Guess she wasn’t a true friend

[Rustymoo]

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

I can't help but feel that in order to have elicited that reaction, you must not have 'chosen your words' as carefully as you think.

This - you just humiliated her in front of the group.

Putting it on the group chat feels a bit like saying 'look, Sarah's picked a shit place for lunch! I'm not coming now'. Her reply seems aggressive but I can see why she was annoyed. Have you ever done this before? Do you check hygiene ratings every time there's a group outing?

That was so incredibly rude of you.

That was so incredibly rude of you.

I would have messaged her privately. It wasn't very nice to post like that in front of everyone.

You undermined her judgement publicly by messaging the group chat first. She probably felt humiliated and embarrassed. She deserves an apology from you.

Why didn’t you PM her about the poor hygiene rating rather than putting it on group chat?

It seems like she feels criticised for you refusing to come in front of others. Even if you offered to book another, there was no need to make it public.

Not really the point of the thread but it's never occurred to me to the check a food hygiene rating.

Need to work on my standards.

I’ve deleted it. Basically I said sorry to be a pain, but as it’s a restaurant I have not been to before I checked the hygiene rating and it’s a 1 and as such I don’t feel comfortable eating there. May I suggest suggest (name of restaurant). I’m happy to book this if necessary.
I did think about PM her but thought perhaps wrongly now, that others would like to know and that I could be honest.

Ah, OK - thanks. That is rather concerning, then.

It must have been either how you said it or how it was interpreted, as I can well understand a 1-rating putting you off. Personally, I'd notice it if they had the green sticker on the door when I was passing, but I would never think to look it up online in advance.

It's always a bit difficult in case like this, as people can feel personally criticised for something that's completely beyond their control - like when somebody buys you a present and it turns out to be faulty, and you feel awkward telling them that you are very thrilled with them for their kindness, but not with the manufacturer for selling rubbish and making it look great.

Yes I do if it’s somewhere I’ve not been before.

This. If you’re the type to constantly make an issue of things, particular posting that you won’t be coming rather than be diplomatic and helpful e.g politely suggest to help find somewhere else, then YABU. You could have handled it much better and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was common with you given her reaction.

I can’t imagine behaving like she has following a message like that. What a nob. You haven’t been unreasonable

Yeah, I suspect you won't be missed in that group OP. You sound like hard work.

This!!

I would have been mortified. It's passive aggressive and she knows it.

Your friend got the hump and instead of considering your comment sensibly and putting it to a group vote, she’s doubled down and thrown her toys out of the pram.

They’ll be other group members who won’t want to go now and will drop out, but they’ll likely make up excuses and be too cowardly to say they agree with you.

I’d be friends with you because I prefer straightforward conversations rather than people saying ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’, and going along with any old nonsense just to keep the peace. They annoy me just as much.

My local takeaway is a 1 and I always order from there !!! 😂😂

Same.

this exact scenario must happen a lot as I remember exact same thread a couple months ago.

How would you feel if you organised what you thought was a lovely meal in a restaurant you've enjoyed many times before, and someone declared in the group they weren't coming as it has a poor hygiene rating?

Would you not feel embarrassed and annoyed?

You wouldn't feel as if they were doing you a favour that's for sure.

OP, I think your intent was good but execution wise it seems like you handled it badly.

I get you would look it up, I would too, I like to know where I am going. I would have also balked at the 1 out of 5 rating. But I would have pm'd my friend and said something along the lines of "Hey, its a great idea to all meet up and catch up but I have just checked their website and its got a hygiene rating of 1 and so I wondered if we could consider going somewhere else? I'd be happy to arrange it if it helps?" Just refusing to flat out go (you could have come to that in a much nicer way if she had declined your request) and basically telling everyone else why without giving her a chance to recover the mistake, is a bit confrontational.

I think you need to apologise and say you realise you worded it badly and hopefully she will apologise in return for kicking off.

Do you always exaggerate and make stuff up to try to win an argument?

You sound like the OP’s friend. 😂

Personally i don't think you were particularly rude with that wording. If I was the organiser I'd be glad of the heads up and reply thanking you for spotting. Unless there's a back story where she thinks you complain too much or call her out for things frequently then I think it's her that's rude for just deleting you and not having a conversation.

Yes, every time! 😎🙄

Guess our lunch date is off then 😂