Guess she wasn’t a true friend

[Rustymoo]

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

Well she’s not as sensible a person as you thought she was and she seems a bit weird, kicking off about that.

Well depends on how you worded it, and if you often put the kibosh on other people's choices and plans?

You could have PM'd her.

I think you both need to grow up tbh

Why didnt you just causually message her in a private message and suggest to change the restaurant rather than kicking off like a toddler?

I think it was a bit OTT to post in the group chat that you weren't coming. Sounds a bit childish and dramatic. Why not just say "hi, sounds good but looks like that restaurant has a terrible food hygiene rating. Shall we pick somewhere else for lunch?"

This is the first time I’ve not gone to anything. I chose my words very carefully.

This 100%. Your behaviour was rude and most likely embarrassed her. You owe her an apology.

I did suggest somewhere else and said I was happy to book it.

What was the actual rating? Was it 'not the very best' territory or more 'rats running around in the kitchen'?

Even a relatively low rating isn't always dreadful - although you're fully entitled to your own standards and preferences, of course. If somewhere is bad enough to present an actual risk to human health, it won't just be cheerfully given a low number - it will be forced to close and the owners likely prosecuted.

So "-I'll come if I'm in charge of what we do"?

Can you share the exact wording of your message in the group chat? That would help people advise. And it’s such an outing thread that anyone involved in real life will know it’s about the situation anyway so no harm sharing wording I don’t think.

I did message her privately and apologised explaining it was nothing personal but was something I do of it’s somewhere I haven’t been before.

I can see the way you did it sounded a bit like a public criticism of your friend's choice. Why wouldn't you have suggested going somewhere else rather than just deciding you weren't coming at all? Maybe she goes there all the time and is fully aware about the poor rating and what the restaurant has done to improve? It would have been better to message her directly and say that you'd noticed the food hygiene wasn't great and maybe it might be better to go somewhere else.

And I don't know why you would expect to still be in the chat about a meet-up you're not going to?

I think you were really rude and dramatic.

What was the actual wording you used? Screenshot?

Restaurants tend to lose points on paperwork issues rather than poor hygiene, it's a flawed system.

You have probably embarrassed her and made her feel a bit shit. She’s trying to do a nice thing, sorting out a nice day with friends. It’s a pain in the arse organising things, getting deposits and dates that work and getting booked up. She’s doing it so you can all have a lovely day together. Then you come along and tell everyone in the group chat that you weren’t going because the restaurant she chose wasn’t up to your hygiene standards.

You could have mentioned it to her privately, no need to announce it to the group. You didn’t have to say that you weren’t going and why, you could have said that you were looking at reviews and noticed the hygiene rating and maybe you could look for somewhere else if everyone wasn’t dead set to go to that particular restaurant. If the group still wanted to go you could have privately told your mate you would give it a miss.

That's what I would have done.

It was a 1

Yeah, you were out of order and need to have a word with yourself.

It all seems a bit dramatic.
With that said, you should have messaged your friend a casual message privately informing her of the rating and suggesting she may wish to choose another restaurant.

Agree with PP, you should have sent a more discreet PM to the person who had been good enough to organise this. From her perspective you bringing this up in the group probably felt like a very public criticism. Your behaviour was like a bull in a china shop.

That's not what your OP says though. You said "I messaged the group to tell them I wasn't coming and why".

I dont think anyone can judge here if you're not going to tell us what you actually said.

It comes across as a bit snobby and she’s probably been a bit stressed organising it all.

this

you were extremely rude and frankly ridiculous.