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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 26/08/2025 08:18

OP you are being very pushy and selfish. Your brother said no, you tried to manipulate him into coming and it didn’t work. He must have been furious when he was told of the invites going out after saying no. I’m amazed he didn’t phone and tell you himself how ignoring his wishes is selfish and rude. You don’t know what’s best for him, he does. I bet you’ve been pushing him around for years and he’s finally not going along with your ideas anymore. You were very unkind to ignore his wishes. Have your own party.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 08:20

CunningPlanMaster · 26/08/2025 07:56

OP my mum is a twin and really struggles with doing things independently.

She recently turned 75 and her and her twin had a day out together on their actual bday but then each held separate parties around the bday month. They each have different tastes. My mum preferred a nice meal with friends and family whilst her twin is very social and held a massive party.

It is possible to be a twin and have your own identity

She sound very similar to you. Always transfers her feelings onto others (ie ‘I would want to do xyz so why wouldn’t everyone else’).

She often buys presents she likes and can’t understand why the recipient might not be as keen because she loved it.

In childhood she pushed me to do swimming because it would be good for me and ‘I would love it. I hated it and resented going.

In adulthood she often talks over me and interrupts with her views and pushes her way rather than really listening to me and what I want.

The worst thing is the lack of awareness of personal space (and I know this is definitely a twin things as I’ve pointed it out to her so many times). She has to be physically in your presence when talking to you-really up close and it makes so many people uncomfortable. When I’ve pointed this out to her she sort of shrugs and says she prefers it with no consideration for how everyone else feels.

I woke say she thinks she’s being kind, she thinks she’s helping and she thinks she doing what’s best for you but it is all rooted in what she wants.

You sound the same.

Very good post apart from "The worst thing is the lack of awareness of personal space (and I know this is definitely a twin things as I’ve pointed it out to her so many times)." Invading someone else's personal space is definitely not "a twin thing' and I don't know why you think it is remotely related to being a twin. My identical twin and I would never invade someone else's personal space and we would hate (and I really mean HATE) anyone doing that to us. The need for personal space - and the desire to protect it - is innate in all human beings, so much so that the overwhelming majority of humans do this (and allow for others to do it) without consciously thinking about it. It's why, when you encounter the rare human being who doesn't have this innate sense, that it's so jarring. Unfortunately, your DM is one of these rare people, but it has nothing to do with her being a twin.

Walkerzoo · 26/08/2025 08:27

Why couldnt you just have a party for you. Surely as a twin you would be glad to have a bit of attention just for you.

I am on your brother's camp. I hate parties, I hate fuss so that is my idea of torture. My family know that so I would be so upset if they organised it

OffTheHookAtLast · 26/08/2025 08:32

It sounds to me like you think you’re being kind, and in a way you are but you are coming across as a bit pushy. It sounds like you want what you think is the best for others, but the issue is that not everyone is like you. It’s ok for people not to want a party or go to a hobby. You sound like you can’t get your head round people wanting a quieter life. If you want to be kind to people, listen to them and treat them with respect.

Trentdarkmore · 26/08/2025 08:33

"Gently encouraging" people is not kindness though. It's arrogance to think you know what's best for other people.
Of course you're not a terrible person, but I would take this as an opportunity to learn to respect other people's wishes and feelings. There is nothing wrong with your brother's being a bit antisocial or your friend's deciding not to attend a hobby with you. You don't get to decide what they do or how they should be.
What you perceive as kindness, others appear to find pushy and invalidating. It's up to you whether you choose to take this as a signal to change your approach.

Upinthetreetops · 26/08/2025 08:34

YANBU to want a birthday party. You 100% ABU to try to force your brother into having one who said in no uncertain terms that he didn't want one and wouldn't go.

It's as much his birthday as it is yours. Why do you think your wishes trump his?

BeltaLodaLife · 26/08/2025 08:41

Is this the same friend as the last thread who told you to stop being self centred? Or is this now the second friend to tell you how self centred you are?

MyDeftDuck · 26/08/2025 08:42

Well, there’s no point in worrying that people might now be thinking you were being selfish when you should really be feeling guilty about going against your brothers decision to NOT have a party! He said he didn’t want one, you ignored that fact and went ahead anyway. You knew from experience that he doesn’t like parties, but carried on planning. Why didn’t you just arrange something for your close friends and let you brother make his own arrangements to celebrate how he wished?

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 08:43

BeltaLodaLife · 26/08/2025 08:41

Is this the same friend as the last thread who told you to stop being self centred? Or is this now the second friend to tell you how self centred you are?

According to OPs response to that post, it’s a different friend which is hugely telling imo…

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 08:43

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Well aren't you a busy bee OP, telling people what kind of party they should have, trying to manipulate them by getting their wife on board, and telling your friend to do an activity she clearly didn't want to do at that time.

I'm on Team Friend here. You sound controlling and manipulative. And I never trust a person who has to tell the world that they are "kind".

BettysRoasties · 26/08/2025 08:46

The only person who embarrassed you, was you.

I want to throw a big joint birthday party brother what do you think?

Yeah I’m not coming to any party I don’t want a party.

Op goes ahead and plans a huge joint party, but with zero input so it’s all her decor and plans anyway and then invites his friends.

To the party he said no to. You embarrassed yourself.

I don’t have a twin, I have a sibling I shared birthday parties with as a young child as well they were being born at my birthday party. We still haven’t had joint or otherwise parties since we were children.

I certainly wouldn’t be inviting their friends to my party under the lie that it was joint. Because that’s what it was. You lied. He said no party. So it was never ever a joint party.

But you cannot accept the word NO if you think you know best, and you didn’t and maybe you might of finally learnt your lesson but by the sounds of it sadly not.

BeltaLodaLife · 26/08/2025 08:46

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 08:43

According to OPs response to that post, it’s a different friend which is hugely telling imo…

Show quote history

That’s what I was thinking. Most people really don’t say this sort of thing to their friend; they just nod and smile and move on when someone is being very selfish. And everyone else in the friend group usually just rolls their eyes at each other when the “me me me” person interrupts a story or tries to take over an event. For two different friends to actually say this to OP, she must be insufferable. Imagine the chat going on behind her back though.

You need to make amends for your behaviour and let your friends know that you’ve self reflected and will make an effort to stop this. @loonyloo.

Teadrinkerswonderings · 26/08/2025 08:48

YANBU to want a party, yabu to make it for both of you

luckylavender · 26/08/2025 08:48

He couldn’t have been clearer

TheEllisGreyMethod · 26/08/2025 09:05

Your friend is right. You wanted a party and your brother didn't. You go ahead and make sure you throw a party for you and him anyway. And he got over ruled and had one for his 21st so it's a pattern. If you want a party throw one for you, don't drag someone who doesn't want one into it.
You are selfish and you can't even see it.

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 09:13

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

But that’s what you like. Maybe your brother preferred a relaxing, quiet day rather than having to have forced conversations ( from his point of view.)

Arlanymor · 26/08/2025 09:15

I couldn’t think of the word I wanted last night after a long day of travel. It’s overbearing - absolutely overbearing.

rainbowstardrops · 26/08/2025 09:17

I’m sorry @loonyloobut I think your friends are fed up with you always taking centre stage and trying to push what you want onto others and they eventually snap.
Your brother made it perfectly clear before you even arranged the party, that he wasn’t interested.
Assuming it took quite a bit of organising, did the penny not drop when you were organising it all and he wasn’t playing any part in it? So you chose the music, food, guest list etc etc? It wasn’t really his party was it?! It was yours!!!!
I think you need to stop and reflect because otherwise, you’re going to start pushing people away.

kleverklogs · 26/08/2025 09:19

I do think that YABU OP. Yes your intentions are good, and you do sound like a kind person, but you seem to struggle to see things from others’ point of view.

My nephew made me a dinosaur birthday card because HE likes dinosaurs. Very kind of him, but immature reasoning. That’s fine, he’s five. But you are 40.

Being kind as an adult includes showing respect to others’ views. Have the humility to consider that perhaps what you think is best / right for them might not be the case. And even if you ARE correct, you have no right to force things on people. As I say, that is basic respect. Listen to them, don’t try to badger people into doing what you want them to do, regardless of your intentions.

Moonnstars · 26/08/2025 09:20

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

Your take is that he enjoyed his 21st in the end but maybe he still cringes about this and didn't enjoy it.
This sounds like you are an extrovert and outgoing whereas he is an introvert and would prefer something quieter. Imagine if you were forced into something you didn't want to do and had already said you didn't want to do. He is an adult so not like a child and trying to encourage them into doing something new.

I don't think selfish is the right word, disrespectful maybe as you didn't respect his wishes that he didn't want a party and now have embarrassed him even more by going ahead with this and inviting his friends.

CunningPlanMaster · 26/08/2025 09:22

@AngelicKatyI disagree, it is a twin thing. This is the reason for it. I don’t mean every twin does it but it is rooted in being a twin.

She is an identical twin and from birth they were never separated, dressed the same, slept in the same bed until teenage years. They are joined at the hip and when together often hold hands and almost sit on each other. Her twin is the same with personal space.

I am not saying every twin has this issue, merely the reason for it is from her relationship with her twin and never being just ‘one’

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 09:26

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:33

Thank you!

Show quote history

It’s not brother who was rude. If you invited brother’s friends overriding his wishes, then it’s on you.

You also seem to have a tendency to not take feedback / self reflect - based on this thread and the one a poster found.

I have a feeling 30 pages later, you would still be defending yourself.

I have a sibling like you, dominating, never wrong. It’s all about their feelings, even when they hurt you, they become victim and need attention all the time. I sympathise with your brother.

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 09:32

Moonnstars · 26/08/2025 09:20

Your take is that he enjoyed his 21st in the end but maybe he still cringes about this and didn't enjoy it.
This sounds like you are an extrovert and outgoing whereas he is an introvert and would prefer something quieter. Imagine if you were forced into something you didn't want to do and had already said you didn't want to do. He is an adult so not like a child and trying to encourage them into doing something new.

I don't think selfish is the right word, disrespectful maybe as you didn't respect his wishes that he didn't want a party and now have embarrassed him even more by going ahead with this and inviting his friends.

Show quote history

Selfish is not the word, self centred is.

It’s not just extrovert, introvert issue. Problem is op is dominating as well and now see herself as a victim and not able reflect for a moment to see other person’s point of view.

Chicaontour · 26/08/2025 09:32

OP to twin, would you like to have a joint party
Twin : NO ( background twin comes across as an introvert who doesn't like parties
OP : Well i want a party so I will go ahead and organise it for both of us

You put your twin in a very awkward position where some people think badly of him even though he said from the start he didn't want a party.

Friend: You were wrong and think only of your own needs.
OP : Offended.

The above is very black and white but the basic facts of the story. You were unreasonable as you absolutely tried to railroad your twin into something he didn't want to do. Comes across as you have a history of this.

Hereforthecommentz · 26/08/2025 09:40

Agree with pp you sound controlling. Your a 40 year old woman you do not need to have parties with your twin like a 5 year old. He said no, you ignored him. You don't care about his feelings and are not as kind as you think you are. Your second friend has pointed this out to you as have many posters on here and you still don't want to listen! You will push your brother away aswell if this is how you act.