Guess she wasn’t a true friend

[Rustymoo]

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

Me too. I’d just be grateful that somebody checked and let me know! It also wouldn’t bother me at all that it was in the group chat. What does it matter if you’re all mates?

Its not what you did, it’s the way you did it.

You should have private messaged her.

I wouldn't even think about checking the hygiene rating of somewhere. I'd just look at the menu and see if it appealed. If I didn't like the look of somewhere though I'd say so to the group and we'd find somewhere we all agree on.

This reminds me of me of that scene in bridesmaids. Did she end up shitting herself in a wedding dress?

How is it humiliating? Because the subtext is: Friend, either your standards regarding filth are so low that you couldn't even be bothered to check the hygiene ratings or you did check them and thought the lowest rating was good enough for you. It isn't good enough for me and I won’t be eating there

(The bit in italics is a quote from OP)
Of course it is humiliating.

Ah... so it really isn't just about the food...you see her a Queen Bee of.clique A and this and your subsequent messages to others is your rallying of troops to set up as Queen Bee of clique B?
It all sounds very exhausting and there's a definite need of the MN classic....'you don't like her very much do you?'

You're a bloody fool then.

I think you did the right thing. I’d appreciate if someone checks the hygiene or lets me know if they had a bad experience at a place our group was planning to go to.

As a PP pointed out there's clearly a lot of subtext going on here and far more to this than meets the eye.

Your fundamental point, about the food hygiene, isn't wrong. The way you handled it is incredibly high handed and patronising.

There's always a person like this in every female friendship group who sees herself as the "organiser" and hates it when other people try to do things without the seal of approval. I have a friend like this and there's always something wrong with other people's restaurant choices etc, she always has to have an alternative or a reason why something else isn't quite right. You sound like here.

I suspect this isn't really about the hygiene, its about wanting to make a passive aggressive point about you being in charge.

I think messaging the whole group about this is beyond tactless. I would also have thought you were being a real arse if you'd done this.

The others messaged me and yes it is all about the food. I’m adult enough to
know and accept that in a group of friends there will be those who are closer than others.

But calling them a 'clique', is that adult with the negative connotations in its usage?

I'm so confused by the number of posts saying OP was being unreasonable. All she did was alert her friends to the fact that the restaurant has a low hygiene rating. Since a lot of people don't routinely look up hygiene ratings it's reasonable to assume people might not be aware, and since most people don't want to get food poisoning it's reasonable to assume they might all want to know about it, surely. I don't understand why the organiser would take it so personally, it's not like she's working in the kitchen and serving the food herself. Why the need to send her a personal message rather than put it on the group chat, surely it's useful information for the rest of the group to know?

Maybe it's a compatibility thing. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is so sensitive that I have to tread on egg shells and think so carefully about who I message, in what order etc, to communicate information. I'd rather be friends with people who I can say "oh by the way this place has a pretty low hygiene rating, just in case you weren't aware" and not have a major argument about it.

I wouldn't trust a restaurant with a 1 rating personally as I have a sensitive stomach, I've had food poisoning several times after eating out and it's horrendous. The food hygiene ratings are there to inform customers so that they can make an informed decision about where they eat. A 1 rating could mean far more serious issues than just not filing paperwork. The vast majority of restaurants and takeaways near me are 4 or 5* rated.

It might be useful for clearing your confusion if you read the comments of those who do find OP unreasonable to understand why the message may have been received as it was.

The receiver obviously feels that the message cannot really be taken at face value, and that there is an inbuilt negative commentary on her. Many people have suggested a variety of ways in which the receiver may well have (a) accurately assessed the situation or (b) inaccurately assessed the situation but in a way that is totally understandable.
A lot of people have noted that OP doesn’t really care that she has offended her friend. In fact she has doubled down with ‘me and the others all think she should grown TF up’.

At the most basic level, if you have a set of requirements for an event, you should be upfront about them. So “where would you like to eat?” should be answered with “Only somewhere with a current 5 star hygiene rating” rather than anything else and then coming along afterwards to say That’s not good enough, and I won’t be eating there.

🤣 I’m afraid I think you’re one of those people too.

People who likes to stay healthy and not catch random bugs from shitty establishments?

If only more people was like that maybe health standards would be better :v

doesn't give you the right or any excuse for behaving like a tantruming toddler.

As said many times above, you contact the friend privately, "have you see the rating, can we please go elsewhere"

What you do not do is saying to the whole group: "I don't like it, I am not going".

Childish, rude and unecessary.

I do agree she could have been more... Let's say diplomatic about the whole situation, to not say worse things lol

But saying she threw a tantrum like a toddler is incorrect

But you did make me think of something, what are the odds that the other girls aren't really that much of actual friends to OP and her friend?

I kinda suspect the issue the friend had wasn't so much with saying it in public, but that maybe nobody is really that much of "friends" as we might be assuming

It's hard to judge what really bothered her friend, but fact that OP mentioned cliques kinda makes me feel they're less actual friends and more to "friends" like when you're a teenager at school and at any point everyone might treat you like a pariah for saying/ doing the wrong thing :v

YABU - your behaviour to your friend was rude, smug, and unkind, and so is your post here. Also, who checks food hygiene ratings? What a buzzkill. I've never done this in my life, I eat out loads, and I seem to have lived to tell the tale.

i think you’re right re the dynamics of the group. There’s 8 of us (well 7 now I’ve been chucked out 😂). Three are very close friends which is fine, like I said in all groups that’s to be expected and often do things together which I’ve no issues with. I suspect they’ve had a say in my removal! The others just can’t believe the pettiness of me being removed. I suspect now the group will now be split up. As you say it’s like a bunch of teenagers. Tbh I’m past caring.

If it's like that there might be 50/50 chance the girls leaving will call you to form a new group, especially if they're the ones grateful for the warning :v

Some people just never really grow up unfortunately, and I'm talking from experience, I can be a real petulant little shit sometimes lol

Either way look at the good side, one way or another less drama in your life, especially from someone who supposedly was friend for 8 years

You think it’s ridiculous to choose not to go to a restaurant with a rating 1?

Jesus if I was one of the otters I’d definitely want to know because I wouldn’t go either. A 1 is very very bad .

5 – hygiene standards are very good
4 – hygiene standards are good
3 – hygiene standards are generally satisfactory
2 – some improvement is necessary
1 – major improvement is necessary
0 – urgent improvement is required

I have read quite a lot of the negative comments, I haven't read them all I'll admit. This thread has taught me that I must upset quite a few people every now and then as I would have posted on the group chat too. I wouldn't see it as a sensitive enough issue to put it in a private message. But we're all different and I guess we tend to find friend groups who are more similar to ourselves. We all find our tribe with communication styles that we understand.

If I was in the group I would want to know the restaurant had a low food hygiene rating so that I could avoid it in the future. If it's not in the group chat then some people might miss it. According to a lot of other posters on this thread that would make me quite annoying too, but I like I said we find our tribe.

She didn't actually say "the choice of venue isn't good enough" though, she said it had a low hygiene rating. I can see now that some people would see that as a criticism or challenge but I wouldn't personally. If I were the organiser I would think "oh wow, thank goodness someone noticed as I'd hate the entire group to have the shits over the bank holiday".

But we all have different communication styles, I find it easier when people are direct. I guess I understand that doesn't work for everyone. But I would have no problem with what the OP did myself, I would actually prefer her to put it in the group chat as I see it as useful information for everyone to know.

We can't be friends with everyone, sometimes people are incompatible. I think I would be incompatible with the organiser of the restaurant outing and more compatible with OP, but we are all different.

You embarrassed her in a group of people..... if she invited you standing in a group would you have googled it and announced it outloud?

Also why say "im not coming" why not msg her privately and say ive been here before and the cleanliness is terrible can we try somewhere else?

I'm sure she would have been more agreeable. For the record I would have removed you aswell.

You've left that group not trusting her restaurant selection. Why did you feel the need to announce it publicly instead of just to her?