Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

Legally evict both, but let her come and live back with you.

You need to get rid of the toxic piece of shit boyfriend though.

If you only evict him, you can be guaranteed that she will sneak him back in, either blatently or behind your back, if he is coercive and controlling he will make it happen. You need to get her away from him, him being so charming and likable to you in the beginning and now he is utterly awful is just a taste of what he will have done to her.

Have you got CCTV up? Any damage to properties and cars will be a police matter and will further help your case as long as you have proof.

I think I'm out on this thread. I really do get that she's your daughter, but you keep enabling the most appalling behaviour by her and kowtowing to her demands. How far does she have to go before you face reality? If she/they sell this hut or mobile home then nothing they have shown thus far indicates you will get the money from them to repay any of your loan. Please wake up and smell the coffee and take control of the situation.

Also, I note the questions about involvement in drug taking have not been responded to. You cannot help an addict who is not at the point of wanting to help themselves if this is behind the behaviour.

What? Its the Op's building!

No way! She’s made her bed - now she can lie in it but off OP’s property! The daughter and her boyfriend have acted abominably and need to learn, the hard way, that actions have consequences.

Hopefully the lawyer will be on the ball and follow through with getting the pair removed from the property, backed up with some support from the police to prevent the pair harassing the OP.

Oh yes I second this...

It's moving correctly

Sadly OP, you have been played.
I know of some stories where parents were used, played and manipulated by adult children.

The parents spent years trying to play nice, get through to them, to no avail.
They wasted often up to a decade doing this, alienating their other children by indulging in the drama.

Eventually they cracked and did what needed to be done, but they wasted years and had fractured relationships with their other children, who were appalled with such needless drama and indulgence.

Get them out. She is toxic poison to you.
You tried, you did your best.

Save yourself.
Save your relationship with your other children.

Drop the rope completely.

I would consider selling up complete and making a fresh start elsewhere.

Never give her power over you again.

Until you accept that your daughter is part and parcel of the behaviour this is going to continue. You need to evict her as well

You really need to evict her too, and give them a deadline to sort out the house. It won’t end otherwise.

I would also just sell it all up and move to pastures new. And seek legal advice about your estate, make it iron clad so she can’t ever contest. Records of all this toxicity.

Reminds me of someone caught cheating, tears, begging, promises of changing and never doing it again......

Until the next time.

Tell them you don't want him on your property, and if DD contests, then she can go too.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

Another letter from lawyer issued..... next stage is evicting them.

They have however said they have a plan - I dont care what it is now as slong as the debt is cleared and the house is moved.

That's good.

As I understand it you lent them money to buy the mobile home/unit and let them put it on your land. Did they purchase the property or you? It sounds as though you should be selling the property not them?

I’d remove them both and advise you need to sell the granny flat as you cannot maintain the repayments. I’m sorry OP

You must follow through with evicting them BOTH. If utilities aren’t paid by Friday they are switched off . If they want to buy the home off you they do so via the solicitor with a clause it’s not to be lived in on your land and is to be moved within 14 days of sale at there expenses.
Do not get drawn into any of there plans she’s just manipulating you .
They need to go , no sob stories, tears , tantrums they are being evicted.

How many times have you posted about this now
Are you not taking any of the advice given to you
They both need to go
Your getting walked over

The plan is to lie and manipulate you, same as all the times prior.

I don't see how you can only evict bf. Your lawyer has advised you poorly. Your dd has a right to have people stay in her home. And that's what she'll say, he's no longer living there, just visiting. Both need to go so you can change the locks.

@all

Update: they received the letter from the solicitor, and they have packed up and left. Cat and all.
They disconnected the power.
They say they have a plan to buy it off us, which is my preference, as I just don't want it on there.

I'm sad, I have cried, but I am also relieved and keep telling myself if we don't stand up to them now, it will never ever get any better, in fact, it will just get worse.

It's awful, it's come to this, but there is a long pattern of this behaviour, so we need to step up and be the FAFO parent.

Great news! I hope they stay out. Can you secure the unit in some way?

It’s not ‘her’ home though, so she has no rights.

It is, she's living there. As I said, it's both or none legally.

OP I hope you've changed the lock.

Why do you keep saying ‘legally’? There is no tenancy agreement and they’re not paying rent, neither have legal rights.

And the boyfriend was evicted.

Now they have both been evicted so it’s moot.

Brilliant update OP, totally understandable how painful it is but hold strong and hopefully DD will learn a valuable lesson.

Sometimes we have to love people from afar.

And keep posting for all the support you need OP, what you're going through is gut wrenching, no matter how ill behaved DD is.

Understandable that your emotions are all over the place.