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Original poster

To end marriage due to step children

314 replies

HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:11

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

OP posts:
Tiswa · 25/08/2025 11:47

HP200 · 25/08/2025 11:37

my son and step son are friendly to each other- very different personalities but will chat and things but despite being the same age will not go out together as they do not have similar interests, friends etc but there are no issues between them

Then that is it - he doesn’t hate you he is just more on the rude sullen side

which should be picked up on but not taken personally

JFDIYOLO · 25/08/2025 11:47

Are you absolutely sure there is nothing happening re his stepfather that is causing his shutdown?

Original poster
HP200 · 25/08/2025 11:47

PrincessScarlett · 25/08/2025 11:45

Rightly or wrongly your SS probably blames you for having your own son that spends more time with his dad by default of living with you and now it turns out that his own sister has a better relationship with your son than she does with him. Such a tricky situation.

Unfortunately he can be quite nasty to his sister I have once had to step in after I heard arguing and he was about to hit her with a lamp. My son is more chill but obviously not her sibling that she loves with full time so will of course irritate her more than a child EOW.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/08/2025 11:48

You chose the horses you have, and you have both chosen not to cultivate the interest sd has actually shown. This could have been a great opportunity to try and connect with her better.

limetrees32 · 25/08/2025 11:49

I find the lack of empathy for the SC by the OP surprising .
She doesn't seem interested in their feelings ,nor is she asking for advice on how to ensure that their needs are met or even how to improve her relationship with them .
She does say that she is finding her husband's response to the situation underwhelming ,hence considering ending the marriage .
She doesn't say she loves him and that this will be sad .
Maybe she does feel empathy for the SC and sorrow over ending a relationship but just doesn't express it here .
I do think unless she feels some motivation to improve the relationship with her husband and children she would probably be happier leaving the marriage .

MrsDoubtfire1 · 25/08/2025 11:50

Why on earth would you want to end a marriage because of two step children? It is your marriage too and it is up to you to take some sort of action, either removing yourself when they visit or your husbands takes them out for the day separately. Don't you love him for who he is? Why did you marry him if you thought you would dispose of him when the going got tough?

BadDinner · 25/08/2025 11:51

It's so depressingly familiar.

Parents divorce and remarry and the children are expected to slot in and go with the flow. Inevitably what was once a full time parent becomes a fortnightly or weekend one, but even this is shared with the new spouse. Children cannot voice that they are not 100% happy in the situation and normal teenage angst and growing pains are over-analysed, given short shrift and seemed to be deliberate attempts at relationship sabotage, instead of being perfectly acceptable in what should be their 'home from home'. But SP feels it's chiefly their home.

Usually the newly married father stereotypically delegates responsibility for keeping the children happy to the new wife, expecting her to become mother, and fails to show any real initiative, creativity or separate involvement in his DCs from his first marriage lives. But SDC and new DC with current wife more naturally fit in.

This generation then grows up to be criticised as a snow flake generation.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 25/08/2025 11:52

I think their Dad needs to be making more of an effort to spend quality time with them, and sacrificing some of his hobby time with you at the weekend to spend time with his kids doing what they want to do. He also needs to make it clear to DS that there’s a basic level of courtesy expected in the way he interacts with you, and basically DH not enforcing that is a dealbreaker.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 25/08/2025 11:52

I think their Dad needs to be making more of an effort to spend quality time with them, and sacrificing some of his hobby time with you at the weekend to spend time with his kids doing what they want to do. He also needs to make it clear to DS that there’s a basic level of courtesy expected in the way he interacts with you, and basically DH not enforcing that is a dealbreaker.

Weekmindedfool · 25/08/2025 11:54

limetrees32 · 25/08/2025 11:49

I find the lack of empathy for the SC by the OP surprising .
She doesn't seem interested in their feelings ,nor is she asking for advice on how to ensure that their needs are met or even how to improve her relationship with them .
She does say that she is finding her husband's response to the situation underwhelming ,hence considering ending the marriage .
She doesn't say she loves him and that this will be sad .
Maybe she does feel empathy for the SC and sorrow over ending a relationship but just doesn't express it here .
I do think unless she feels some motivation to improve the relationship with her husband and children she would probably be happier leaving the marriage .

Indeed.

PrincessScarlett · 25/08/2025 11:55

HP200 · 25/08/2025 11:47

Unfortunately he can be quite nasty to his sister I have once had to step in after I heard arguing and he was about to hit her with a lamp. My son is more chill but obviously not her sibling that she loves with full time so will of course irritate her more than a child EOW.

Show quote history

Is that because she favours your son though? Is SS jealous of your son's relationship with his sister?

DeborahKerr · 25/08/2025 11:57

How much time does your DH spends with his children without you?

Of course it's not acceptable to be rude, but the kid is being dragged into another person's house, with her child who obviously (and naturally) is the clear favourite. It's not his home, he obviously does not feel at home. He should not be allowed to be rude, but it's understandable he's not over the moon to have to spend time in your house.

How much time does he spends one to one with his dad, to stop making him feel so unwanted.

Foodylicious · 25/08/2025 12:03

Why do you have all the kids together EOW, then EOW with no kids in the house?
Can't you change this?
Surely the kids will be more relaxed if they dont feel they are fighting for attention.

Tiswa · 25/08/2025 12:03

@HP200 ok let me ask you this because information is drip drip drip at the moment.

How is he at school?
Has his behaviour changed?
how long has the anger been going on?

becuase first and foremost this is not about YOU he doesn’t hate you. Nothing in what you have said indicates that:

it does indicate a 13 year old with issues - most likely step father and father related

BusyMum47 · 25/08/2025 12:04

@HP200

Having read all of your replies/explanations, it sounds as though you're very understanding & are bending over backwards to include your step children in family life & are also encouraging their independent relationships with their dad.

Your step daughter will just have to accept the horse situation - you've explained all of that & done all you can to offer her options, which she's declined.

As for your step son, all things considered, he's just being outright bloody rude & your husband needs to put his foot down! There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for blanking you in your own home when you've done nothing wrong & continue to be perfectly nice & polite to him. He's being a little shit!!

You need to speak to your husband & tell him how you've reached breaking point with it & ask him exactly what he plans to do about it. If your stepson can't be at least civil to you, then they'll have to conduct their relationship on a 1:1 basis, meeting up away from your home. He's not a little kid, you didn't break up his family & you've been perfectly kind to him for 9 bloody years - yes, he might be hormonal & possibly sad about his life, but he can say hello, please & thank you!!

fthisfthatfeverything · 25/08/2025 12:06

Don’t have them in your space x

Praying4Peace · 25/08/2025 12:08

HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:18

No only really the last 3 years - roughly around the time his mum married her new husband

Well, kids have had a lot to deal with at the same time as being teenagers
Carry on loving and caring for them

Libertybellz · 25/08/2025 12:08

Blended families seldom work

DeborahKerr · 25/08/2025 12:09

BusyMum47 · 25/08/2025 12:04

@HP200

Having read all of your replies/explanations, it sounds as though you're very understanding & are bending over backwards to include your step children in family life & are also encouraging their independent relationships with their dad.

Your step daughter will just have to accept the horse situation - you've explained all of that & done all you can to offer her options, which she's declined.

As for your step son, all things considered, he's just being outright bloody rude & your husband needs to put his foot down! There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for blanking you in your own home when you've done nothing wrong & continue to be perfectly nice & polite to him. He's being a little shit!!

You need to speak to your husband & tell him how you've reached breaking point with it & ask him exactly what he plans to do about it. If your stepson can't be at least civil to you, then they'll have to conduct their relationship on a 1:1 basis, meeting up away from your home. He's not a little kid, you didn't break up his family & you've been perfectly kind to him for 9 bloody years - yes, he might be hormonal & possibly sad about his life, but he can say hello, please & thank you!!

that's exactly the problem

When he is with his dad, it should be HIS home - but no, it's the OP's home.
Not terribly welcoming is it?

If it's the same attitude from the new partner in the other house, basically the child has no home. Can you blame him for being resentful? He's not going home to see his dad, he's spending days in the OP;s house who doesn't really want him there.

MidnightPatrol · 25/08/2025 12:10

fthisfthatfeverything · 25/08/2025 12:06

Don’t have them in your space x

Insane piece of advice - ‘don’t allow him to have his own children in his home’.

caringcarer · 25/08/2025 12:11

I'd organise some riding lessons for his DD. I'd tell DH to take DS out for the day on their own. DS sounds bloody rude. He doesn't have to like you but he does need to be civil towards you. His Dad needs to push this point. Does the DS need counselling?

GinsBond · 25/08/2025 12:11

BadDinner · 25/08/2025 11:51

It's so depressingly familiar.

Parents divorce and remarry and the children are expected to slot in and go with the flow. Inevitably what was once a full time parent becomes a fortnightly or weekend one, but even this is shared with the new spouse. Children cannot voice that they are not 100% happy in the situation and normal teenage angst and growing pains are over-analysed, given short shrift and seemed to be deliberate attempts at relationship sabotage, instead of being perfectly acceptable in what should be their 'home from home'. But SP feels it's chiefly their home.

Usually the newly married father stereotypically delegates responsibility for keeping the children happy to the new wife, expecting her to become mother, and fails to show any real initiative, creativity or separate involvement in his DCs from his first marriage lives. But SDC and new DC with current wife more naturally fit in.

This generation then grows up to be criticised as a snow flake generation.

Completely agree with this.

We are allowing another generation of damaged kids to be produced because adult feelings are more important than the actual responsibility a parent has to provide a safe and secure environment for their child. It's a depressing cycle.

There is something off in the OPs posts. Feels like other people (primarily the DSS) are the Scapegoat, rather than looking at how the adults are behaving and the choices they are making.

I can see the kids describing the situation to a therapist in the future and the golden child/Scapegoat dynamic being discussed. It's a stately home post in the making.

LlamaNoDrama · 25/08/2025 12:12

I'm confused as to why two parents would both buy horses their children can't ride tbh. Surely it should be a family hobby with the amount of time it takes up rather than an adult only one.

I don't think there's an issue with dc here they sound normal and they are teenagers. Where is your dh in all this? It doesn't sound like there's a good relationship between him and his children and that's on him not his kids.

RosaMundi27 · 25/08/2025 12:12

Let it go, stop trying with the step-children. You husband needs to step up massively and look after his children without involving you. Stop inviting daughter to a hobby she can't really do - you're allowed to enjoy things just as a couple. Stop talking to the kid who doesn't want your input. You're basically supporting his bad/passive parenting and it's making you unhappy.

Whatifitallgoesright · 25/08/2025 12:12

Branleuse · 25/08/2025 11:48

You chose the horses you have, and you have both chosen not to cultivate the interest sd has actually shown. This could have been a great opportunity to try and connect with her better.

Are we reading the same thread? SD had lessons and thought weekly was too much and interfered with her social life. If she isn't interested in weekly lessons there's no sense in buying/borrowing her own mount. Are you saying they shouldn't have bought the horses they have but one that is more appropriate to a novice?