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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/08/2025 12:33

'You can stay if you want'

doesn't that say it all ?

did you plan on staying at his, or was going to his afterwards totally unexpected.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 25/08/2025 12:34

I suppose I had high standards for myself @Theoturkeyflieswest

Meaning OP or other people don’t? I’m thinking you didn’t mean that to sound as horrible as it did.

dollyblue01 · 25/08/2025 12:41

So no contact at after you left yesterday or at all ? I’d see what happens today then ask if there’s an issue ?

not nice behaviour I have to say when you expect more from someone.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 25/08/2025 12:42

I wouldn’t contact him either. I think some blokes get off on the chase. I don’t think they just want casual sex but they want to have sex with women who want relationship based sex and lovebomb them into thinking that’s where it’s going. Then ghost.

Was the sex really ok? As the not making eye contact makes me wonder if a bit embarrassed. Regardless I wouldn’t contact again.

Bunnycute23 · 25/08/2025 12:43

It sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn't.

Doesn't make either of you bad people.

You just want different things.

AgathaCristina · 25/08/2025 12:44

Bunnycute23 · 25/08/2025 12:43

It sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn't.

Doesn't make either of you bad people.

You just want different things.

Edit as I didn't read properly

NPET · 25/08/2025 12:45

Ah the THIRD date! 🙄
One thing I'm intrigued about tho is how did YOU feel about the s£×?
Sorry if that sounds forward of me, but people on here usually are!

bananafake · 25/08/2025 12:47

JHound · 25/08/2025 12:29

@KookySnail

I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

While this maybe true I am not sure this is a good thing given how much of a shit show modern dating is and how often I hear women
complaining about experiences such as yours and constantly feeling “used”.

I don’t view it as making him wait.
It’s about making me wait so I can see if we are on the same page and I feel that can only be determined by looking at the consistency of his words and actions over an extended* period of time.

(How long is up to the individual but I don’t think 3 dates in 3 weeks is sufficient time.)

I'm in my 60s and I disagree wiith you. Waiting for sex doesn't filter out nobs. They could be sleeping with other women to scratch that itch and be prepared to wait. This way OP has not really invested emotionally and wasted several months on this guy.

The important thing is not ignoring red flags when they start waving them. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he contacted the OP when he's at a loose end. She should then block/ignore.

nomas · 25/08/2025 12:49

Sounds like he was after a shag and another notch on the bedpost. Sorry, OP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2025 12:52

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 01:39

Did he specifically say he was looking forward to the 3rd date, using the number? There is a "thing" where women will wait until the third date to rule out men just wanting sex, but men know this so just keep the mask on a bit longer, expect sex on the third date and then fuck off.

Either way, the way he behaved after sex was at best thoughtless and unkind, and at worst to make you feel used and a bit humiliated. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like that? I'd message him - don't wait around on his time - and tell him you're not interested in taking things further. Take control, and leave him to wonder.

Good for you getting out there. You had a good time and you've lost nothing. Dick is not in short supply, so don't settle for another dick at the end of one.

His behaviour afterwards... maybe one could overlook the going straight to sleep, but the way he behaved in the morning... sounds planned I think, it actually takes quite a lot of effort to virtually ignore someone like that and its deliberately cruel. You can't even put this down to distracted/busy or simple bad manners either.
It was either negging to make you keener but show you who has the upper hand or designed to discourage you from "getting ideas" that you were building some kind of relationship.
He probably got a big ego boost from behaving like that.. which makes him really shallow. He's vile.

Don't give him the chance to upset you again. Leave him wondering if you went off him because he wasn't any good in bed - which he wasn't really given his post bed behaviour.

Lucky escape to see through him so quickly, even if it was painful.

banananas1999 · 25/08/2025 12:58

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:23

posted far too soon.

Im considering calling things off when/if he decides to get in touch again for how he acted towards me after we first slept together. But im unsure if im jumping the gun, so to speak.

Met a guy 3 weeks ago. Had two very good dates. He was a gentleman. Very kind towards me. Late last week I went on holiday for my friends birthday, he remained in contact via text regularly. Told me he can’t wait for our 3rd date once I’m home. My flight back was on Friday, and our 3rd date was last night. I came to his side of the city we live in and we went out for cocktails and to watch a band play. Afterwards we went back to his which was around the corner from the venue. Everything felt right and we slept together for the first time (first time I’d had sex in over 6 months). It was very good, passionate… we both enjoyed it. Everything I thought it would be.

The second it was over and he’d ‘finished’ he exclaimed how good it was, then turned his back to me, grabbed his phone and set his alarm for 7am (on a Sunday morning). He had plans with his friend in the afternoon but wanted to go to the gym beforehand early in the morning. He said “You can stay if you want but just so you know I’ll be up at 7am” he said this while his back to be. Then went straight to sleep, not facing me. I stayed on the other side of the bed and eventually fell asleep myself, I felt awkward being there. I would have expected a hug at least afterwards, but put it down to him being tired I guess.

Alarm went off at 7am, we both woke up. I said good morning, he replied in kind. Again no touching or looking over at me, he jumped straight out of bed. We got to sleep at 2am so I’m pretty tired, but I get up out of bed myself and go to his bathroom. By the time I get out he’s looking through his wardrobe deciding what he wants to wear for the day. I sit on his bed and book my Uber, I attempt to make small talk, and ask more about his plans for the day with his friend. Again doesn’t look at me which replying. At this point I felt like I’d served my purpose the night before and was no longer nessessary.

my uber arrives, he walks me to his door, the uber driver has parked at the end of his street due to road works that had taken place over the week. He says bye to me as I walk down the road.

Ive not heard from him at all. No “did you get home okay?” Or “I had a good night” text. Nothing.

My friend is convinced he’ll eventually text and he was just busy today, but being busy has never stopped him before. And to be honest I’m a put out by how distant he was after we had sex for the first time. He knows I don’t have casual sex and hadn’t slept with anyone for over 6 months, I felt like his behaviour was inconsiderate and I feel quite used. If he does decide to reach out to me again I don’t think I’ll want to continue as this has made me view him in a different light.

my friend thinks I’m overreacting. Am I?

Imo you moved onto the physixal part too fast, one way to feed jerks out is to make them wait.

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 25/08/2025 13:09

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 11:30

Thanks for replying, but I have to disagree with the statement that sex is casual after only a few weeks. I’ve had two long term partners (several years) before and I slept with them after about a month. I have friends who have slept with their husbands sooner than this. I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

It’s not even just a case of making the man wait like it’s a bargaining chip, I personally wouldn’t want to wait months. While I never have sex with just anyone, sex is important to me in a relationship and I need to ensure we’re sexually compatible otherwise it will be a waste of both of our times in the end. I slept with him after 3 weeks because he was respectful to me and made a big effort. Obviously I can’t predict what will happen after that, it’s a risk you take I guess.

Clearly this was not casual sex to you OP, and you had good reason to believe the relationship might go somewhere, especially as you have known the man through work for quite a while.
I fear though that as far as he was concerned all his consideration and politeness may have been put on with the goal of achieving a single night of passion. Which is a rubbish way to behave, but at least you know now and can move on.

CornishTiger · 25/08/2025 13:09

So it’s been a day and a half with no messaging from him to check in with you, thank you for a lovely night.

Nah no thanks. Throw him back. How rude regardless of the post coital coldness. That just adds to the fuel that’s he’s not a good guy!

lovethenights · 25/08/2025 13:12

Had his fill now he`s done.

Thortour · 25/08/2025 13:14

Anyone commenting you slept with him too quickly is a muppet. I slept with my now husband on the first date. That was 36 years ago and it doesn’t seem to have impacted us.

EstherGreenwood63 · 25/08/2025 13:14

Love these threads for revealing all the menz creepers... here to tell you it's you not him. Lol. 😂

Nachoinseachthu · 25/08/2025 13:20

He sounds horribly cold-blooded. I hope that leading you on then cutting you dead wasn’t part of his fun, it sounds almost sadistic.

That said, three dates in three weeks is probably only 15 hours of contact time.

Forget him.

InterestedDad37 · 25/08/2025 13:21

Can't see any reason why you'd even consider seeing him again 🤷

MrsDoubtfire1 · 25/08/2025 13:22

bananafake · 25/08/2025 12:47

I'm in my 60s and I disagree wiith you. Waiting for sex doesn't filter out nobs. They could be sleeping with other women to scratch that itch and be prepared to wait. This way OP has not really invested emotionally and wasted several months on this guy.

The important thing is not ignoring red flags when they start waving them. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he contacted the OP when he's at a loose end. She should then block/ignore.

I'm in my 60s and when in our day you didn't sleep with someone, you could have several blokes on the go, having a good time, meeting lots of new people, and generally enjoying your youth. The minute you commit to a physical relationship, you were tied down with one stooge. Yuk! I was foot loose and fancy free till the right one came along and I knew it straight away. He was gorgeous in so many ways and we've been married 45 years and still blissfully happy.

SwingTheMonkey · 25/08/2025 13:25

MrsDoubtfire1 · 25/08/2025 13:22

I'm in my 60s and when in our day you didn't sleep with someone, you could have several blokes on the go, having a good time, meeting lots of new people, and generally enjoying your youth. The minute you commit to a physical relationship, you were tied down with one stooge. Yuk! I was foot loose and fancy free till the right one came along and I knew it straight away. He was gorgeous in so many ways and we've been married 45 years and still blissfully happy.

How is having sex with someone committing to anything or being tied down? Your views are exceptionally old fashioned.

BunnyLake · 25/08/2025 13:30

banananas1999 · 25/08/2025 12:58

Imo you moved onto the physixal part too fast, one way to feed jerks out is to make them wait.

That’s not necessarily true. I slept with someone in the second or third date and we were together six years. I waited months with another (my decision) and we fizzled out before we ever did it. I think it’s very much down to how each person feels about the other.

BunnyLake · 25/08/2025 13:33

EstherGreenwood63 · 25/08/2025 13:14

Love these threads for revealing all the menz creepers... here to tell you it's you not him. Lol. 😂

I don’t understand a word of this. Can you translate into normal speak?

Trovindia · 25/08/2025 13:36

KitsyWitsy · 25/08/2025 09:53

Don't send him any messages saying it was 'disappointing'. God that is so embarrassing and unless he is really thick, he will see right through it.

It's true though, what's to "see through"? She did find the experience disappointing and she does want to end it.

Amanitacae · 25/08/2025 13:37

OP - if I'd had your instincts when I was dating I would have avoided a lot of heartache and wasted time!

100% agree with your approach of not texting him.

cryingandshaking · 25/08/2025 13:38

I’ve been there OP, it’s horrible isn’t it. My scenario was very similar to yours except it was at my house and he left in the early hours of the morning. It really knocked my confidence and I was so upset, especially after the long build up, just to end up being ghosted.

Trust me, he’ll get back in touch at some stage when he wants more - I heard from the guy about a month later. I didn’t reply and blocked him…. It was really hard to stick to this as my self esteem was v poor at the time, but I’m so glad I did this now in hindsight.