Page 11 | To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

xanthic · 25/08/2025 23:46

@loonyloo Just because you think something is good/right for someone else doesn't mean that's true. It sounds like you're well-intentioned, just completely oblivious to everyone else's feelings and constantly imposing your own worldview on them.

Lots of people turned up for your party, so you clearly have good traits, or they wouldn't have bothered. It's not all bad here. But you've had two friends snap at you and your own brother just give up trying to reason with you... so the patience well is running dry at 40.

Don't do things for other people because you think they should have those things done. Ask them what they would like, and take them at face value.

Blueskies77 · 25/08/2025 23:51

He didn’t want a party. He told you. It’s completely ok for you to have a party without him, you would just explain that your brother isn’t interested in having a party as it’s not his thing.

ThankULord · 25/08/2025 23:51

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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Of course people get it. You don't.

If they are really family, then they will know his personality. They SHOULD not be surprised that he was not present.

OP could very easily have said 'He didn't want a party'. Normal people will understand that. Family and non-family alike.

For some people, it is not easy to 'just turn up and say hi to a few people '.
And even if it was, they shouldn't have to if they decided for their own birthday that they didn't want to.

AngelicKaty · 25/08/2025 23:55

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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Utter tosh. OP had the option of throwing a birthday party for herself, which is what she should have done, making it very clear with the invitations that it wasn't a joint party so no guests would have any expectation that her brother would be there (because he made it very clear, months earlier, that he didn't want to be!).
And do stop with your patronising "they don't get it" BS as if you and OP are blessed with some higher wisdom - you're not. OP isn't even an identical twin - a zygote - like me, she's a fraternal twin i.e. no more alike than ordinary brothers and sisters. There's absolutely nothing special about her twin relationship and it seems that's what her brother's trying to tell her, but she just won't LISTEN! 🙄

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/08/2025 23:55

ormiwtbte · 25/08/2025 23:45

Thank you for answering my question.
I can see here that you thought you were doing a good thing by encouraging her but she felt forced and that is comparable to the party because you tried to force your brother into a party he didn't want.
So this means that there have been two similar incidents recently where someone else has felt that you were forcing them or pushing them to do something that they didn't want because you thought it would be good for them - you thought the hobby would be good for your friend's mental health and you thought it would be good for your brother to go to the party and be more sociable.

You have talked a lot about people on the thread not seeing it from your point of view because you were trying to be nice to your brother and you were trying to be nice to your friend. But it's gone pear-shaped twice so that means you do need to have a think about how you are coming across.

I feel like you seem to be a bit pushy. I feel overwhelmed by pushy people. I really wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of either of these two incidents.
Your friend declined to go to the hobby but you kept pushing it and your brother declined the party and you went ahead with it anyway.

OP, if someone says no to something you need to accept that that is their answer and that needs to be the end of it. No pushing further beyond that point. It's upsetting for someone on the receiving end of it. They've said no and you keep going and that sort of thing always ends up escalating into someone losing their temper (as you said your friend did).

Please have a think about it OP.

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Was going to reply but @ormiwtbte has put it much better than I could! Your intentions may be good but in reality you are likely coming across as overbearing and pushy, it’s patronising to suggest you know what is good for somebody better than they do! It’s not your place to decide that it would be good for your brother to be more sociable or good for your friend to do a hobby if they have already stated they don’t want to do it; why do you think you know what’s good for somebody better than they know themselves?

Gymnopedie · 25/08/2025 23:56

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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Oh FFS. So this was another instance where you had to know better than the person themselves and wanted them to do what YOU thought was best for them.

Do you ever respect other people's autonomy or do you carry on steamrollering?

At first I thought this friend was maybe a little harsh. Having read your previous thread and now this update I'm on her side. If she was rude* you were and are far more so.

*She was forthright but at the end of her tether.

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:57

AngelicKaty · 25/08/2025 23:39

Right, listen up you. I have an identical twin and I would never have organised a joint birthday party for us (and nor would she for me) if it wasn't something we both wanted.
You sound as self-absorbed as @loonyloo . Have you ever considered that your twin "doesn't really care" about being your twin, with your claustrophobic view of your shared birth joining you at the hip for ever more? In our adult lives, my twin sister and I have spent only our 40th birthday together (on holiday) because we both wanted to do that, but if one of us hadn't wanted to, we wouldn't have - and there wouldn't have been an issue with that for either of us. We have separate lives with separate friends because we are individuals.
Your twin relationship is not representative of all twin relationships and you need to stop arrogantly assuming it is and telling people they couldn't possibly understand because they're not twins when so many of us actually are! 🙄

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No one’s relationship is representative of anyones, including yours. Read my post, it was addressed to people who are NOT twins yet in your own arrogant and self absorbed way you felt the need to respond and tell me I’m claustrophobic when you know nothing about us. We are also identical Dsis, live on opposite sides of the world and get on like a house on fire but that obviously doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

Given it was a party with BOTH their family, brother, dad, aunts…. what should she have done?

Not organised one at all?

Or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Which you know full well as a twin would just be utterly weird, no matter how much you see yourself as being individuals.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 00:00

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:23

Given about 1 in every 100 births is a twin, statistically there’s probably not many more than us in here unless more people were attracted to this thread because they are twins.

Either way, if you are a twin, it will also be perfectly evident to you that almost every single person posting some pretty nasty responses is NOT a twin and has no intention of trying to put themselves in OPs shoes or understand the twin dynamic at all.

You’ll see from my post that I’ve put both YABU and YANBU.

But I don’t think the responses are fair because she’s asking people who will never be able to understand her lived experience, and they’re making absolutely no effort to at all.

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More arrant nonsense. And I'm still an identical twin! 🙄

ThisChirpyFox · 26/08/2025 00:02

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

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Oh bloody hell so now your getting people to think bad of him.

Grow up op and read the room. Virtually everyone is telling you that you are self-centred and selfish. I really feel for your brother.

isitme111 · 26/08/2025 00:03

I haven't read the whole thread but from what I have read you are coming across as the type of irritating person who seems to think they know what is best for others. You really don't. Listen to other people and respect their decisions.

ThankULord · 26/08/2025 00:04

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:57

No one’s relationship is representative of anyones, including yours. Read my post, it was addressed to people who are NOT twins yet in your own arrogant and self absorbed way you felt the need to respond and tell me I’m claustrophobic when you know nothing about us. We are also identical Dsis, live on opposite sides of the world and get on like a house on fire but that obviously doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

Given it was a party with BOTH their family, brother, dad, aunts…. what should she have done?

Not organised one at all?

Or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Which you know full well as a twin would just be utterly weird, no matter how much you see yourself as being individuals.

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Hang on...
Because OP's brother belongs to a family, he can never have his birthday the way he wants? Really?

Totally wild scenario, but If his twin decides on jumping into an active volcano for her birthday and invites 'BOTH their family', he has no choice to say no and has to 'turn up and say hi aka also jump into lava' because he is a twin and 'BOTH their family are there'.

No, this can not be a real poster. I think you are just stirring.

User5432154321 · 26/08/2025 00:04

ThisChirpyFox · 26/08/2025 00:02

Oh bloody hell so now your getting people to think bad of him.

Grow up op and read the room. Virtually everyone is telling you that you are self-centred and selfish. I really feel for your brother.

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This would have happened anyway, whether she’d included him in the party plans or not.

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/08/2025 00:05

But of course you could have had a party just for yourself!

I personally find (my) milestone birthdays very depressing, and it's important to me not to be reminded of them at all, let alone have a party. Happy to celebrate others' if they wish.

Admittedly, I'm not a twin, which could complicate matters! But even as a twin, you aren't living in the same house, and presumably don't do everything else together- so why not just agree that the one who wants the party should have it, and the other should not be forced to attend?

So I'm with your friend, I'm afraid,

FarmGirl78 · 26/08/2025 00:05

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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What about the 3rd option of respecting his decision that he didn't want a party, and just throwing a party for herself and only herself? Oh no, I remember, that's not allowed, because he happens to BE A TWIN. Does being a twin mean ALL of your decisions can get overruled by your twin, or only the ones involving birthday parties? When do you get a definitive say on your own life choices? Is there a particular age? Is twin divorce possible? Mind you, that wouldn't work.....she could disagree and veto his bid for freedom.

AmoozzBoosh · 26/08/2025 00:09

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:57

No one’s relationship is representative of anyones, including yours. Read my post, it was addressed to people who are NOT twins yet in your own arrogant and self absorbed way you felt the need to respond and tell me I’m claustrophobic when you know nothing about us. We are also identical Dsis, live on opposite sides of the world and get on like a house on fire but that obviously doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

Given it was a party with BOTH their family, brother, dad, aunts…. what should she have done?

Not organised one at all?

Or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Which you know full well as a twin would just be utterly weird, no matter how much you see yourself as being individuals.

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or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Ding ding, its the right answer! ⭐️👏🏻

Assuming the family knew the first thing about him, they'd understand. Thankfully, many people these days put people's feelings before keeping up appearances.

youalright · 26/08/2025 00:11

I don't think your intentionally trying to be selfish but you need to learn no means no and respect other people's boundaries. You also need to understand not everyone is the same as you and some people don't enjoy parties and being the centre of attention. Im like your brother and hate this sort of stuff and was always pushed into stuff when I was younger now im hitting 40 one of my favourite things is iv learnt to say no and mean it. There is nothing worse then someone going on and on about something you have said no to.

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 00:13

“Well I did not expect so many replies and I also didn't expect it to be a more or less unanimous YABU. I have a lot to think about.”

@loonyloo A direct quote from your only response to your 2022 thread. And yet you appear to have learnt absolutely nothing. Stop forcing your views and needs on other people or you will continue to ruin close relationships and become very, very lonely…

PinkFlloyd · 26/08/2025 00:20

You think you know best...
People generally avoid confrontation. You force them into it by pushing their boundaries because you think it's in their best interests. Can you not see how youre actions are unteasonable?
The party you threw for your brother clearly had no involvement from him in the planning so apart from inviting some of his friends (that he wasn't aware of) it was going to be the
'loonyloo show.' He said no and you never spoke to him again about what was a huge event, even 5hough you knew he'd struggle with? I find that incredible.
Then all this bull about not being able to throw a party individually is just stupid. Maybe you like being a twin and the attention that can give. You're not even identical or the same sex (I am), no more linked than any sibling. You're 40 and just happen to share a birthday, you're not conjoined. All the family will know he's introverted. If he didn't want a party then he wouldn't have been expecting all of the family to be with him on the party date. In which case who do you think is questioning you having your own celebration? You just bulldozed your way to planning what you wanted because, as I said earlier... you know best.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 00:20

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:57

No one’s relationship is representative of anyones, including yours. Read my post, it was addressed to people who are NOT twins yet in your own arrogant and self absorbed way you felt the need to respond and tell me I’m claustrophobic when you know nothing about us. We are also identical Dsis, live on opposite sides of the world and get on like a house on fire but that obviously doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

Given it was a party with BOTH their family, brother, dad, aunts…. what should she have done?

Not organised one at all?

Or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Which you know full well as a twin would just be utterly weird, no matter how much you see yourself as being individuals.

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I've already posted, she should have organised a party for herself and made it very clear on the invitations that it wasn't a joint celebration. And no, it wouldn't be "utterly weird" at all - and only people like you and OP who have a very claustrophobic view of what twinship is, think that. Whether you like it or not, you're just going to have to accept that all twin relationships are not the same as yours (and not living in each other's pockets doesn't mean we don't get on like a house on fire too). Our extended family has never batted an eyelid that my twin sister and I mostly don't celebrate our birthday together - they see us as individual people with our own lives and friends separate from each other. We each celebrate our birthday with our DHs and sometimes friends, but I'm sure if one of us suggested having a joint celebration for our next milestone birthday, the other would give it due consideration, but it wouldn't be the end of the world for either of us if the other decided they didn't want to (or had something else planned separately). Yours and OP's twin relationships sound unhealthy - like you don't see yourself as valuable without your twin. Now that's weird!

MumWifeOther · 26/08/2025 00:24

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Well, she’s right.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/08/2025 00:26

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?

have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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He didn't want a party. That isn't leaving someone out, that's respecting the fact that someone doesn't want a party.

OP also went ahead and invited some of his friends so it wasn't just a family party.

Oldfatfedup · 26/08/2025 00:27

Yea you are twins but you are separate people, I’m sure you have had issues over the years about sharing a birthday , maybe or maybe not but you can’t decide for you both, I hope ya both had the birthdays you wanted

Jollyhockeystickss · 26/08/2025 00:40

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

No ones listening to me (im more important listen to me) i wanted my brother to come to my party.....he would have enjoyed himself i know whats best for him!!! You sound 18 not 40, your friend is right you dont listen

PlacidPenelope · 26/08/2025 00:43

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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Stop trying to encourage, or in reality force people into doing something because you think it would be good for them.

Instead of talking at people and trying to steam roller them into doing something you want them to do, whatever your reasons, listen to them and accept when they say 'No'.

Your intentions are not as good and genuine as you are telling us and yourself they are, you would not be behaving as you do if they were.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 00:44

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

That wasn't his idea of a nice birthday! (wouldn't be mine either)

You wanted what you wanted and you rode roughshod over his wishes.

He couldn't say No to your mum but he could to you.

And if you weren't being selfish, what would you call it?