Husband has got extreme views

[UnsureDifferences]

Name change on this to protect myself and family.
So my DH has over the past few years got more and more what I would call extreme views. He is into conspiracy theories, it started off by watching a few videos and being curious and now he full thinks that the illuminati are out to enslave us and talks about the earth being flat, which he is not sure about but goes on about it.
He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared.
I am an easy going educated person who leans slightly left and believes in science.
This is really getting me down as I am not sure I can be with him anymore if this is who he is now.
Aibu to leave him for having these different views. Or is it managable to continue on.
One part of me thinks it is similar to two people of different faiths being married, is this possible? Has anyone had a good relationship with someone with opposite political or religious views to them?
Any ideas as to what to do here.
Everything else is fine in our relationship

Re my earlier post, he is also one of the "send them all back" believers. He is an immigrant himself, married to another immigrant. Rational thought no longer applies.

It's this for me. It would depend if the views made me a) lose respect for his intelligence and rationality and b) made me lose respect for his morals. May not be a deal breaker otherwise. Trauma and transition periods are windows where someone may have a cognitive opening for these things, to help them try and make sense of a world that feels out of control, or channel some anxiety or anger. I would start by trying to bolster his resilience and contentment in life and see what impact that has on these topics of interest

I’m sorry op I couldn’t be with someone like this, and I do not feel it is the same as having a religious faith, and to be honest, I’d be side eying you also in the fact you think it might be, however I suspect you’re scrabbling for a way to justify it.

the reason I’d leave is id think he was stunningly stupid and have no respect for him , and there is no way to have a loving relationship with someone I have no respect for and feel is an idiot.

however ending a marriage is hard, and I suspect you will stay, and find a way to justify it to yourself. And that’s ok.

This.
He sounds mentally unwell.
There's nothing wrong with having differing opinions, but if he's "too far gone" and obsessed with extremism I'm not sure exactly how you reach them.
Protect yourself and your morals as well.

I agree with this. His belief that the earth is flat is a litmus test for all the rest of it.

I would have zero respect for someone who actually believed this. I would never be able to feel romantic feelings for them, if I had children, I would not be able to trust this person's critical thinking around the DC or around any major life decisions and because there are kids in the mix, it's a massive no from me.

@UnsureDifferences if you wouldn't have married him with these differences and to be fair, his beliefs are extreme and likely to become more so, then get advice, get knowledge and start divorce proceedings because this is no life for you, it will affect the kids and it will escalate.

Imagine you are out with people your respect and he starts up with this utter claptrap. I would die of embarrassment.

At least if you set up home separate from him, when the kids come back from his, spouting this hogwash, you can shut it down immediately. That way they will have one home (with a globe) where sanity reigns. Stay with him and it looks like tacit agreement and you will have a far harder time correcting these delusional thoughts in your DC.

something as minor and undramatic as this

I totally disagree with this, and it's not just like a nice weekly visit to church to sing some hymns and listen to a sermon. It's more like being in a cult and the more you only see/read/listen to the same stuff the more.entrenched you get.

he won't listen to your reasonable opposing views Or have a friendly debate and will get worse without some serious intervention.

and it will eventually affect your. Children because he won't be able to stop himself talking about this stuff in front of them

My DM has fallen into a similar rabbit hole. She will expound nonsense as irrefutable fact, and if I ask her for the source, wil say 'the internet' and look at me as if I am wilfully thick. She lost her (standard organised) religious belief some tears ago, and was flailing round with mysticism and wellness so I think she was primed for some kind of organising influence. Covid was damaging, as well as lack of social input - too much time on the internet.

She isn't stupid, she isn't male, she is not depressed and she was never right-wing although I think she has become a bit MAHA-adjacent. Sometimes she says thinks that I think are emminently sensible. I think that one size doesn't fit all. I wonder how much of this reaching for madness is a way to control anxiety about the world, lack of her control, her place in it...

My dad (a scientist with an analytic mind) puts up with her - he is still deeply in love and emotionally and practically dependent on her. I and DSib roll our eyes, try gentle challenge when we can be bothered and make it clear that we don't agree. But it does affect my relationship with her- I am less keen to see her, especially in settings where alcohol might be involved since this disinhibits too much. I do occasionally say 'i'm just not going to talk about this' and physically leave. I do wonder where the ultimate limits of my tolerance are. I don't have to live with her so this is easier, and most of the time I am able to pretend it isn't an issue.

I try and encourage her social life as I do think the Real World is the best antidote. In a way I wish it was a 'normal' religious belief which would provide structure and community and some boundaries, which this freewheeling crazy collection of 'facts'.

All this to say, I'm sorry OP. It must be really hard to live with. If you think that anxiety/a sense of personal unimportance/mortality/lack of control/loneliness may be underpinning this, can you help with these? Foster real world connections and esteem? Can you put in boundaries to protect yourself 'I hear what you are saying, I don't agree, unless you have overwhelming evidence I will never agree, can we agree not to talk about it?' Just as the drive to conspiracies is not simple and universal, the solutions probably aren't either. My great sympathies.

OP, your point about the comparison with religious views is an interesting one. I’ve got two thoughts about it.

First, belief in a religion is not a question of intelligence or logic: that’s why it’s called "faith". The tenets of the religion can’t be objectively proved to be correct - adherents just have to believe and have faith. But does your DH just have faith, or does he attempt to justify his beliefs, and discount rational argument, with "proof" or "logic"? How? For instance, if the earth is flat how does he explain things gradually disappearing over the horizon at sea? How does the sun appear to move across the sky? Does he really think that every single photograph taken by pilots, including all the amateur ones, showing the curvature of the Earth, has been faked?

Linked to this: I might be able to cope with someone having religious beliefs (ridiculous though I think they are) if they kept them largely to themselves, but if they kept talking about it and trying to persuade or convert me or our children I would find that impossible to live with, because I could not respect the conspiracy theorist.

Conspiracy theorists seem to have a need to consider themselves cleverer than everyone else. It’s an unattractive trait.

The moon is quite obviously not made of cheese but the UK is straining at the seams, so your comparison is false.

@UnsureDifferences Still reading the thread but just want you to know you're not alone <3 my husband is the same, so great in every other way, but when he gets into these topics he gets so heated and seems to take anything other than vehement agreement as some sort of absurdly unfounded personal slight 😓I really do think there's some sort of brainwashing & indoctrination at play and I hope so badly that it's a phase of some sort and that something will happen to give him a jolt...sorry you're going through this, it's such an odd and frustrating position to be in

I agree with this. Sorry OP. In RL the people I know with conspiracy views are completely taken over by them. It becomes their identity and community. It’s like an online cult and mind control. And it doesn’t even make them happy as their views are about us all being under threat and controlled.

There is no room for discussion or real
communication with them as any alternative views or sources of information are part of the conspiracy and so are instantly dismissed.

I will never again form a friendship with someone with conspiracy views and could not be in a relationship with someone with this views.

The conspiracy movement is a really pernicious one.

In 2018, only about 200 people crossed the channel.

The Channel crossings are a relatively recent phenomenon and has replaced people stowing away in lorries. That route has become more secure and is no longer as easy, hence the rise in boat crossings. Not to mention the business models of the gangs which has ramped up numbers exponentially.

Brexit may have made it harder to negotiate returns agreements but the fact that boat crossings are up by 50% in the last year shows that there are many many more complex factors as to why people choose to leave France and come to the UK.

And OP, to avoid derailing your thread further and bring it back to the original question - it sounds to me that a) only you can decide if your husband has extreme views beyond which you are willing to tolerate and b) the thing you said that stood out to me was that he is 'obsesssed'. No matter what the views, obsession is unhealthy.

And some of the people attending think TR and those men are utter pr*cks but they are scared about their safety/their daughters' safety and want to make their voices heard.

I'd have to leave someone with such extreme views.
It would be because if someone has gone down that route of thinking 'being prepared' 'being taken over' I would be concerned what the next thing would be and how far he would go to 'protect me and the kids'.
I wouldn't be able to live with that risk we all know where my concerns going.

We ended up at a friend’s BBQ and met a flat earther. I thought this was just an expression describing someone with alternative or backward views. No she genuinely believed that the earth was flat. She spouted the line “well how do you know, you only believe what the scientists tell you”. Anyway my wife came back with the best put down line ever “I know the earth isn’t flat because I once flew on Concorde and I’ve seen the curvature of the earth, so I suggest you grow up”

I couldn't be with someone who believed in the bible creation story either because it would mean rejecting all scientific facts and evidence relating to evolution.

Ultra religious fanatics like those on the American right and conspiracy theorists seem to have a lot in common. They believe that men are superior to women and that white people are superior to brown people. They believe that scientifically proven facts are actually a hoax. Promoting these views is often a money-making grift, preying on vulnerable and stupid people.

Unfortunately, when people go down these rabbit holes, their new beliefs never make them kinder and more compassionate.

I would just divorce him, it obviously bothers you enough to post on here about it.

Oh and my wife still refuses to talk to any people who voted Brexit. So these rifts can last a long time

Try not to respond or engage with his talk about it? It might be a phase and he will hopefully forget about it?

As a religious Jew just to point out most religious people don’t believe holy texts are the literal truth. This who do are a tiny percent of Jewish communities and certain sects of Christianity. We have faith we aren’t stupid. I have a phd in Primatology which disproves the divine creation angle if I had ever believed.

Anyway on to your husband I would have a a very firm word because he’s going down a dangerous path which usually leads into in cell hating women and far right extremism. The majority of people pushing the conspiracy theories that the royal family are lizards the office is Flat et cetera et cetera don’t actually believe these things. They’re just looking for vulnerable easily manipulated targets to move onto more extreme beliefs. Just the same way that most online scams are absolutely obvious i.e. Nigerian Prince they’re not looking to be sneaky. They’re looking to people for people that will do things without question or thinking for themselves.

He may not talk about these things in front of your children now, but I can guarantee if he continues to go down this path he will talk about them because it will become his whole personality and also how he acts will change so they will inevitably be affected.

And really do you actually want to be married and have your children around a man that’s willing to go on a protest against some of the most vulnerable people in society?

this! why is there is a need to proselytise?! I don’t care if you think the government are alien snakes, why does it need to dominate the conversation. Why do you need an audience, I’d be the same about someone who banged on about religion.

its the inability to be normal or have nice friendly chats, or watch a film or go for a walk without the ranting and raving. Basically living with a permanent street preacher. Yuck

Seeing as so many of these conspiracy theories are just antisemitic tropes and the up in the great replacement theory I'd be wary of being with someone with those views

It would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid and I couldn’t stay married to him. I think there are some things you can tolerate while feeling uncomfortable as long as you have some boundaries (e.g. I’m veggie and don’t believe in eating animals but my partner eats meat) But these sound like they are pretty extreme and are going to get worse

Frankly yes, much worse. I'm an atheist RS teacher. The whole point of faith is that it is a "leap" and CANNOT be categorically, scientifically proven to be true..I'm talking about the existence of God here, not whether holy books are infallible facts. Flat earth, vaccines, climate change, Illuminati etc can all be examined in scientific, methodical ways and only through blind and willful ignorance will you continue. There's nothing to respect there. Whilst fundamentally disagreeing with the whole premise of a conscious, loving God, I have enormous respect for the people of faith I work with and have encountered over the years who take a very intelligent and nuanced view of faith, religion, holy books etc.

Surely it's a matter of time before he starts trying to indoctrinate them? I couldn't put up with that.