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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
AgnesX · 25/08/2025 13:38

That's pretty shoddy behaviour. I'd not wait for a second go tbh.

ChangingWeight · 25/08/2025 13:39

I’m so intrigued by this dynamic.

it kind of sounds like having sex with you was something on his to-do list when you worked together, and now he’s ticked it off he’s done with you. Seems like he planned this in advance.

how old are you both?

cryingandshaking · 25/08/2025 13:43

Also meant to add…. at the time I blamed myself for sleeping with him too soon (actually had a massive thread about it here at the time)! If I were dating again, god forbid, I would still sleep with the person early on for 2 reasons: to weed out the guys who do this and also to weed out the ones with erectile dysfunction/micropenises. I say this from bitter experience and also as I’m too old now to tolerate the stuff I did in my younger, insecure days.

QuaintPearlScroller · 25/08/2025 13:48

He’s made it clear he used you for sex and got what he wanted his actions the next day proved that I slept with someone once I met on a app many many years ago when I was single and we both knew it was just sex but next day he still walked me to the bus and gave me a coffee point Is the guy Just used you and of course it’ll be upsetting better off without him he’s probably already meeting someone else now setting up his next shag

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/08/2025 13:55

Subwaystop · 25/08/2025 02:24

I’m grossed out for you by his behavior. He couldn’t even bother to pretend with a bit of post coitus cuddling. Yeah, he’ll probably be back, if he wants to try to get his dick wet again. But why would anyone want to get with him even if just casually, if what’s on offer isn’t even a little physical time together after sex? He seems repulsive and I’d get the ick.

Meanwhile your gify is just the change of pace and the cuddly energy needed in your life… 😄

I fall asleep straight after sex - I just can help it. (And automatically turn to sleep the way I usually do, even if I start off facing the other way round for the few seconds I remain awake).

Not saying the guy isn't a dick - just that some of us sleep after sex and aren't conscious enough for post coital cuddling and spooning...

JHound · 25/08/2025 13:57

ChangingWeight · 25/08/2025 13:39

I’m so intrigued by this dynamic.

it kind of sounds like having sex with you was something on his to-do list when you worked together, and now he’s ticked it off he’s done with you. Seems like he planned this in advance.

how old are you both?

Worked together?

CallingOutRider · 25/08/2025 13:58

He has used you. I don’t agree that it’s just a mismatch in what you wanted - it’s perfectly possible for him to make clear he wants casual if that’s the case and for his behaviour to be consistent. Instead he chose to lie by presenting himself as something he wasn’t.

It’s not your fault OP and I think this is really common. I’ve even heard men excuse this as a biological thing that women won’t understand - they’ve involved to have sex then leave and find someone else to impregnate. Delightful.

I find it very disturbing that someone can put on an act so easily and then just drop it. It’s not just that they’re being a bit more distant. Men like this often become so cold that it makes me feel they don’t even see the woman as fully human - just an object they’ve used.

However I actually think he’s done you a favour. I think men like this often have a certain kind of attachment style which is not conducive to healthy relationships. Why would you even consider continuing with someone like this? This is the point it should still be exciting and texting each other all the time. He’s had sex with you, refused to even look at you after and not been in contact since.

Even if someone did just want casual sex, and some of the excitement was gone once it was over, a normal person would still be respectful and polite the next day. I mean, I am nicer than that to acquaintances at work. Never mind someone I’ve been texting constantly and then had sex with.

ChangingWeight · 25/08/2025 13:58

JHound · 25/08/2025 13:57

Worked together?

Have you read the OP’s posts?

JHound · 25/08/2025 13:59

CallingOutRider · 25/08/2025 13:58

He has used you. I don’t agree that it’s just a mismatch in what you wanted - it’s perfectly possible for him to make clear he wants casual if that’s the case and for his behaviour to be consistent. Instead he chose to lie by presenting himself as something he wasn’t.

It’s not your fault OP and I think this is really common. I’ve even heard men excuse this as a biological thing that women won’t understand - they’ve involved to have sex then leave and find someone else to impregnate. Delightful.

I find it very disturbing that someone can put on an act so easily and then just drop it. It’s not just that they’re being a bit more distant. Men like this often become so cold that it makes me feel they don’t even see the woman as fully human - just an object they’ve used.

However I actually think he’s done you a favour. I think men like this often have a certain kind of attachment style which is not conducive to healthy relationships. Why would you even consider continuing with someone like this? This is the point it should still be exciting and texting each other all the time. He’s had sex with you, refused to even look at you after and not been in contact since.

Even if someone did just want casual sex, and some of the excitement was gone once it was over, a normal person would still be respectful and polite the next day. I mean, I am nicer than that to acquaintances at work. Never mind someone I’ve been texting constantly and then had sex with.

Also OP says she told him she does not so casual so he was well aware.

Which makes his behaviour worse.

MaryMungoMidgley · 25/08/2025 14:01

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 10:41

He isn’t ugly, he is conventionally attractive by generally society standards I’d say. But yes, he but a lot of work in. He could get casual sex else where. Maybe he enjoys the chase.

I think it's this, he is gratified by the chase and the feeling of victory he gets when he obtains sex from you.
Once you've been conquered he loses interest and treats you like a free at the point of use sex worker.
I would ignore him from now on.

JHound · 25/08/2025 14:03

ChangingWeight · 25/08/2025 13:58

Have you read the OP’s posts?

Thanks!

I saw the starting posts and her latest posts but not the one in the middle!

Kubricklayer · 25/08/2025 14:12

Classic sleezebag that got what he want from you OP then dropped you literally the minute after he got it.

Classic gym obsessed narcassistic bellend that will be on the hunt for his next bedpost notch.

He's shown you who he really is plain as day, so if you entertain him any further it will only lead to disappointment.

AgathaCristina · 25/08/2025 14:14

Has he texted you?

Jackiepumpkinhead · 25/08/2025 14:18

Sadly, I doubt you’ll hear from him again anyway OP. You did nothing wrong, he’s a desperate areshole.

Nurseleaver82 · 25/08/2025 14:23

I'm sorry, but he was hinting at you to leave by saying to stay but that he had to get up early. I know it's not nice to leave somewhere in the middle of the night. Then following through and getting up early with the alarm, to hammer his point. He probably went back to bed after you left, I've done this before myself. I never stay over the first time I sleep with someone new, I think the first time is kind of the try out to see what it's like. Intimacy takes time to build. Im sorry to sound like such a 🐮 xx - I am a single parent though, in my 40s(I only bring bfs home when child is at her Dads and after some considerable time), I think it's just different when you're older and dating

MaryMungoMidgley · 25/08/2025 14:28

Very true, op he was warning you that Mr seductive would morph into Mr vain and gymm obsessed shortly after he had relieved himself.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 25/08/2025 14:33

MsDDxx · 25/08/2025 10:49

She’s not 8 😂, that’s a really immature thing to say to him. Playground vibes to me!

And I don’t think he’d care either, he’ll see right through it. If he’s deliberately acting cold to get rid of her, he’ll be delighted.

Agree, it's the same as boys who say they didn't fancy you anyway when you turn them down. Childish.

glassesandbeer · 25/08/2025 14:34

He reminds me of Douglas from the IT crowd, ‘normally I can’t wait to get away from a woman after I have ejaculated in her’

I don’t think you need to worry about ending it with him, sounds like he has already ended it.

SnoopyPajamas · 25/08/2025 14:34

You say the sex was good, OP - that it was passionate and everything you wanted? I wonder if it wasn't everything he wanted.

It's possible he has just switched off instantly now the thrill of the chase has been gratified, as other posters have said. But personally, I'd be wondering if he had some pornographic fantasy and was sulking I hadn't performed 'as expected'. Or if he's the sort of man who was hoping he could get away without having to spend much time on your pleasure, and resents that he had to put in the effort. What you're describing could be awkwardness. Him trying to manage your expectation of now being in a real relationship, by forcing distance between you. But it could also be resentment. In your shoes, I'm not sure how I'd read it.

What's clear is that you deserve better. I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy. Whatever his problem is, it's just that. His problem. Not yours. Throw him back. There's no potential with a man who treats you this way.

chunkybear · 25/08/2025 14:36

I’d act aloof for a while, if he messages or rings, leave responding for a while and be aloof - he’ll either come back or he’ll get the message he’s been a dick. I think some blokes can be very bloke-like and shit, need some training lol … but if you felt used perhaps throw a bit back at him!

GreyPearlSatin · 25/08/2025 14:38

Sounds pretty shit. Even if he had planned to ghost you after sleeping together, at the very least he could have been polite to you while you were still there. I would just block him and move on. No need to tell him first. He'll figure it out if he ever does try to contact you again. However, if you block him, at least you close the book on this chapter right now, rather waiting to see if he does make an attempt to get back in touch.

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 14:47

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/08/2025 12:33

'You can stay if you want'

doesn't that say it all ?

did you plan on staying at his, or was going to his afterwards totally unexpected.

It wasn’t planned for me when I went to meet him the night. Could well have been planned by him though as the venue was not far from his house in his town. I didn’t know how close it was before we met that night.

“Doesn’t that say it all?” He’s a grown man. If he want me out of his property that’s his right and on him to tell me directly. I’m not here to read into passive agreesive comments. Especially when we’d both been drinking.

While it wouldn’t have been nice to hear I think I’d preferred it if he’d told me directly to leave. Would have saved me being treated like an inconvenience the next morning as a result of his own cowardliness.

OP posts:
KookySnail · 25/08/2025 14:48

AgathaCristina · 25/08/2025 14:14

Has he texted you?

Nope.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 25/08/2025 14:59

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 14:48

Nope.

He's made it very, very clear that he's not interested now he's got what he wanted. What a prick, sorry OP.

Unfortunately I don't think there's any way to weed out men who are putting on an act just to get laid, without waiting months to have sex - and I personally wouldn't want to wait that long!

daisychain01 · 25/08/2025 15:01

In this situation, I'd send him a final quite bland text to say

"Hi, thanks for the date (don't bother mentioning the sex), just to let you know I'm calling time because I'm seeing someone else. Good knowing you, all the best"

Make it decisive and resolute - then block him, don't get tempted to get pulled back in if his poor little fragile ego is dented and he comes back whinging.

Do it 100% for you, it will give you a feeling of closure, you've pulled stumps not him, and it'll wipe the smug smirk off his face. Also you're not making a point you're giving him some facts that he can't argue with.