People who give up on life

[Dappy777]

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

@HonestOpalHelper omg that’s a car crash slowly unfolding before your own eyes and being unable to stop it.

Children living at home to adulthood is not an issue

Children dependent on their parents for life admin, social life, housekeeping and meals, long after their parents could be considered elderly, with no offer of help or rent is the issue

When their elderly parents die or are taken into care homes, that's where the fun begins

Thank you! 👏Exactly what I’m thinking reading all these patronising posts.

Not everyone wants to be a part of the community. I certainly don’t.

Live and let live.

It isn't a male issue, and autism isn't a mental health disorder.

It feels like this thread is being derailed by people taking this thread personally and getting defensive, but most of these posters are not in the situation that’s being originally discussed.
I have a family member in this situation, and i am worried what will happen when his elderly parents pass, Im not sure he could look after himself tbh.
Im glad we are talking about it, please don’t ruin the thread for those of us who need the advice and experience of people,e who have been there and dealt with it.

“Intelligent” you say? 😒

This. Mumsnet in general seems quite anti-friendship but i imagine quite a few of the people asking if it's OK not to have friends are in the situations described in this thread

Yes, in about 1950.

My friend is like this.
He is 47 and lives at home with his mother. He still lives in his old childhood bedroom.
He’s definitely undiagnosed autistic, he does work but isn’t interested in a relationship. His mum does everything for him - including washing and cooking.
When she is no longer around, he will definitely struggle. He is completely reliant on her.

Is he an only child?

It almost seems better if they are an only child, as they will hopefully never have to leave the family home.

I think a lot of men let themselves go.
I’m not talking about not being completely into style and fashion or spending hours on grooming, just basic things.
Lots of older, single men live in squalor. They don’t clean their house or appear to take any pride in how they live.
The look like extras in zombie films, then moan that women refuse to take any interest in them. They are obese and scruffy, with zero social skills.

My son is only 10 but it's one of my (many) worries for his future as he is autisticand many thingsare difficultfor him on an everyday basis. I want him to live a full and independent life (as much as possible).

If I manage to live as long as the life expectancy predicts for a woman in the UK, he'll only be 46 when I go. In his prime,and I hope with a family of his own or in a loving relationship with someone.

While I fully intend to live longer than this, I can't get a guarantee on that!

It's a worry.

I am not sure this is an introvert / extrovert issue.
I know many people who could be described as introverts and do not have lots of friends in a classic sense. But they do have hobbies, employment and interests.
I have met men in the situation OP describes. And wome. There is a family element, a legacy perhaps of some trauma or difficulty which causes a family to look inwards. The world is cruel and it is understandable that people look inwards to their own family / children to seek safety.
I think the roots of support for all of us begins in childhood. When that period of opportunity has passed and it is an older adult that needs support there are still possibilities. Breaking down isolation is possible with the right effort.

The communities we live in tend to be focused on capitalist / consumerist ideas of what is 'achievement ' or the 'good life'. We all have a responsibility to ourselves and each other to challenge that and to try and be more inclusive. No wonder people get marginalised and develop mental health problems. It is an us problem not an individual tragedy.

Yes and I don’t think this is a situation siblings could ‘rescue’ him from anyway tbh

It does, atleast they get to keep the house all to their selves

I have a cousin who is 19 this year and I fear this could be his future. His mother has infantilized him and his siblings so I fear they will be the same. He has just finished school and did well in his final exams but is doing nothing now but sitting at home everyday. His mother said he is "taking a year out" but to me that means someone is travelling, working etc. He doesn't need to go to University but I would love to see him even get a job. Also not learning to drive so still relying on parents for everything. He doesn't have any friends. I think it is so sad as he will see his peers moving on with their lives. He definitely has some element of anxiety/social anxiety and has a DS that has every sign of autism. Years ago when I could see they were struggling, I bought it up with their mother but was told she didn't want labels on them.

I was the opposite I left home at 17 and couldn't wait to do so. My life is by no means perfect but I am a functioning adult with a lot of life experience.

The few men I know like this have mild learning difficulties and / or undiagnosed autism. It's hard because by the time they reach their fifties plus it's very difficult for them to initiate change without family members or professionals getting them help.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX I'm really glad you've made the contributions you have in this thread because I think your perspective on this is important and it was something I had missed initially. I completely agree that there is a danger of imposing standards for 'normality' that don't work for a lot of people. That's why when social workers assess people's needs they are supposed to focus on what the individual actually wants out of life and what their personal normal / ideal look like.

That said I also think there can be difficulty in working out what is 'normal' for someone because it reflects their personality m, their values, their deep-seated preferences, and what is 'normal' for someone because life has denied them opportunities or because their mental health has taken them in a direction that leads to coping mechanisms that cause them problems. For example I've worked with people who say they don't care about their homes being clean (and indeed have worked with people whose hoarding is so bad you can hardly move in their home and it presents a serious hygiene and health and safety issue). Sometimes there is a history of poverty or trauma or bereavement or just lack of practical living skills which seems to have had a big bearing on how the situation developed. I've worked with people who say they only want one small meal a day and don't care about nutrition but are having terrible health problems as a result; with people who don't want to wash but are sad that they are lonely and don't get why people won't go out with them; who say they don't need friends or jobs or hobbies but then seem to be incredibly depressed and have no sense of purpose in life. So many people are also so low in confidence and so suspicious of others (often understandably based on horrible life experiences) that any sort of change feels too difficult and too risky. Not all 'normal' conventions are right for everyone but equally I suspect some of them are norms for a reason: without them it is harder to function, harder to live well, harder to find love.

Um ,l am mid 70 s nursed my wife for 5 years with vascular dimentia she passed in feb 25 and kept the bungalow and garden nice and clean and tidy , dust ,hoover, shower daily ,shave and still have many friends .so we are all the same

She said a lot of men NOT all of men...

Yes, I know a few like this. I have a relative who never moved out of his parents’ home and he’s now nearly 70. His father died last year and now the house, which has long been in disrepair because it was never maintained, has to be sold, so his siblings can get their share. It’s all very difficult. I have another friend who’s brother just refused to move out after his mum died and even after the house had been sold. Relatives had to change the locks in the end and offered to help find him a flat to rent and to sign on for relevant benefits. The guy has never claimed any benefits or had any income or job and won’t get a state pension. He refused all offers of help and spent his inheritance on living in a hotel.

This is nothing new there have always been people like this. People are shy, flawed, not everyone copes with life as much as others. We nowadays think it’s weird to rely on family or community for support. We think everyone should be perfectly socialble and clever and be able to cope well with modern life. But everyone is different and makes different choices in life. I find it weird that nowadays everyone has to be diagnosed with something if are just a bit different .

The poster said some men - not all men. Why are you taking it personally?

Then there is this view that men have that women become undesirable or over the hill after 30 when in fact we enjoy relationships and bonds with children and still take pride in our appearance, homes, social lives, self-development well into our 70s if we are single. It's men who literally fester and become quite disgusting once they hit 30 if they're unattached, and even if they are attached. I have also noticed women not wanting to have sex with their partners after a certain number of years together.

Why can’t we develop perpetual sperm banks, perfect in utero sex selection, and just phase men out of existence?