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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who give up on life

233 replies

Dappy777 · 24/08/2025 15:52

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 24/08/2025 20:58

5128gap · 24/08/2025 20:11

In fairness, there is quite a lot of effort made to reach and help lonely men. In my village alone there's a men's wellbeing group and a mental health group. Add to this the usual activities, walking groups, sports, the gym, the greater ease with which solo men can move about and go wherever they choose without the caution women tend to apply, and I'm struggling to see what 'society' can do more. Sometimes it's a case of you can lead the horse to water.

The big thing for me is going to the pub by themselves. You get suspicion and sometimes even hassle in some traditional pubs as a woman alone.

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 20:58

Someone2025 · 24/08/2025 20:33

Has it prevented you from having a relationship thus far or is there other reasons for you being single?

No, its never had any impact that I am aware of, I'm sure it might have put someone off but not that I'm aware of - and that's fair enough.

Loubylie · 24/08/2025 21:03

I'm surprised at this, because the men I know who do nothing and spend a lot of time holed up in their childhood bedrooms are young men. I know several. I assumed it was a side effect of the Internet and gaming. This thread has made me realise a significant minority of men have always been like this.

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 21:04

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 24/08/2025 17:10

I know someone like this, work with him. Only he bought his parents house, so they live with him iyswim. It’s not through lack of his parents trying to get him to have his own life, and we’ve all tried at work to support him in finding other interests. He just doesn’t want to. God alone knows what will happen when his remaining parent dies. I think he’s used up everyone’s patience and goodwill.

He sounds like me, same scenario, slowly bought out my parents equity years ago - thing is, why do you think he needs help, you say he's used up the goodwill, but is he looking for goodwill and help?

Whatwhat123 · 24/08/2025 21:05

I’m in this situation, I’ve always struggled with jobs due to crippling anxiety, moved out in my 20s but it wasn’t a healthy relationship so moved back home in my 30s. The judgement and little comments I get all the time are very upsetting and it’s depressing reading this thread tbh.
I am trying to join social groups and to hopefully volunteer soon, but it’s hard and I’ve been working on my social skills for years.
I feel like I don’t want to date as I don’t trust men and feel embarrassed about my situation. I don’t really know what to do.

Someone2025 · 24/08/2025 21:07

Launchless · 24/08/2025 20:52

I have a job but it's not a good job. My parents wouldn't like me being in the living room.

My parents wouldn't like me being in the living room.
Why?

Have your parents ever encouraged you to move out and live independently?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 21:10

myplace · 24/08/2025 20:56

Most of us are engaging with the people we’re talking about. They are our relatives, or people we’ve come into contact with at work. The reason we are talking about them is because there are problems. It’s not ‘point and stare at the lonely guy over there’. It’s ‘where will BiL live?’, ‘BiL hasn’t answered the phone for a week, can someone go and see if he’s ok?’.

"problems" for who though?

Again, I think there is still a lot of assumption going on in this thread, people looking at other people's lives and lifestyles, and assuming that because they aren't the norm for them, that the other person is somehow deficient, lacking, damaged, or a "problem".

What if BiL hasn't answered the phone in a week because he considers your phonecalls to be excessive to the point of harassment, and is trying to subtly show that the call is neither welcome nor necessary?

Regular phonecalls might well be normal for you and a display of caring and concern, or even just part and parcel of what you perceive to be typical family interaction. To another person they are intrusive, a nuisance, and entirely unwelcome. Neither person is right or wrong, but ordinarily it's the caller who ends up offended and assuming there is something wrong with the recipient, once the recipient makes it clear they are not interested in regular phone dialogue. So lo and behold, once the phonecalls are rejected, this is perceived as "problematic", yet it's only problematic for you. The person who is no longer being pestered on the phone is much happier.

myplace · 24/08/2025 21:14

No! You are assuming that everything is fine and we are judgemental. We are talking about problematic situations- people becoming homeless, people lying injured with no one noticing because they never leave the house anyway.

Of course where people are happy and self sufficient it isn’t a problem.

Bathingforest · 24/08/2025 21:15

Sundaymunch · 24/08/2025 17:43

Agree - It’s not giving up but in some cases being a victim to your upbringing and not knowing how to break out and live independently. There’s also this big push to conform to societal norms and if you’re not out there working, socialising, living independently then you’re a problem and need intervention.

This thread has a very judgemental tone about it.

I've always worked very very hard, sold many bottles of wine, led even once a tour bit wore social mask. If you ask me, I'm most happy bring home with the kids or two crazy old wigs like me, who get me.

I tried old English women socialising, just didn't feel a single sparkle of fun coming from anyone

Yes, judge me also

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 21:18

myplace · 24/08/2025 21:14

No! You are assuming that everything is fine and we are judgemental. We are talking about problematic situations- people becoming homeless, people lying injured with no one noticing because they never leave the house anyway.

Of course where people are happy and self sufficient it isn’t a problem.

people lying injured with no one noticing because they never leave the house anyway

This is just one of the consequences for living this sort of life, and don't think for a moment it doesn't occur to people like this that this is an entirely conceivable scenario.

It's just one of the things you accept is the price of eschewing constant, regular contact with other people.

Again, it's a problem for you, but you are just assuming it's also a problem for them.

Bathingforest · 24/08/2025 21:26

NImumconfused · 24/08/2025 17:43

The trouble is though, there is so little support available, it's entirely left up to parents to deal with autism, mental health problems etc unless they're really severe. And parents on their own can't tap into the systems and resources that the professionals can. So they muddle along, spending money on whatever private support they can find, with no guidance as to whether that's the best thing for their child. The system is so stretched the professionals can't provide the needed support, but they also won't even tell you what type of private provision would be useful if you have the money for it.

Why they would hide this information

smallpinecone · 24/08/2025 21:44

Gwenhwyfar · 24/08/2025 20:41

Very sad. On the other hand, there are plenty of single women who are active and social and still don't find a husband and have friendships that don't last. There's no guarantee that anyone will be in a good place in their old age.

Yes, plenty of single women who are active and social - I’m not saying there aren’t!

I can only speak about her situation and wonder what might have helped her - or help her now - as she’s full of regrets and anger and tells me often that it was a life wasted. So it’s worth thinking about.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/08/2025 21:47

smallpinecone · 24/08/2025 21:44

Yes, plenty of single women who are active and social - I’m not saying there aren’t!

I can only speak about her situation and wonder what might have helped her - or help her now - as she’s full of regrets and anger and tells me often that it was a life wasted. So it’s worth thinking about.

Yes, but do you get my point as well? She could have done everything the 'right' way, but still ended up lonely in retirement.

Bathingforest · 24/08/2025 21:55

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 19:26

Its not enough just to say “this is what this person is like, they are a loner/dysfunctional/introvert”. Why isn’t society enabling people to participate? How can we change it?

So basically all the people who are just introverted, perfectly happy leading their atypical lives, or have no interest in participating in other people's ideas of what they should be doing, can't just be left to do their own thing, and this is something that needs changed whether they want it to change or otherwise?

Sure, there are people who are "trapped" or have been denied opportunities through no fault of their own, and yes, society needs to think about how to help these people give themselves a leg up, but society also needs to respect the fact that some people choose to live what is perceived to be an "atypical" life and leave them in peace to get on with it.

This is why I totally understand why some people bristle at terms like "failure to launch", because it reinforces this idea that there is only one acceptable way to "do" life, and school - university - career - mortgage - marriage - children is the only permitted and acceptable path, otherwise you are somehow living your life to the detriment of wider society. It's outdated nonsense, and frankly it's highly offensive.

What are people going to do about the ones who don't want to launch, despite their parents best efforts

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 22:01

Bathingforest · 24/08/2025 21:55

What are people going to do about the ones who don't want to launch, despite their parents best efforts

Which people? why is it their business?

As time goes on, as costs go up, more and more of the younger generations will stay living at home.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 22:03

Bathingforest · 24/08/2025 21:55

What are people going to do about the ones who don't want to launch, despite their parents best efforts

Put your notion of "launch" into context, then it can be discussed.

I'm not sure how you compel people to comply with your idea of what a successful life looks like anyway. Parents can do all they like, or as little as they like, it's not a guarantee of anything and if their children refuse to play ball, or choose to go in a different direction, then that's their choice and not a reflection on the parents.

Judellie · 24/08/2025 22:16

Similar to you here @CoolherShakeher

stargirl1701 · 24/08/2025 22:17

Yup. My 46 year old brother is still gaming his life away in his teenage bedroom. I’m staying with my Dad this weekend with my DH and DC. My brother cooked dinner for himself then left all the dishes strewn around the kitchen for my elderly father to deal with.

At this point, it’s good that my brother is there. My Dad has had a number of serious health issues over the past 12 months. But. The future looms. As a teacher of 3 decades, I suspect my brother is autistic, has ADHD and I know he is severely dyslexic.

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 22:23

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 22:03

Put your notion of "launch" into context, then it can be discussed.

I'm not sure how you compel people to comply with your idea of what a successful life looks like anyway. Parents can do all they like, or as little as they like, it's not a guarantee of anything and if their children refuse to play ball, or choose to go in a different direction, then that's their choice and not a reflection on the parents.

A lot of people consider "launching" to leaving the family home, our little black and white house has been in the family since at least the late 1500's, no one has left or gone anywhere - nor have I, but I'm not a sparrow or blackbird.

Many people now sadly have a view that the school, university, job, mortgage.... life is the only good thing you can do, and that anything else is reckless. But scratch the surface and do I see the green eyed monster of jealousy, do they eye the path those of us who have vive'la'diffrence with envy?

I think many who climb the corporate pole or career ladder would rather like the more eclectic life of the homebird, not tied to contracted hours, overtime or teams meetings - but they are not brave enough to break with convention.

I'm really unbothered what people think about the way I have chosen to live, I'd rather hope they had something more interesting to think about - I have never once yearned to board the 5.45 to London Waterloo, struggle through the hoards and find a hot desk, or indeed a cold one - or log on to teams and observe other peoples shelves! Good luck to the brave souls I say, its grim out there!

smallpinecone · 24/08/2025 22:31

Gwenhwyfar · 24/08/2025 21:47

Yes, but do you get my point as well? She could have done everything the 'right' way, but still ended up lonely in retirement.

That might have happened too, I didn’t say it wasn’t a possibility.

CoolherShakeher · 24/08/2025 22:34

Judellie · 24/08/2025 22:16

Similar to you here @CoolherShakeher

Oh, I'm sorry, it massively sucks. Happy to DM, if you don't mind the intrusion? I have no answers, but always happy to listen

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 22:37

A lot of people consider "launching" to leaving the family home

Well in that case, the homeowner can dictate who has permission to live there, the children are rarely the homeowner, so if the homeowner never rescinds permission for the children to live in the home, they can't very well turn around and complain when the child is still residing there into their 40s or 50s.

At some point you need to stop assuming they'll just leave of their own accord when the time is right. Some people do just need a boot up the arse, and if the boot is on your foot and you refuse to swing it...

Travelfairy · 24/08/2025 22:38

I know a few people like this, mainly men. One is my BF's brother. He is 48, twice divorced, back living at home. Has eaten his way to morbid obesity (comfort eating i imagine). Despite parents & siblings best efforts he wont see GP or counsellor or address his health issues. Its really frustrating to see tbh, can't imagine what its like for the family. It will be exavtly that situation, he will be all alone when parents die and possibly homeless as siblings will look for their inheritance share.....

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 24/08/2025 23:03

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 21:04

He sounds like me, same scenario, slowly bought out my parents equity years ago - thing is, why do you think he needs help, you say he's used up the goodwill, but is he looking for goodwill and help?

Yes he has and is. It’s making several of us extremely uneasy around him. Primarily this has been caused by his lack of awareness over how he can behave and come across in interacting with others. There are no ND or other reasons for it. It purely stems from him not having had a life outside of his parents for 40 years. Neither of his parents are to blame for this, they actively push for him to join other groups outside of work and without them going with him. They’ve always encouraged him to keep up with old school friends, encouraged relationships etc. He simply refuses. The recent loss of a parent has really highlighted just how unprepared he is for the reality of life, from interacting with individuals socially, communicating with business (and g setting up gas and electric bills), running a house, budgeting, maintenance, general life stuff like dentists etc. All essential life skills you would have expected someone at nearly 50 to have mastered. We’ve tried to help when asked, and then we have to watch as he decides he either isn’t going to do xx or he does something he’s been advised not to do, and it goes wrong. There’s only so much stepping in a literally doing it for him we are prepared to do!
it’s quite sad, as he is genuinely a nice person, who is going to be left with no one and no skills to be able to rebuild his life. But as he won’t meet modern society even half way…..

HonestOpalHelper · 24/08/2025 23:14

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 24/08/2025 23:03

Yes he has and is. It’s making several of us extremely uneasy around him. Primarily this has been caused by his lack of awareness over how he can behave and come across in interacting with others. There are no ND or other reasons for it. It purely stems from him not having had a life outside of his parents for 40 years. Neither of his parents are to blame for this, they actively push for him to join other groups outside of work and without them going with him. They’ve always encouraged him to keep up with old school friends, encouraged relationships etc. He simply refuses. The recent loss of a parent has really highlighted just how unprepared he is for the reality of life, from interacting with individuals socially, communicating with business (and g setting up gas and electric bills), running a house, budgeting, maintenance, general life stuff like dentists etc. All essential life skills you would have expected someone at nearly 50 to have mastered. We’ve tried to help when asked, and then we have to watch as he decides he either isn’t going to do xx or he does something he’s been advised not to do, and it goes wrong. There’s only so much stepping in a literally doing it for him we are prepared to do!
it’s quite sad, as he is genuinely a nice person, who is going to be left with no one and no skills to be able to rebuild his life. But as he won’t meet modern society even half way…..

Oh dear, that does sound a potential disaster in the making - I have a friend, likewise lived with DP until they both recently died.

He works (teacher) intelligent chap, nice guy, now suddenly worth just over a million - has just announced that after 50 years on the shelf, he's getting married - to someone he's never met off the web - how can this possibly go wrong I ask myself.