:17

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Are you really not seeing a pattern here, OP? People - people to whom you are close, not random strangers on the internet - are telling you that you Just. Don’t. Listen. They TELL you, loud and clear, that they don’t want a party ,or to come to your hobby night, or have a full head to toe makeover based on your hair and fashion tips - whatever it might be this week. But you are determined that you know best. And that they’re the terrible people for making you feel bad rather than just complying and doing what you just know they’ll enjoy…

Learn to listen. Listen and digest, and respect the feelings of the person telling you what they want (or in these cases, what they don’t want). You don’t need to fix your brother’s social life or your friend’s recreational time - they’re not broken.

Tigergirl80 · 26/08/2025 15:17

You wanted a party so organised one. Your brother didn’t want a party so he chose not to go. But as your twin it would mean he wasn’t just going as your sibling. The spotlight would have been on him as well not just you which he didn’t want.

KoiTetra · 26/08/2025 15:26

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

I don't think the issue here is being selfish (although the phrase in your first post about why shouldn't I have a party just because he doesn't want one) does come across as selfish. He could equally say why do I have to have a party just because op wants one....

The issue seems to be more that you want to help people who I suspect see you "help" as interfering and annoying.

You said you think your brother can be quite antisocial (cant remember the exact phrase you used) and so you thought the party would help him.
You said you thought joining this hobby would help your friends mental health and so pushed after she had declined.

This to me comes across as interfering and would really annoy me. If I have said no then it means no not try harder.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 26/08/2025 15:26

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

But he TOLD YOU he didn't want a party, a party would NOT be a "nice" birthday for him. He TOLD YOU he wouldn't come but you steamrolled over him.

OP you sound self absorbed and insufferable.

PopcornKitten · 26/08/2025 15:26

How are things with your brother? Have you spoken since?
for me, I think the best thing would be to make sure things are right between you.
and don’t pull this stunt for your 60th!

Poppyfun1 · 26/08/2025 15:27

Grow up. For goodness sake! Why on earth would I think it’s ok to think and decide for him! Have the party for yourself of course! God I can’t believe this is a thread. As for your friend. She was right!

Isthisthisreallife · 26/08/2025 15:28

Why are you asking for people’s opinions on Mumsnet if you’re then going to just disregard everyone who doesn’t agree with your point of view. What was the point?

northernlight20 · 26/08/2025 15:30

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

No wonder she blew up, you dont seem to respect people’s boundaries. They say no, and you push hoping to change their minds. You may have good intentions but sounds like you’re hardwork.

Cheeky19863 · 26/08/2025 15:33

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

The fact that you cant see anyone else views or perspective and STILL think you are right speaks volumes. You sound controlling and like a spoilt child who always wants their own way. Your best friend has even said that and she has known you all of her life. It must have been hard for her to eventually say that but it seems like this is a common issue. You didnt take your brothers feelings or wishes on board. Not everyone likes parties. Personally i think adults having birthday parties is weird

Cheeky19863 · 26/08/2025 15:36

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

No wonder she blew her lid. This is another example of you sticking your nose in and expecting people to do what you want and think how you think! Why cant you just accept peoples wishes? Stop being so pushy

MaggieBsBoat · 26/08/2025 15:37

Your intentions were categorically NOT GOOD. They were done ignoring, deliberately, the needs and preferences of someone else who happens to share your birthday and you purport to care about and love. Bloody ridiculous behaviour to firstly do this and secondly to act affronted when he puts his own needs first.
Parties are bloody hard if you don’t like them. He dealt with the 21st on the surface. Clearly he didn’t enjoy it that much otherwise he wouldn’t have stood so firmly on not attending this crapshoot again. He’s good at masking. You are good at ignoring the needs of others. I’m irritated on his behalf.

Imisssleep2 · 26/08/2025 15:38

You wanted a party
Your brother didn't
So you organise a party for you, just coz he's your twin doesn't mean it needs to be for both of you, if anyone asks you are honest and just say he didn't want a big party.

You put your brother in a really horrible situation, spend the night feeling uncomfortable doing something he really didn't want to do or look like a no show, even though he told you he wouldn't go.

It doesn't sound like anyone was saying you shouldn't have a party, but you shouldn't force it on your brother either.

From what you've written this blow up seems to be the straw that's broke the camels back in a potentially long line of things that have annoyed your friend, granted she probably could have handled it better or said it nicer but you sound like you think you can do no wrong from the comments I've seen you write, so maybe the friend had just had enough and you caught her on a bad day.