Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

Well of course. Couldn't possibly be that the woman is the wrong'un.

@Mumofadultkid no matter how tough your upbringing was, or how toxic your mother is, that DOES NOT give you the right to go from FT to PT work, claim you have no money, default on your rent payments from day 1, refuse to pay utilities, tell your landlord they’re a narcissist, and tell your landlord to fuck off. Even if your girlfriend encourages you to do it. He is a fully grown man who is responsible for his own actions, who now finds himself in the Find Out phase of FAFO.

@SpidersAreShitheads he’s back! He must have waited to for us to go to bed before he came back!

Evict them then rent or sell the cottage. Don't give anymore money

WHAT?

Oh I empathize OP. As someone who has retired fairly recently I would say that to some extent it is all about the money. You have worked hard all your life and now have to work out how you are going to support yourself. That is not a trivial matter. You have tried to help your daughter which was very generous and it is so sad that she has taken advantage and thrown it back in your face.

I hope that the lawyer can find a way to evict both boyfriend and daughter. Getting rid of only the boyfriend will not work. She will find a way to get him back. Then you need to sell or get new tenants. I suspect selling is the best solution because then there is no turning back.

Good luck and stay strong.

I'm sorry for you, but it's unsurprising that he would come back when DD is still there and it appears she would clearly want him there.
Also unsurprising given that they've both been lying about many things for months (e.g. that they'd pay the loan etc etc)

You'll need to evict both of them, and probably sell the house unit or rent it to someone else so there's no way they can return.

It must be a really difficult situation, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

This is entirely predictable. You can’t be surprised surely? You need your DD out too, that’s the only way forward. You have appeased and appeased. It doesn’t work. You will end up destitute and ill. You need to toughen up, get them both out and probably go no contact, for sometime at least.

You can’t expect any change in their behaviour, especially as they clearly don’t believe you’ll follow through on what you say. Stop feeling sorry for them, think of what this is doing to you. Stop engaging with them. They are abusers.

Why did the solicitor suggest keeping DD there and not him rather than going forward with evicting them both? Otherwise it was inevitable he'd be back- and he could say - oh but I was just visiting DD.

I'd get them both round and say that you will sell the house if they don't immediately start making larger payments, she needs to get a job, and he needs to respect the eviction. Once they've paid the home back they can do as they like - elsewhere.

The gentle parenting approach has resulted in this situation which sounds absolutely intolerable.
i haven t read the full thread, but I’d get legal advice to get them both out asap, then get in new tenants.
They are treating you with absolute contempt

After all they've done how can you be so naive as to think he wouldn't be back?

Evict both. It's the only way.

Oh wow, so his tears were crocodile then !

im sorry but I would just evict them both it’s time for tough love. She hasn’t respected your wish for him to leave so she has to go too.

my heart goes out to you it really does, we love our children do everything we can to help them then they kick you. You need to show her that enough is enough,

So what happens now? Bailiff's and the police?

I am sorry but in these circumstances I would formally evict both of them from your property, as despite whatever conversations and intentions you may have had in terms of signing over, you haven’t and they haven’t kept up with payments.

If you serve an eviction notice, formally and in written form, it means they can go to the LA and request social housing using the letter as evidence - although they may have to go on a waiting list. Either way it’s not your problem. Sometimes tough parenting is needed - they are adults, they are financially challenged through their own decisions, and they can both resolve this by finding work/increasing hours and renting elsewhere.

Under no circumstances would I accept abuse from the BF and the fact that your DD stands by him means the relationship between you has already brown down. You are best to evict both of them, but tell your daughter that if she ever wants to come home (alone) that avenue is open to her (obvs with rules but you don’t need to explore those unless she comes back with her tail between her legs).

Sometimes no relationship is better than a bad relationship when it comes to our kids. But you can make clear that your door is always open if she wants to come back or wants to have a relationship with you.

You can't trust anything these two say, individually or together

Evict them

Stop paying for their water, electricity etc. Cut it off and have a meter installed, or just cut it off if you can do that legally.

Boo hoo about his past. He is an adult now and he is choosing to behave like this

You said the police had been put on notice and would be called if he didn’t leave. So you need to call them. Have you called them?

So much for his respectful acceptance to leave! They're as bad as each other.

Sadly i think i can see where this saga is headed. Get ready for thread number 48 coming to a forum near you soon…

Police - just have to get the lawyer to give them all the details - part of the letter said they need to make up the missing by Friday and if they don’t we can disconnect services (water and electricity and evict them both) - so lawyer was onto it - he could see what was coming based on what we had told them.

I’m buying an extra security camera too - I think then we can get the locks changed too.

Have handed it over to lawyer and he was going to provide them with all the information - nice he gives me the thumbs up I’m calling them - I can’t believe I felt sorry for him

I’m so sorry OP. I knew from the beginning of the thread that he would just come back once evicted 🤷‍♀️ He/they are playing you and your dh for fools. You sound so genuinely lovely and don’t deserve this at all. I hope they go and you get everything back financially, but sadly I can’t see that happening. Wishing you every strength and good luck 💐

Those tears and that sob story will have been told time and again OP. You won’t have been the first or last to fall for it.

To be fair given the behaviour you’ve been subjected to I think it was unlikely this was going to end that easily. Honestly the best solution is neither of them should stay because she will just keep letting him back in.

@Mumofadultkid he hasnt been evicted yet. please do not change the locks until they are evicted or eviction becomes illegal. courts take a very dim view of this. you need to get bailiffs in england or sheriff officers in scotland. go by what they say. do not try to evict them yourself.

Can i just mention that you keep referring to it being sold. I assume its some kind of mobile home.

Who is selling it? If you are leaving that to your DD and her BF then i think you are looking at a whole heap of trouble. I can definitely see them selling it, pocketing the money and disappearing off into the sunset with a deposit for the next mug to put up with them.

If you must sell it, do it yourself, at least that way you get every penny to pay off towards the loan.