To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

You need to learn to step back!

You need to stop thinking you know what’s good/better for people than they do and listen to them instead. Wait for people to ask for your help and/or advice, don’t just give it unsolicited.

There’s nothing worse than having someone steamroller all over your life because they think they know what’s best for your mental health, and that you “need to be encouraged” to socialise. Some people don’t want to socialise and that’s fine, they’re just different!

I absolutely hate parties and had one forced on me at 18 and I’ve never had one since. You have all the parties you want, but to try and force it on your brother when he was very clear he didn’t want one is outrageous and I’m not surprised he didn’t show. Why do you think that was ok?

I thought you were being unreasonable but after reading @User5432154321 post I've changed my mind and think YANBU. As a non-twin I can see it being a tricky situation for you and think you did the best you could. Shame DB didnt come but at least DSIL could have come and yr friend was being a bit out of order.

So you have taken it upon yourself to decide what is best for everyone else and screw what they actually want?

It seems that all your disagreements come up because you feel you’re right, they’re wrong and you’re going to get them to do what you think they should do.

You just don’t have any respect for anyone else’s feelings, needs or wants. It doesn’t matter what you think; they’ve told you no. Why don’t you just listen to people and respect what they want? Why is it all about you and what you think is best for them?

I think 40 is certainly old enough to have learnt to listen to people, and stop being so selfish. Forcing your brother to have a party he didn’t want, forcing your friend to attend a hobby she didn’t want to.

You really sound unpleasant. You might convince yourself that you’re just well meaning, but you sound unpleasant to those around you. Selfish, and pushy.

I feel you need to think about things before saying them. You may feel the other friend thread has nothing to do with this one but actually it’s saying the same thing, it’s about you.
example 1 : you texted friend to apologise because you got emotional, she didn’t reply, so rather than leave it, you pushed it. If someone doesn’t reply it’s usually because they don’t want to or are concerned about their reaction to you. You got the reaction.
With regard to your birthday party, ‘I thought’ doesn’t work. He said no. It’s not your job to gee him up and force him to socialise because he’d enjoyed it 19 years ago.
Suggestions. Start looking out for other people more. Take some lessons in empathy (good grief I’m autistic and manage better than you)!
Try listening to what other people’s wishes are.
95% have voted against you. That means it’s highly likely you’re in the wrong.

I think on this occasion your friend is right. You totally disregarded your brother's feeling.

I also suspect that although the op thinks he enjoyed the 21st eventually he really just grinned and bore it. Now he’s tired of bearing it.

You were not unreasonable be want a big party. However you're very unreasonable to have:

1. Tried to strong arm your brother into having a party he clearly said he didn't want and wouldn't attend;

1. Claim you were embarrassed he didn't attend. Why were you embarrassed he simply did what he told you he would do (not attend)? The fact that you ignored what HE wanted (not a big party) and instead invited his friends etc in an attempt to force him to bend to your will/cebrate his 40th the way YOU wanted him to is actually quite horrible and manipulative.

If I were your brother I'd be pretty cheesed off with you.

As for having good intentions that seems to be a bit of a stretch.

You've said you wanted a big party but don't believe you could have had it without including your brother who said he didn't want a party.

You then appear to have thought to hell with brothers wishes I'll do what I want.

Your brother did not want a party, and said he would not come. Looks like your friend is right: you think that if you insist long enough, things will turn out the way you want them to. He is a different person, and his wishes should be respected. Have your own party.

Your friend is right.

Your brother told you he didn’t want a joint birthday party. You took it upon yourself to steamroll over that and go ahead and organise a joint birthday party. He enforced healthy boundaries (probably after being subject to this behaviour for many years). That’s the sum total and your friend just didn’t use fluffy language when telling you to stick it after you tried to steamroll her also. Do you see a theme here, because it appears there is one?

You seem to pay no attention to the fact that other people have the right to make their own choices. It doesn’t matter what you consider to be ’the right thing’ - you aren’t entitled to ride roughshod over others. Your brother told you he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t be going. Your embarrassment is an entirely self inflicted injury.

I suspect your friend, and indeed your brother, has had enough of this particular personality trait of yours.

I know what it’s like to be a twin lol and I say you are completely unreasonable here.

I would also go as far as to say you didn’t do it for the right reasons - you did it for utterly selfish reasons. If it was for your brother to have a good time, you’d have involved him in the planning for your joint bday celebrations, not tried to railroad him into what you wanted.

What’s atrocious is that you invited his friends knowing he didn’t want a party and had told you he wouldn’t attend- that’s a breach of trust, and shows you have no respect whatsoever for your twin’s feelings.

The more you post, and coupled with the thread from 2022 where you managed to make someone else’s illness all about you, you sound absolutely insufferable. You need to learn to stop making everything about you and assuming your way is the best way. If people tell you they don’t want to do something, take them at face value. If someone is telling you about a tragedy, don’t respond with how it reminds you of YOUR tragedy. Honestly it’s a wonder you have any friends left if you’re like this so often. The fact your family doesn’t stick up for you suggests they’re also sick of your antics.

You seem to have difficulty accepting a clear no to your initiatives, no matter how well-intentioned. It seems your brother and friend have had enough of this.

He said he didn't want it. He said he wouldn't come. And he didn't. YABU. Of course you could have a party just for you. It doesn't matter that you're a twin. Why should he be forced to do something he doesn't like on his birthday?

Going to a party is not your brother's idea of a 'nice' time. You are being very selfish by not even imagining that other people are not like you and don't like the same things.

It does seem as though you have a habit of thinking you know what is best for other people, and deciding they ought to do things they have already said they don't want to do/are not interested in.

That is selfish. When you strip away the fluff, the 'oh but its good for them, its nice of me to do this'... it is selfish, its you thinking you know their minds better than they do, and seeking that warm fuzzy feeling of 'see, you DID have a nice time in the end' and 'you were right, I did enjoy it in the end'... etc.

You knew he wasn't coming because he had told you - why didn't you just be honest with everyone and say that you were throwing a party, you had invited you twin to be involved and he declined, so it would just be your party.

You've got to stop trying to force people to do what you want them to do. Your brother, your friend, everyone. I bet there are lots of examples of tines you've "gently encouraged" people to do what you have decided they should do.

How about trying something new?
When someone says no to you - respect that.