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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming DH left our 8yo to supervise the baby while he mowed the lawn??

466 replies

Erisheck · 25/08/2025 13:35

So I popped to the shop earlier, only meant to be ten mins. Left DH at home with DCs.

Come back to find DH out the back mowing the lawn, all very pleased with himself. Meanwhile he had apparently told our 8yo DD to “keep an eye on” the baby while he did it. Baby is 16 months.

I walked in to find baby in the living room COVERED in biro scribbles. Face, arms, even a bit on her sleepsuit. DD said she was “playing schools” and DH thinks it is hilarious.

I do not. I am SO angry. Yes baby is fine but that is not the point. What if she had choked on a pen lid. What if she had fallen. An 8yo is a CHILD not a babysitter.

DH is saying I am overreacting and that it was “only 15 minutes.” I think he has lost his mind.

AIBU to be this furious?

OP posts:

Iamtarticus · 25/08/2025 16:20

An 8 year old (with no SEN) knows better than to draw on a baby.

Zezet · 25/08/2025 16:22

If your house is child-proofed and your baby was in a safe place (in a playpen or so), you are both reasonably to mow to lawn and take a shower.

If your house is not, mowing is totally irresponsible, showering is somewhat irresponsible, and it's idiotic not to have child-proofed the house. The latter is on both of you.

And how on earth does DC8 not know not to mess with the baby?

Perhaps most importantly: why are you doing all kinds of contortions to defend DC8 and all kinds of contortions to have the severest possible cause against your husband?

Soontobesingles · 25/08/2025 16:24

Erisheck · 25/08/2025 14:23

Ok wow lots of strong opinions here.

Just to clarify again I am NOT “fine” with DD drawing on the baby but she honestly thought she was being helpful. She was “teaching” her letters. She is still a child herself, and I don’t think it’s fair to pile blame on her when the adult in charge literally chose to hand over responsibility.

And yes I really do think it’s different to me going for a shower. When I shower I can still hear bumps, crying, shouting. The mower is SO loud and DH had headphones on as well. He couldn’t have heard a thing.

Maybe “furious” was too strong but I am still very cross. It just feels like DH doesn’t take it seriously, and that is what is winding me up most. It’s always a joke with him when it comes to stuff like this.

I just don’t think an 8yo should ever be left in sole charge of a toddler, even for 10 mins. That’s my hill on this one.

There is no way an 8 year old doesn’t realise drawing on a sibling is wrong, unless there is some kind of learning disability. You are babying your child here and letting her get away with being really naughty under the guise of ‘I’m a baby and don’t know better.’ She isn’t a baby she is a reasonably aged child who should have a clear grasp on right and wrong!

MayWelland · 25/08/2025 16:24

For me, it’s the strength of feeling that I’m finding hard to square, @Erisheck.

My immediate reaction on coming home to a scribbled-on baby and a husband who wasn’t watching would probably be WTF and (I don’t like this about myself) I’d prob moan a bit about dereliction of duty etc.

But within a few mins, I would have calmed down, realised that no-one died, that sometimes I do similar things eg the shower, and that my 8-year-old needs a word. I’d have used it as a reflective opportunity - why am I cross? What does this tell me about how we collectively parent? And I’d sit down with my husband after bedtime and have a chilled out convo about where the line is and why. Why can’t my eight year old be trusted and what we can we do about it, and what does that mean for the decisions we make about our attention.

What’s interesting to me is that you are STILL cross even though the feedback that you are getting is that your DH was not negligent and just made a different parenting choice that you don’t agree with.

It’s a lot of energy to expend on being cross.

RigIt · 25/08/2025 16:26

A 16 month old is not a baby for a start. An 8 year old should be perfectly capable of keeping an eye on a toddler for 15 minutes while a parent is in the garden. It’s not like he went to the pub for the evening! He was in the garden! Immediately available if there were any issues. If your 8 year old doesn’t know to shout for/go and get a parent in the case of an emergency (or indeed what to do in the event a parent collapses, or there’s a fire etc etc) you have done something wrong (and you should be talking them through/showing them what to do quick smart).

I also think what happened in that short time was pretty hilarious, although I wouldn’t let the 8 year old know they and would tell them off!

RigIt · 25/08/2025 16:28

bumblebramble · 25/08/2025 15:06

I’m with you op. Not sure if this makes you feel any better, or worse, but when my baby was little mil and sil were pressuring me to employ 9 year old dn as a babysitter so we could go out at weekends. Bear in mind, this was an only child with absolutely no experience of babies.
They made me feel like a basket case for not being ok with this.

That isn’t the same thing at all!

Annielou67 · 25/08/2025 16:29

im with you OP . Why couldn’t he just watch the baby and do the lawn after.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 25/08/2025 16:30

You are being utterly ridiculous.

The person you should be cross with is your 8yo. She should know better than tondraw on her sibling...although based on your posts I suspect you are mollycoddling her.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 25/08/2025 16:31

Annielou67 · 25/08/2025 16:29

im with you OP . Why couldn’t he just watch the baby and do the lawn after.

Because an 8 year old should be able to watch their sibling for 15mins without drawing all over them in biro

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 25/08/2025 16:32

Sorry, just can’t agree on the shower thing. Some people do shower with kids roaming, some don’t. We didn’t. You can’t hear anything with the shower running. What if the baby gets hold of a pen/ toiletries/ climbs the stair gate/ chokes on something. Literally anything can happen and you can’t hear or see it. You just can’t.

Onelifeonly · 25/08/2025 16:34

Maybe it's your 8 year old who is the problem. An average 8 year old is capable of watching a baby for a few minutes. Why would they draw on the baby - it can't be something they've seen others do?

Children can learn from taking responsibilities - your child needs more guidance to understand how this would work.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/08/2025 16:37

YANBU. An 8yo can watch a baby in a different room if there’s an adult available to hear them shout in an emergency. Mowing the lawn in the garden would prevent this. Of course it’s not the same as getting in the shower. I wouldn’t care about the biro, kids do daft stuff without really thinking it through sometimes.

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 25/08/2025 16:40

Sorry, but what type of showers do people have where you could actually hear a baby falling or choking from another room when the shower is on?!!!

SwiftyMum21 · 25/08/2025 16:49

I would be angry at your husband too. You say you were only popping to the shop and would be 10 minutes. Why did he decide it was at that exact moment he needed to start mowing the lawn? Surely he could have waited until you got back. He didn’t watch the baby and left an 8 year old to do his job.

Confusdworriedmum · 25/08/2025 17:00

Erisheck · 25/08/2025 15:09

I don’t think DD’s behaviour was “normal” either, I’ll give you that. She does know not to draw on people, she’s not daft. I think she got carried away in her little “game” and yes, that will be dealt with. I’m not excusing it, but she is still a child and makes silly decisions at times.

What I can’t get past is DH knowing what she’s like and still leaving her with that responsibility. He’s her dad, he knows she’s not a mini adult. Why risk it? Why not just wait until I was back? That’s what I don’t understand. It was literally 10 minutes until I got home with the shopping. Instead he chose that exact moment to start mowing the lawn. Baby was in the living room crawling about, pens left on the coffee table from earlier. Honestly it could have been so much worse.

And to those saying I’m “neurotic” or “furious over nothing” it’s not nothing to me. Maybe it’s my anxiety talking but I don’t think it’s over the top to want my baby properly supervised. A 16 month old can get into all sorts of danger in seconds. What if she had got hold of something small and choked. DH would not have heard a thing because of the mower and the ear defenders he had on.

I do take on board the point that if I’m not happy with either of us leaving DD in charge, then I need to be consistent with things like showers as well. Fair enough. But honestly, I’d rather just agree that neither of us does it again. Then at least I know baby is safe.

Still think mowing the lawn could have waited. That’s the part that feels so needless. It makes me feel like he just didn’t want to actually sit with them and found a reason to busy himself elsewhere. It makes me feel like I can’t trust him to use common sense. And that’s why I’m so cross.

If something bad had happened surely your 8 year old would have run out and yelled for her dad? Same as if something happened when you're in the shower. You can't possibly know from the shower if your baby is choking on something.
My older two were a lot older when I had DS so it's a bit different but even at 8 I would expect them to know better than to draw on their sibling.
Is it just that you find it easier to blame DH than to deal with DDs bad behaviour?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/08/2025 17:00

SwiftyMum21 · 25/08/2025 16:49

So by your logic, she should be just as angry at herself for regularly leaving her kids unattended while she showers and her DH is out, surely?

I'd be angry at the 8yo for behaving the way she did, not the husband.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/08/2025 17:00

The 8yo is deffo the problem here. When I visit my brother and SIL, their 8yo daughter takes my DD off and I get some peace and quiet. She doesn't draw on her. She mostly plays dolls with her tbh but anyway. Not like he went to the shop, take it easy on him

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2025 17:01

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/08/2025 13:36

I think your 8yo should know better than to draw all over their sibling.

I also don't think your DH did anything drastically wrong - he was only in the garden.

I agree, he was on the 'premises', had there been any problem he would have been indoors within a few seconds.

The biro will wash off, your baby will be fine, probably had a great time playing school.

DahliaBlooming · 25/08/2025 17:02

Agree with most everyone else... the initial problem was your 8 year old misbehaving, but that is now eclipsed by your massive over reaction. Are you still feeling angry now?

Magsbd · 25/08/2025 17:07

Being in the garden cutting the grass is NOT like being in the next room. The father was wrong to leave the kids alone.

ChristmasFluff · 25/08/2025 17:10

I'd be annoyed, but not really 'fuming'. By 8 I was in charge of my sister and the 2 kids from next door too! The thing DH needs to consider though (which my parents and next door neighbours never did) is the effect on the 8 year old if anything did happen to the baby.

I also don't think it's a big deal that the 8 year old drew on the baby and (although I'd try not to show it) I'd find it funny! Children do silly things, because they are children - it doesn't mean there's something wrong with her.

SALaw · 25/08/2025 17:13

Come off it - no 8 year old thinks drawing on a baby in pen is helpful. Good luck with the parenting if you are downplaying that. EIGHT! Been in school several years and knows what is and isn’t ok. More than old enough to pop out and say to a dad mowing the lawn (or a mum having a shower in the SILENT shower) that baby is crying etc.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 25/08/2025 17:14

Magsbd · 25/08/2025 17:07

Being in the garden cutting the grass is NOT like being in the next room. The father was wrong to leave the kids alone.

How is it different?

If I was in the garden now, I'd be closer to the living room than I would be if I was upstairs getting something out of the wardrobe.

Coconutter24 · 25/08/2025 17:23

Erisheck · 25/08/2025 14:13

Thanks all for replies. Just to be clear I am not blaming DD at all. She is 8 and did what she thought was “helping.” I’m angry at DH for putting her in that position.

He keeps saying it’s no different to me nipping upstairs for a shower. IT IS. If I shower I can still hear what’s going on and I’m not outside with a noisy mower!!

I feel like he just doesn’t get how serious it could have been. Baby could have put the pen in her mouth. Could have climbed on something. Anything!

I’m honestly still SO CROSS. Am I over the top or is he just being completely irresponsible??

So you can leave them unattended but he can’t? In the shower you can’t hear fully. If all goes quiet, you’d just assume everything is ok when actually baby could be choking. The baby could climb and fall on something whilst you’re in the shower, you’d only know after the accident because they’d presumably cry. So that’s very double standards of you!
At 8 you’re DD should know better, if she hadn’t of drawn on the baby there’d of been no issue. Maybe you’re all at fault because you both leave an 8 year old who is obviously immature to watch a baby

CreepyCoupe · 25/08/2025 17:26

I would not have had a problem with this. He was only outside, and an 8 year old should be more than capable of dealing with this.

However, your description of the 8 year old behaving like a toddler, made me think they are possibly developmentally delayed?, so in that case, your husband was irresponsible to leave them, even for a short time

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