To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

This would really piss me off if my twin did this.

I make it 27 times you’ve said I in your post.

I wouldn't say you were selfish for wanting a party, but there is no need to drag your brother in to it when he clearly didn't want to be a part of it. Some people just don't want to be the centre of attention. You could have carried on without him, surely a simple "he didn't want a joint party" when asked about him would suffice to anyone questioning it. I don't think you're being selfish for wanting to celebrate jointly, but you are being stubborn and blinkered for carrying on against his wishes and trying to include him. You got what you deserved. Listen in future.

I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

He told you he wouldn't come before you even planned it, months ago.

As a twin, I don't agree with this.
We are individual, very different people. We are treated as individuals and always have been.
I don't even tell people I'm a twin.

As I said previously, she would love a party, think Margot in The Good Life. She knows that isn't my thing and her friends aren't my friends. In fact, last time I did go to one of her get togethers (under sufferance may I add), one of her friends was downright rude to me ......about being a twin 🤣

So either you had a joint party because:

• you are twins and you thought it would be awkward without him
• OR because you think he needs a social life and this milestone party would be a good occasion for him to socialise.

In the same vein you think it would be good for your friend to take up your hobby even though she said no. More than once.

You are being overbearing. You need let people live their lives. And you can absolutely have a party with friends and family and invite your twin WITHOUT inviting his friends.

Given your brother’s refusal to attend and your friend of many years snapping at you I do wonder whether you have form for this. Where you think you are doing something that is good for someone else and you see yourself as the ‘good’ person but actually it is about you. It is possible your brother has had 40 years of doing things you wanted to and simply refused.

My thoughts, too.

I'm Team Friend and Team Brother. I have no idea if you're ACTUALLY selfish but you're doing a very good job of proving that you ARE, in your OP

Oh
My
God

HE SAID HE WASNT COMING TO THE PARTY

Christ on a bike.....sort your fucking head out 🙄

My best friend is a twin and you and the OP are both completely self-absorbed and your behaviour is not indicative of all twins!! My best friend hasn't had a joint birthday celebration with her twin sister since they were kids because they are both different people with different personalities and friends and don't want to celebrate the same way.

Why should what OP wanted on her birthday trump what her twin wanted to do on his birthday?!? It's completely selfish to want him to make an effort to please OP when she has made no effort to respect his wishes on his own birthday.

From this and your previous post, as well as the disagreement with your friends it does read like you have a tendency to be selfish or make it all about you.

If you really felt like you have to do things together, you could have chosen not to have a party given you forced your brother into it at his 21st. He might have appeared to enjoy himself but we tend to people please more when we're young. By 40 he's probably thinking if you don't give a shit about his plans and opinions then why should he care about yours.

I find it curious that OP has had two separate friends blow up at her over two different issues and she still doesn't see her behaviour as problematic. The exasperation and frustration of her friends seem clear even through OP's account of the incidents. She also sees the overwhelming consensus on MN on both issues but continues to assert that the criticism is too harsh and her good intentions/feelings/efforts over-ride everything else. To be this tone deaf to feedback is not a good sign.

Yeah that’s really unreasonable of you too. I would hate this if I was your friend. You see it as gentle encouraging. She obviously felt she had said no and you didn’t listen to her and continued to try and nag her and put pressure on. Saying you think it would be good for her is patronising. She’s an adult, she gets to make her own decisions.

It does sound like this is what you repeatedly do. Your friend is right, it’s similar to your birthday party. Your brother was clear he didn’t want one. You could have had your own party, he wasn’t stopping you. But say it was for both and inviting his friends was awful. How dare you ignore his preferences. I’d be fuming if I was him. Why do you think you know best?

I am a twin so know a bit about sharing birthdays.

Are you in each other's lives? Do you live close to each other? Do you still share the same friends?

We used to share parties a lot but TBH, I am not sure we would now. We'd be more likely to share a meal together on a milestone birthday and do separate parties. As we have grown older, we have become more single entities as we have our own lives.

I do think it was foolish inviting his friends without him being on board with it all

I think if a lifelong friend says something like ‘always, always having to have things your own fucking way’ to you, it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and realise that people clearly don’t see you as the very kind person you think yourself to be. Possibly why no-one else threw you a 40th birthday party ?

Of course YANBU 💐
Why on earth is your friend your friend?
She sounds awful as if she’s your enemy.

@loonyloo your friend is right your older brother is right and you are in the wrong.
You don’t have to be a bad person to be in the wrong.
The way you can’t see what others see is the selfish part. You want it , you think others would enjoy it . Doesn’t mean they should or will.
It’s very ignorant which I can see would appear selfish.
Why are you pushing others into something you want?
You don’t matter over everyone else . They choose for themselves.

If I was your twin/brother and I had told you no and you didn’t respect that I wouldn’t have turned up either . You should probably apologise for ruining his birthday with the pressure . His wife agreed while in the background thinking she could convince him to go and she failed.

Weird to you but not to him because he didn’t want to be there! Why does being a twin mean he’s not allowed an individual response to a situation?

Op, when other people say no, listen to them.

hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view...

@loonyloo Frustrating isn't it? Now try to understand how your brother feels when you refuse to see things from his point of view! He told you he didn't want a party so you spoke to his wife about it instead and organised one anyway. At no point did your brother say he would be there so I don't know why you were surprised when he didn't show.

Next time he tells you he doesn't want to do something try listening to him.

I think a mistake on your part here op is comparing your brother at 40 to your brother at 21.

21 year olds may be more likely to be pushed into things, especially if by their parents. Now he is 40, he may have independence and more confidents to say no to things.

I think you’re finding it harsh because you are failing to understand PPs’ points - and that of your brother. HE DIDN”T WANT A PARTY; he made this clear and said he would not come. You ignored his wishes because you had your own agenda, your own desire to have a joint party. If you were a spouse your actions might be considered coercive and controlling. If you love someone, you give them what they want and need, not want you think they should have. Or what suits you and what [you thought] would make you appear to be the generous and thoughtful sibling.

Your BFF is right. You cannot see that you are imposing what YOU want on him. It is selfish. It is insensitive. It is also quite narcissistic. This was all about your image, how you wanted to be perceived, about what you wanted.

You owe him an apology. And, gently, I’d suggest some therapy.

This is what stands out to me. OP, you might want to reflect on why you are so sure that your views trump everyone else’s. Sounds like your twin has decided to set a boundary after 40 years and you are baffled by it!

The big difference here is that because it was his birthday as well, he would have inevitably had a lot of attention on him too, which he clearly didn’t want.

It’s really normal and common for someone to not like a fuss and not have parties for milestone birthdays.

This would have been more than him just attending a family party.

Brilliant post

I must admit I've been thinking NPD whilst reading the OPs posts. At the very least narcissist traits.

It explains why the OP simply cannot see how selfish and unreasonable she's being .......diagnosed NPD people have altered brains and cannot see themselves as everyone else does

You are totally unreasonable trying to force your brother into having a party he didn’t want. Why does your want for a party override his want not to have one? It does totally sound like you are the type of person that wants things their own way and very selfish - your friends words hurt as they’re true. And I’m afraid it’s you that are the unfeeling one - not your friend!
Have a party just for yourself by all means. No one would have thought that weird as I’m sure they have noticed you are the pushy look at me twin and your brother is the quieter one. Being a twin doesn’t give you the right to totally dominate another person!
Id really try use this as an opportunity to change as otherwise you’ll no doubt have neither friend or twin in your life if you continue being so selfish and bulldozing over everyone around you