Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

[KookySnail]

I’m considering c

Don't feel used. It felt right. You had a good time. Sex was passionate. Move on. He's a player!

I never got the impression he was self centred until this happened. He always made time for me, he’d remember what I was doing that day, and would follow up with messages asking how my appointment went, for example. Or ask how my brother was doing, he hasn’t been well lately.

He definitely knows how to act, he has a fairly high level job which involves making deals with other high level professionals. I guess he knows the right things to say.

The not looking at me was bizarre. His face was in his wardrobe and was more focused on what to wear for the gym. I found it so rude I couldn’t wait for my uber to arrive.

I know you don’t want to contact him but I honestly would send a text saying it’s not working for me. Not saying anything will come across as you don’t care (fair enough) but sending a text saying you don’t want anything further would be more satisfying and would be taking control of the situation. (For me anyway).

He sounds like a player. I’ve met one or two like that. It’s like someone flipped a switch. I’m very much what you see is what you get so I find that sort of behaviour really unsettling. You’re not overreacting

Forget about him. It sounds as though he used you. I doubt he’ll contact you please don’t contact him.

If he does don’t answer him or even better tell him his behaviour is gross. More people should call men out on their bad behaviour.

I think your friend is wrong. He may not even contact you again but if he does I would ignore him. Same as he did with you after sex

I'm sorry, OP, but he sounds exactly like a guy who was just aiming to have sex with you and, bam, done.

And, tbh, it is casual sex after a couple of weeks of texting and on the third date. It may not have felt like that to you, but for men like this, it absolutely is.

I think he might be scared of his own feelings OP. Some people are serial avoiders when faced with their own vulnerabilities. However, I’m not excusing his behaviour, and you need to look after your own interests. Perhaps he’s not in the market for a serious relationship. I wouldn’t block him, as some others have suggested. Wait it out and then make a decision as to whether you want to proceed - you hold the power. Take care.

Thanks for replying, but I have to disagree with the statement that sex is casual after only a few weeks. I’ve had two long term partners (several years) before and I slept with them after about a month. I have friends who have slept with their husbands sooner than this. I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

It’s not even just a case of making the man wait like it’s a bargaining chip, I personally wouldn’t want to wait months. While I never have sex with just anyone, sex is important to me in a relationship and I need to ensure we’re sexually compatible otherwise it will be a waste of both of our times in the end. I slept with him after 3 weeks because he was respectful to me and made a big effort. Obviously I can’t predict what will happen after that, it’s a risk you take I guess.

You're not being unreasonable.

At least the sex wasn't terrible? I'm looking for an upside here.

But really, he's an arse, I wouldn't even reply to him after that treatment.

I agree with a lot of this, why not build up a relationship and get to know someone before having sex? Would save a lot of heartache like this.

Also agree with a PP about men who are really into you, will make breakfast, go out to get coffee, take you for brunch etc and frankly make you feel a bit more special than this dick who just made the OP feel like crap.

This is great to read, full respect to you! Hopefully he learnt something from you.

Your friends sound young and like they need to read “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

I don’t think you need to worry about what to say as I doubt you will hear from him again.

If he does try to message you again it will
be at about 10/11pm and he will ask what you are up to and if you want to meet up.

Sorry about this one but you need to put him in the bin.

I think even if you’d waited until after an another couple of dates the outcome would have been the same. He is rude. I’ve had better behaviour from ONSs.

I like the idea of sending him a message. Tell him he was really off with you this morning so you won’t be seeing him again.

“He knows I don’t have casual sex and hadn’t slept with anyone for over 6 months”

Men like this don’t care. Their needs are paramount. You can tell them you don’t have casual sex and they literally. do. not. care.

As some podcasters I listen to say “Pull up the P*ssy drawbridge” and filter men like this out.

I only say this as a woman in my 40s looking back at some of what I got up to when I was in my 20s and 30s- why not wait a few months? Who cares if it's not really how other people do things? If you want something more than casual and you know your sensitive and can get hurt, why not get to know him over several months first?

I also get what you mean about wanting to see if your sexually compatible but the other side of that is- what if a guy is just nervous, you might think nah he's not for me, but if you wait and get to know each other the sex might be ten times better than if you did it early on when not knowing each other.

Can you recommend those podcasts please?

Ha ha! I am not sure the Mumsnet crowd is their target demographic but it was called: Closet Confessions.

It’s not centred on relationship advice but that often comes up given the reader letters that came in (past tense as they have not done any new episodes in over a year.)

Exactly this. It’s entirely fair of her to feel used (and I would agree with her assessment.)

@KookySnail I’d be really hurt by that behaviour. I’d definitely have to pull him up on it, though from his behaviour it sounds like he was after one thing … 🥺 if so, he’s a pig.

I don’t this is necessarily true. I have known men act like this and still vanish!

The best way of knowing how into you a man is, is consistency of behaviour over an extended period of time.

Charming. Definitely don't see him again if he does re-emerge.

It reminds me of the behaviour of a very blatant ONS. Not the start of a meaningful relationship.

I've had ONS act this way and I wasn't bothered. But I literally met them the night before and I had no intention of seeing them again. But if I had a few nice dates with him I'd be mortified to be treated that way.

@KookySnail

I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

While this maybe true I am not sure this is a good thing given how much of a shit show modern dating is and how often I hear women
complaining about experiences such as yours and constantly feeling “used”.

I don’t view it as making him wait.
It’s about making me wait so I can see if we are on the same page and I feel that can only be determined by looking at the consistency of his words and actions over an extended* period of time.

(How long is up to the individual but I don’t think 3 dates in 3 weeks is sufficient time.)

What a twat he is OP. It's so depressing when someone seems genuinely nice and then it turns out it was all just fake to get you into bed.

If he does get in contact eventually you'll know it's just for another booty call - tell him the sex wasn't quite up to what you were hoping for, so you think it would be better if you didn't repeat it. What an arsehole.

Are you, me?

😂

Women in her 40s here and yep, same. I have a number of experiences like OP (sadly some worse) in my 20s/30s and had I know then what I know…..things would have been very different.)