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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guess she wasn’t a true friend

226 replies

Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 14:32

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 25/08/2025 15:17

If it was a 1, then I think you were correct. I'd put the clip from bridesmaids of them all having food poisoning in the group chat lol.

purplecorkheart · 25/08/2025 15:17

I think a pm would have been better than putting it in the group chat. Blocking you is a bit ott though. I would not want to eat in a 1 star restaurant. I understand sometimes it is to do with paperwork but it is still not somewhere I would go to?

Has she any connection to the restaurant? Friends own it?

reversegear · 25/08/2025 15:17

I think you made her look a bit bad, that would have been a PM to a friend of mine not a group thing.

Original poster
Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:18

ChopsyHatesFungus · 25/08/2025 15:11

Your friend got the hump and instead of considering your comment sensibly and putting it to a group vote, she’s doubled down and thrown her toys out of the pram.

They’ll be other group members who won’t want to go now and will drop out, but they’ll likely make up excuses and be too cowardly to say they agree with you.

I’d be friends with you because I prefer straightforward conversations rather than people saying ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’, and going along with any old nonsense just to keep the peace. They annoy me just as much.

Edited

Thank you. Others have messaged me privately to thank me for making them aware. Like you, I’d rather people were honest and upfront.

OP posts:
IAmComfortablyNumbed · 25/08/2025 15:19

Guess she wasn’t a true friend

I guess she feels the same about you. Awful way to go about it, sending a PA message on the group chat.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 25/08/2025 15:21

Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:00

I’ve deleted it. Basically I said sorry to be a pain, but as it’s a restaurant I have not been to before I checked the hygiene rating and it’s a 1 and as such I don’t feel comfortable eating there. May I suggest suggest (name of restaurant). I’m happy to book this if necessary.
I did think about PM her but thought perhaps wrongly now, that others would like to know and that I could be honest.

Show quote history

You were very rude about her choice.
You should have messaged her privately and not made her look shit in front of others.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 25/08/2025 15:22
bridesmaids GIF

Helen? Am now actually getting vibes of the Bridesmaid film and the restaurant scene! 😆

Charabanc · 25/08/2025 15:23

You've embarrassed her in the group chat.

"Hey friend, you chose a shit restaurant, how about we go to this one I chose instead?"

ChopsyHatesFungus · 25/08/2025 15:23

DiscoBob · 25/08/2025 15:14

How would you feel if you organised what you thought was a lovely meal in a restaurant you've enjoyed many times before, and someone declared in the group they weren't coming as it has a poor hygiene rating?

Would you not feel embarrassed and annoyed?

You wouldn't feel as if they were doing you a favour that's for sure.

In that case, she should have replied saying she’d eaten there many times before and enjoyed it and then asked the others for their opinion, rather than acting like a toddler and not giving the other group members any choice in the matter.

My way or the highway?

I wouldn’t want to stay friends with someone who isn’t considerate towards the other members of the group. When I organise an outing/meal etc. I always check with everyone before booking and if there’s some dissent, we carry on chatting and suggesting options, until we find a decent compromise that everyone is happy with. My ladies group meets every Tuesday and we go out for a group meal about 4 times a year and have tried out lots of venues. No single person gets to decide unilaterally though. It’s a group decision.

Original poster
Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:24

PrettyPickle · 25/08/2025 15:14

OP, I think your intent was good but execution wise it seems like you handled it badly.

I get you would look it up, I would too, I like to know where I am going. I would have also balked at the 1 out of 5 rating. But I would have pm'd my friend and said something along the lines of "Hey, its a great idea to all meet up and catch up but I have just checked their website and its got a hygiene rating of 1 and so I wondered if we could consider going somewhere else? I'd be happy to arrange it if it helps?" Just refusing to flat out go (you could have come to that in a much nicer way if she had declined your request) and basically telling everyone else why without giving her a chance to recover the mistake, is a bit confrontational.

I think you need to apologise and say you realise you worded it badly and hopefully she will apologise in return for kicking off.

I did message her to apologise and explain it was nothing personal and I didn’t mean to offend or upset her as that wasn’t my intention, that I valued her friendship and didn’t want to fall out over it. It fell on deaf ears unfortunately

OP posts:
AntiHop · 25/08/2025 15:24

I also wouldn't eat somewhere rated 1. Yanbu.

Charabanc · 25/08/2025 15:25

Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:24

I did message her to apologise and explain it was nothing personal and I didn’t mean to offend or upset her as that wasn’t my intention, that I valued her friendship and didn’t want to fall out over it. It fell on deaf ears unfortunately

Show quote history

Yes. Because you have already done it. You can't undo humiliating her like that.

Enigma54 · 25/08/2025 15:26

Peculiar23 · 25/08/2025 15:11

My local takeaway is a 1 and I always order from there !!! 😂😂

Same! Best fried chicken ever!! 😆

chatgptsbestmate · 25/08/2025 15:27

You've embarrassed her and "taken over" the event (offering to book a 'better" restaurant)

You were doing a kind, helpful thing (letting them all know that the restaurant is crap) but you chose to tell everyone in the wrong way imo.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 25/08/2025 15:27

Can I come for lunch with you instead please @PullTheBricksDown ? I promise I won't throw a strop if I don't like your restaurant choice and my local takeaway away has been regularly graded 1 for hygiene but their chicken wings are amazing and I've never been poorly from eating there.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 25/08/2025 15:28

Enigma54 · 25/08/2025 15:26

Same! Best fried chicken ever!! 😆

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Wonder if we live in the same place 😅.

chatgptsbestmate · 25/08/2025 15:29

And apologising afterwards obviously hasn't helped because she feels like a total idiot now.

ParmaVioletTea · 25/08/2025 15:29

Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 14:41

I did suggest somewhere else and said I was happy to book it.

Show quote history

So you first of all made her look incompetent, then you took over.

YABU, and rude. From the outside, you’re the one who doesn’t look much like a friend. Your actions seem quite arrogant.

Firealarm1414 · 25/08/2025 15:29

Sorry to be harsh but you sound like an annoying Debbie downer type. It was very rude to put it on the group chat like that, and the fact that you dont see this says it all. I'd imagine you have a history of this type of behaviour and thats why you've finally been removed from the group!

Original poster
Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:30

Trallers · 25/08/2025 15:15

Personally i don't think you were particularly rude with that wording. If I was the organiser I'd be glad of the heads up and reply thanking you for spotting. Unless there's a back story where she thinks you complain too much or call her out for things frequently then I think it's her that's rude for just deleting you and not having a conversation.

No back story, we’ve been friends for about 8 years which is why I thought I could be honest

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 25/08/2025 15:31

PullTheBricksDown · 25/08/2025 14:50

Putting it on the group chat feels a bit like saying 'look, Sarah's picked a shit place for lunch! I'm not coming now'. Her reply seems aggressive but I can see why she was annoyed. Have you ever done this before? Do you check hygiene ratings every time there's a group outing?

I check the food hygiene ratings and I never eat somewhere that has a 1!

I would have just said I wasn’t available and not said why though

CountryQueen · 25/08/2025 15:31

Weird. This has happened on here before

nomas · 25/08/2025 15:32

Rustymoo · 25/08/2025 15:00

I’ve deleted it. Basically I said sorry to be a pain, but as it’s a restaurant I have not been to before I checked the hygiene rating and it’s a 1 and as such I don’t feel comfortable eating there. May I suggest suggest (name of restaurant). I’m happy to book this if necessary.
I did think about PM her but thought perhaps wrongly now, that others would like to know and that I could be honest.

Show quote history

What a way to shit on her parade.

You should have PMed her, and declined if she stuck to the restaurant.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/08/2025 15:34

You handled it badly. You basically publicly embarrassed her. You should have pm’d her. That said, her reaction is over the top.

lovethenights · 25/08/2025 15:34

PullTheBricksDown · 25/08/2025 15:16

Yes, every time! 😎🙄

Guess our lunch date is off then 😂

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No lunch date is back on just with me lol.