Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes children live double lives and lie a lot, keeping a facade. Sometimes they are vulnerable in ways they do not show us and that blows off in uni. Sometimes an abusive man brainwashes them

I hope that today has been ok
And they haven't kicked off too badly...

I suspect your daughter is controlled by him (even if she's an asshole herself) and there may be abuse or coercive control at the least. I've had a very similar situation in my family. Unfortunately she married him and it took 15 years for her to realise but the start was very much like this - them against the world. Unfortunately she had to see this for herself. Be prepared for it to drag on but don't give up. Honestly one day she will realise.

This sounds awful. I hope he goes quietly. I think you are right in that for now at least you’ve lost your daughter anyway. Hopefully the fallout is not to stressful.

@GingerBeverage we do, looking back we tried to give her everything we didn’t have - we didn’t want her to feel how we did growing up, now I can see we did this all wrong and now if we say no she takes this as a personal attack, we don’t love her and so forth. It’s our mistake and I wish we could turn back time. Saying that she had worked since 16 and got that job herself, but then things started deteriorating from that age too

@TwelvePercent that’s where im
heading - FAFO is the way forward

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

When you say 'sell it', do you mean someone would buy it and remove the structure from your property?
Is October realistic for that? It's only 3 weeks. I assume you'd be the one doing the selling?

Remember that if they do vacate, you unfortunately have a legal responsibility to keep any property they leave behind safe. You can't just skip it.

Do you have a plan in place for if he/they refuse to leave your land? Or if she agrees to you selling it, then refuses to move out once a sale has gone through? It does sound like they've become quite invested in their conflict with you, and would relish making this as difficult as possible.

It's a good plan. I guess the small saving grace is that your daughter is still young, albeit with a lot of growing up to do. She may come around eventually.

Get them both out. Offer her a place back home with you (with RULES & boundaries & NO HIM) if you worry about her - you owe him nothing - stay strong and good luck

So has he gone? what happened when he got the solicitor letter yesterday?

Noticing the pattern you’re trapped in will help a lot. Talking about how you and DH feel you lacked something as children says to me you both need professional therapy to unpick these behaviours. Some scripts and tools to help change your reactions to her would also empower you.

@TwelvePercent He's gone. When he got the letter, he was knocking on the door, wanting to talk, and said he was sorry - numerous phone calls. He was angry and alludeed to the fact that DD has been in his ear.

We then met with him to have a chat, which was hard; he was very sorry, but we said Why wait this long to apologise, Then he cried, and then he told us about his mum not loving him. I actually felt really bad for him and haven't slept well. I know he has had a really challenging upbringing, too.

I also asked him what he sees with in own eyes (this was in response to one of the messages where they accused us of being toxic.) I said What exactly is it that you say you saw us doing? He couldn't answer, and then he said it was my daughter's words and that he didn't want to say anything to "make it worse" I tried to push, but he wouldn't go there. Then he said, "When you kicked *** out", I told him we have never kicked her out. I know she has been telling lies, and I do think he is seeing it. I feel so bad for him, but then he does need to take responsibility for his actions.

Anyway, he has left. He was right on time and was quite respectful. They're worried about losing the house, and we said you need to come up with a plan and let us know.

Good! Stand firm and stick to your guns, don't cave in.
But also good that you are communicating.

I am sorry to say this but it sounds like the person who needed to be evicted was your DD, not him.

For some reason, and I wouldnt like to say what it is, you have a very manipulative selfish user on your hands there. What you choose to do about that is up to you, but I would strongly suggest a therapist could help you and your husband decide.

Given your last update, I feel a tiny bit sorry for him OP. You say yourself he's had a really difficult life so he sounds quite vulnerable. It also sounds as though he's been manipulated heavily by your DD and has formed his opinions based on her lies.

Of course you were right to still evict him and fair play to you for standing your ground when it would have been much easier to give in to make things all nice.

I agree with PP - it's your DD who needs to feel the consequences because it sounds as if she's the driver in all of this.

Do you have any idea what their plans might be?

Get a restraining order on him. Use that email as evidence of abuse.

You need to get him far away from you.

You aren’t disagreeing with gentle parenting though. What you have described is being permissive. It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually parented her you’ve just let her do whatever she wants and now you are dealing with the consequences.

It isn’t about hitting a nerve, it’s people like you that call shit parenting gentle parenting that makes others think it’s ridiculous. A quick google search would literally give you the definition.

It will be hard but you are doing the right thing for you both and your daughter. Now stay strong and don’t weaken! Repair your relationship with your son too. You can do this, your daughter needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life and you need to encourage this.

This is why I don't and never will allow my DCs's partners in my home. Not even for an overnight stay. They will end up living with me. My DC can stay as long as they like. Their partners, never.

Also, why are so many parents so terrified their kids will go NC that they let them get away with murder? Let them, as Mel Robbins says. In this economy, they will come charging back.
It's not my intention to sound smug. My DC are by no means perfect. But at least I only have to deal with them, not their partners.

Get rid of both of them and let them stand on their own two feet.
Tough parenting is the only way forward for these two.
I had to do this to adult DS a few years ago and he has certainly learnt a life lesson from it. One he desperately needed to learn. Spoiling your kids and giving them everything stops them from developing normally and learning how to be a responsible adult.

Now you need to get her out. Get her paying bills or evict her. She needs to learn how to adult or f-off.

Crocodile tears OP. Thats how he gets his own way, by manipulating people into feeling sorry for him when he shit hits the fan. Do NOT back down. Now you need to get your daughter out.
I’m afraid that relationship is likely broken.

Let this be a lesson to the gentle/useless parenting brigade.

The boyfriend absolutely needed to be evicted, he has been horrible to OP. One down, one to go.

Could he be the cause of her deterioration in behaviour? It’s a very common tactic for abusers to drive a wedge between their victim and their family.

I absolutely agree you cannot allow your guard down where your daughter is concerned. She is clearly the cause of all his nastiness toward you. She has played him off against you. Hopefully he will wake up and see her for the manipulative and dangerous piece of work she really is. But you also need to see it and not end up letting her stay there herself. She needs to leave your property.