Page 19 | To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 12:39

Someone2025 · 26/08/2025 12:07

You had good intentions and your friend had no right to get angry about this with you as frankly it should be none of her business……

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I think the friend sees things as they really are to be honest. The words ‘always, always having to have things your own fucking way’ are very telling and indicative of a problem with OP’s self awareness.

Makingpeace · 26/08/2025 12:41

Yep, your friend is right.

Makingpeace · 26/08/2025 12:44

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

I don't think people are getting this.

People are. You didn't listen before, or at least you heard your brother say no and ignored it. Same happened at your 21st birthday, and the same is happening here.

user1471471849 · 26/08/2025 12:46

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

I read all your posts OP (not the whole thread). It sounds to me like you think you know what's best for people better than the people themselves. It does sound like you put your friend in the same position as your brother, thinking things would be good for her mental health/that your brother would enjoy the party when he got there despite saying he wouldn't. It's their choice and not up to you to force them out of their comfort zone or decide what's best for them. I'm sure you think you mean well, but this is not respecting their boundaries and autonomy. At least now you can be aware of this issue for the future. Maybe it's a blind spot you have.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 12:46

BunnyLake · 26/08/2025 11:34

If ever you are one of those people that others say, ‘they mean well’, you know they actually think you’re an interfering busybody/know all.

Indeed. And the people who say "they mean well" about people like OP are the genuinely kind people in this world because they have the capacity to resist telling people like OP what they really think of their over-bearing behaviour.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 26/08/2025 12:49

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

Your friend's choice of words was unfortunate - however, I agree with her sentiment in relation to coercing your brother into a party he didn't want. As to whether this part of a broader pattern of behaviour, I couldn't t comment

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 12:53

Nedeyk · 26/08/2025 11:46

I'm keeping out of it but as far as I know it's been cancelled and MIL in the huff because of it.
Piece of nonsense if you ask me. He said no and she should have respected that.
Thank you, he is doing nothing but that's what he wants. No fuss, just another day. I do hope we have cake though, lol, I love birthday cake! xx

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😂"Doing nothing" - absolutely perfect because it's what he wants. 😃 (You can still buy a cake - if he doesn't want any of it you'll just have to eat it all yourself - win/win! 😘🤣)

Bearhunt468 · 26/08/2025 12:53

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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But he said he didn't want a party and wouldn't come to one organised.

So option 3 - she could have had a party with her family and friends solo. She wasn't leaving him out at all. He chose not to be part of it. That is up to him and doesn't have to be weird. If anyone asks you simply say he didn't want a party and I did so we are doing our own things. No Biggie at all.

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 12:57

weirdoboelady · 26/08/2025 11:24

I've read all OP's posts but not all replies.

But bugger me, what a mean lot of replies being mean to the OP! Her twin has form for saying he'll not attend a big party and then going (21st) so it was perfectly reasonable to not take his word on non-attendance as gospel. He sounds a bit of an arse, to be fair - in my opinion he would BU just not to attend his sister's birthday party, and doubly so if it involves him as well.

I do wonder why the long term friend had such damning comments, though - it would give me pause for thought, for sure. Was she just having a really bad day or is there any truth in this?

Anyway, I did wonder if it would be worth writing to attendees to thank them for coming, and to explain that DB (DT?) had said he wasn't coming, but there was a misunderstanding since he had said the same for the big celebration on his 21st.....

How on earth do you arrive at her twin ‘having form’ for saying he won’t attend and then going ? Their 21st was 19 years ago !! Nothing reasonable about it - he said no and he clearly meant it. But that didn’t stop OP from inviting his friends - I guarantee you without telling them he hadn’t agreed to attend - who now think he’s incredibly rude.

I don’t think he’s the arse here - OP is the one with form for pressurising people into doing what she wants if her friends’ words are anything to go by. I don't think the friend was having a bad day - she said ‘always, always having to have things your own fucking way’. That sounds more like she’s had a bellyful of OP’s controlling ways and has got to the point where she had to say something.

And why are you encouraging OP to lie - there was no misunderstanding. He said no. OP should have taken him at his word.

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 13:00

Lighteningstrikes · 26/08/2025 06:38

Of course YANBU 💐
Why on earth is your friend your friend?
She sounds awful as if she’s your enemy.

Are you on the right thread ?

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 13:02

PlacidPenelope · 26/08/2025 12:38

It is interesting that your second post in the 2020 thread and your second post in this thread are almost identical @loonyloo.

You have obviously not learned anything from the 2020 thread, you are so wrapped up in yourself and your own self righteousness that you can't or won't take anything on board that contradicts your view.

I doubt if what I am about to type will filter through but here goes:

How conversation with brother about 40th Birthday Party should have gone:

YOU: Hey brother it's our 40th this year, I'd like a big party would you like it to be a joint one for the two of us?

BROTHER: No, I do not want a party joint or otherwise, but you carry on with yours.

YOU: Okay, no problem I'll crack on organising mine.

End of conversation.

How conversation with friend about hobby should have gone:

FRIEND: Your hobby sounds interesting tell me about it.

YOU: Tell friend about hobby and then say If you are interested I could arrange for you to come along with me.

FRIEND: Thanks for the offer but no thanks.

YOU: No worries, the offer stands if you should change your mind.

End of conversation.

As clearly and simply as you wrote this, OP will absolutely not get it, sadly.

NotInvolved · 26/08/2025 13:03

I'd also hazard a guess that the OP's brother didn't really enjoy the 21st as much as she thinks he did. Maybe it wasn't as bad as he feared but that doesn't necessarily mean he actually wanted to be there. More likely he was making the best of it because he didn't want to rock the boat. I spent a lot of my life doing that kind of thing until I reached middle age and started to think no, I'm an adult with agency. I can just say no. I'm an introvert and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't need "bringing out of myself" and nor will I "love it when I get there". I don't need fixing. Well, apart from learning to stand up for myself. So I stopped trailing along to non essential social events and pretending I was having fun, and I stopped making excuses about childcare or work issues. Instead I just learned to say "Thanks for inviting me but I don't enjoy that kind of thing. I hope you have a great time" and stuck to it. I have heard lots of people say they came to a similar conclusion in middle age so it's fairly likely that the OP's brother is the same, And even if he did love his 21st, so what? That doesn't mean he is obliged to attend a 40th party. It's nearly half his life ago- people are allowed to change their minds about things! It sounds like he made it pretty clear that he didn't want a birthday party and refused to be railroaded into it. And why should he?
There is somebone in my extended family who the OP reminds me of. They always know what's best for others and push and push until one by one people close to then lose their patience and walk away. And whenever that happens it's my relative who is misunderstood, the other person who is at fault. In their eyes the rest of the world is fully of ungrateful people who don't appreciate them. They don't seem to be able to see that this recurring situation for them doesn't happen to most of us and the common factor is them. Right now they are heading for a lonely old age.
OP, people close to you in real life are telling you that your behaviour is not acceptable and the vast majority of respondents here think you're unreasonable yet you're still painting yourself as the victim. For your own benefit as well as others' I'd strongly suggest you rethink things.

MsPavlichenko · 26/08/2025 13:08

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

I understand you did this with the best of intentions. That doesn’t meant it wasn’t also selfish. I think it was in that you decided your wants trumped those of your twin. It doesn’t matter you feel it was a nice thing, and that he would enjoy it as he had 19 years ago. He told you very directly he didn’t want to come, and not to plan it. You might want to consider this, and not simply discount it rather than simply ignore because “ right thing “ . It might be helpful for you going forward.

HisNibs · 26/08/2025 13:14

OP, you really need to start LISTENING to your friends and family and start respecting their boundaries and decisions, otherwise you're going to head to a point in your life where you end up very lonely because people no longer want to interact with you. I think this is especially true as we get older, I'm much more likely to push back when someone badgers me now than I ever was before. You are not the arbiter of all that is good and having good intentions does not mean you are not selfish.

stardrops1 · 26/08/2025 13:15

OP you sound very overbearing and hard work. Good on your twin for setting boundaries, because it sounds like you seriously need some. As you are having the same issue with multiple people, you may want to consider whether your behaviour is the problem here.

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 13:16

AmoozzBoosh · 26/08/2025 10:39

@loonyloo I want to check in and see if you're OK, I think it must be hard to have so many people tell you you've got it wrong. Just remember that none of this makes you a bad person.

So many people are telling her she’s got it wrong, because basically it stands out a mile and when you know the answer it’s hard not to press the buzzer !! And her replies seem to indicate that she doesn’t intend to do anything about it, because she doesn’t think she’s wrong about any of it. No, it doesn’t make her a bad person. She sounds kind hearted but it also sounds as though she doesn’t know when to stop.

It’s a short step from kindness to overbearing, and from her friends’ words OP is already well on the road. She needs to take a step back and realise that we are all individuals and we don’t all like/dislike the same things. So if someone says ‘no l don’t want to do that’ that’s where she should stop. Because if she keeps on nagging until they give in because it’s basically something she wants and can’t see anyone else’s point of view, eventually she’s not going to have many friends left.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2025 13:21

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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You have forgotten the third, most sensible option, @User5432154321 - @loonyloo has the family party she wants, and enjoys herself, and if anyone asks why her brother isn’t there, she says “He didn’t want a big party, so he is celebrating another way”. Being a twin doesn’t mean she is right about what her twin wants or needs, or that she has the right to steamroll him into doing what she wants, regardless of how uncomfortable this makes him. Being a twin doesn’t give you the right to force your choices on your twin.

BlueandPinkSwan · 26/08/2025 13:22

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 25/08/2025 20:40

Your friend is right. You got your joint 21st party and now you're stamping your feet because you didn't get your way for the 40th. Leave your brother alone

This 100% and poll seems to agree.

Nothingoriginalhere · 26/08/2025 13:24

As a twin ( identical,extremely close although live 2hr drive apart) you were wrong!
My twin and I have had many separate birthday parties and if one of us said no - the other would organise for themselves only.
We can be close twins but also separate individuals.
For our 40th all I wanted was a child free weekend with my husband, my twin wanted a party - we both got what we wanted without upsetting the other.I'd hate to be your twin and have my wishes ignored.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 26/08/2025 13:49

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2025 13:21

You have forgotten the third, most sensible option, @User5432154321 - @loonyloo has the family party she wants, and enjoys herself, and if anyone asks why her brother isn’t there, she says “He didn’t want a big party, so he is celebrating another way”. Being a twin doesn’t mean she is right about what her twin wants or needs, or that she has the right to steamroll him into doing what she wants, regardless of how uncomfortable this makes him. Being a twin doesn’t give you the right to force your choices on your twin.

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@User5432154321

Fear Obligation and Guilt is totally unhealthy.

The twin DB said BEFORE arrangements were made that he did not want to celebrate that way. Why are you advocating one person's preference over another? Is he not entitled to celebrate how he wishes to?

He is also married - perhaps his wife had made arrangements for the 40th celebrations? My husband organised my 40th - NOT my sisters, and we are close. I would have thought that is normal.

NO ONE on this thread has said that @loonyloo should not have the party that she wanted. But to impose that on another, separate individual who has his own needs and wants is really controlling and overbearing and manipulative by then saying "all the relatives ....blah blah". It's really manipulative. DB said from the get go he didnt want any part of it.

Why should he be the one to have a birthday that doesn't work for him?

Twins are actually individual people you know. The circumstances of their birth don't negate that.

Are you a twin? If you are, are you a domineering twin?

Your post is weird. Your focus is on "oh the friends and family" not the actual human being (DB) whose birthday it also was. To quote you - your view is "f*cking weird. Siblings shouldn't bulldoze each other like this - it's not healthy. Twins or not.

Maddy70 · 26/08/2025 13:52

He didnt let you down , you let him down but organising a party for him that he told you he didn't want!

Absolutely arrange your own big party for you if that's what you want but you're bang out of order to demand his presence

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2025 14:06

Doyouthinktheyknow · 25/08/2025 20:39

Your friend has called this one right, you were very unreasonable not to listen to your dbro.

Of course you could have had a party for yourself if you wanted, that’s your choice! Your dbro has the right to make his own decision too! Lots of people would hate a birthday party as an adult, DH and I are both in that camp.

Absolutely correct. I hate a fuss, I hate being the centre of attention and I hate large gatherings. Anyone in my family who ignored me saying I did not want a party would be entirely and utterly unreasonable and I wouldn't fucking go.

Robbie82 · 26/08/2025 14:08

Your friend has a point on this. Your brother has every right to celebrate his birthday how he wants and not the way you want.

momtoboys · 26/08/2025 14:08

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

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But he told you he didn't want a party!

Lilsami · 26/08/2025 14:12

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Sorry but you are in the wrong. YOU wanted a party so should have thrown it for yourself not for someone who literally told you get didn't want a fuss. Don't ignore other people's feeling try listening and you won't loose friends and family over it