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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has got extreme views

332 replies

UnsureDifferences · 24/08/2025 01:29

Name change on this to protect myself and family.
So my DH has over the past few years got more and more what I would call extreme views. He is into conspiracy theories, it started off by watching a few videos and being curious and now he full thinks that the illuminati are out to enslave us and talks about the earth being flat, which he is not sure about but goes on about it.
He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared.
I am an easy going educated person who leans slightly left and believes in science.
This is really getting me down as I am not sure I can be with him anymore if this is who he is now.
Aibu to leave him for having these different views. Or is it managable to continue on.
One part of me thinks it is similar to two people of different faiths being married, is this possible? Has anyone had a good relationship with someone with opposite political or religious views to them?
Any ideas as to what to do here.
Everything else is fine in our relationship

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 24/08/2025 05:55

The comparison with religion is a bit of a strawman - in the main, one’s religious run parallel to their behaviors and often don’t affect others. When they do (such as anti abortion fundamentalists) we (mostly) hope and expect there is a separation of the two and rely on laws. Belief in conspiracy theories has different consequences and actions…. Eg Vaccines are about mind control, so no vaccines, leads to the spread / return of disease..

Additionally, I would refuse to be lectured at, especially as there’s no chance of a reasonable debate. You suggest your kids are shielded - if they weren’t would you still be ok? Where do you draw the line? Andrew Tate for breakfast; flat earthers dor lunch and a bit of Tommy for tea?

Mrseasy · 24/08/2025 06:01

How is his mental health? Could he be suffering from some form of paranoia?

ThriveAT · 24/08/2025 06:03

You can have different faiths but similar values. This is different. You and your husband have different values.

Rasell · 24/08/2025 06:18

I think the difference is that despite all the awful things that have happened throughout time in the name of religion, for the most part religious people have a set of beliefs and rules they live by that are based on hope (miracles, after life, etc) whereas conspiracy theorists beliefs are based on negativity and being lied to, with the arrogance of feeling superior to the 'sheep' masses. Irrespective of what beliefs someone holds, if they're overbearing and intense, it will be very hard to live with or accept as a new way of life. It sounds like he needs some help and has been through a difficult time. I think I'd give him the grace of trying to encourage him to get some counselling to work through his issues but if he carries on I couldn't bear it...and I'd worry about the effect on dc. Good luck.

AbbyEidyn · 24/08/2025 06:22

"You have a closed mind" or "You are not open minded" is a standard response if you point out gaps in their stories or beliefs.

I get this from my Partner. He's turned ultra-religious in past 3 years and gets extremely defensive if I say anything that might disturb his world view. Then get accused of not having an open mind if I don't go along with him to an event or service.

Religious music is the only type he listens to, reads only those books, and spend hours consuming social media on that. Having a thought has now become "the spirit spoke to me", and he's turned anti LGBT and consumes videos from one Southern US preacher after another.

I subscribe to Hitchens's "What's presented without evidence can be dismissed without evidence" mantra.

It's getting harder and harder to stay on.

LillyPJ · 24/08/2025 06:30

I couldn't even be friends with someone with such ridiculous ideas, let alone live with them. It shows a lack of critical thinking and rationality.

lazymermaid · 24/08/2025 06:32

Any history of poor mental health? In his family? Thought I’d share this which I screenshotted the other day. I know this is in relation to Bipolar but the mood scale is same for other conditions too?

Husband has got extreme views
JaneEyre40 · 24/08/2025 06:40

Alicealig · 24/08/2025 03:42

Maybe he's right. Why would you want him to change what he thinks because you believe different? You are being unreasonable to leave over something as minor and undramatic as this. Personally I believe the recent migrant situation is an absolute crisis for the country. Most of us recognise that. It's not an extreme view to believe in putting your citizens first and protecting our borders. Maybe you could listen to his taking points and understand where he's coming from. Although if he does actually think the earth is flat there doesn't seem to be much credible evidence for that one unfortunately.

Often people are labelled as conspiracy theorists to make them sound unbelievable when inafact many may actually be into something.

Show quote history

Yes, Britain certainly can take over huge swathes of the world but they better not think about coming here in the future!!

Ponoka7 · 24/08/2025 06:42

It's the immigration one that I'd have to have an issue with. I'm from immigrant background and have lots of immigrant friends. In fact it's a factor in my DD still being single, it's really difficult to find men who are critically thinking about a lot of political issues. It may be relatively harmless now, but would stop your adult children visiting. He needs to narrow down what he's objecting to and really question if his views match those of the people he wants to join on a march.

JaneEyre40 · 24/08/2025 06:42

BunnyRuddington · 24/08/2025 05:37

It is different to political views. Me and my BFriend vote for different political parties but more or less have similar views and respect one another’s position.

Most people who are religious seem to just want to lead a quiet life helping others and more or less following rules like the 10 commandments in Christianity. So a non-religious person may not agree that say God exists but can respect the fact that the person wants to live a life helping others and following say Jesus’ example.

What you’re dealing here though isn’t normal differences of opinion, what’s going on here is fundamentalism and, as others have stated, it’s usually a sign of mental illness.

You should be wary of fundamentalists in any walk of life, whether it’s political, religious or the new conspiracy theorists.

Believing that the Earth is flat woukd be enough for me to end things. He’s nowhere near as cleaver as he thinks he is and I honestly couldn’t have any respect for him.

Most religious people help others?! Seriously?

Glitchymn1 · 24/08/2025 06:43

Only if it’s all he talked about or started in front of the children. We don’t talk about religion or politics in any depth.

BunnyRuddington · 24/08/2025 06:43

JaneEyre40 · 24/08/2025 06:42

Most religious people help others?! Seriously?

Show quote history

Well the ones I know do to some extent yes.

AmbroseM · 24/08/2025 06:44

Being left leaning or right leaning is one thing but having a completely different values system on fundamental topics crosses the line. If someone is out and out racist vs having a holding a coherent rationale for controlled immigration for example.

CoolNoMore · 24/08/2025 06:46

I always suspect that belief in conspiracy theories is grounded in two desperate needs to believe that:

  1. someone, somewhere is in control (even if it is The Bad Guys) and the world isn't just a chaotic mess where anyone could die at any point. If we stop The Bad Guys everything will be ok

  2. I know something you don't know and it makes me feel in control

My MIL had a close friend descend into conspiracy theories during covid, and she would gently ask 'why do you need this?'

InterestedDad37 · 24/08/2025 06:47

UnsureDifferences · 24/08/2025 01:34

Yes, but he gets very frustrated and tells me he can respect that I have an opinion but I am wrong and he is right. He will not change what he thinks whatever I say. So we cant debate the topics as he feels that I am 'brainwashed' and I think he is ridiculous.

Show quote history

I simply couldn't be doing with someone who holds such ridiculous views as your husband seems to be developing. If I come across them irl as occasionally happens, I try to have nothing further to do with them. On sm I occasionally get involved in debunking their views, (but not obsessively 😀)
Absolutely could not live with someone holding idiotic views.
And as is the way of these things, his views will gradually get more extreme.
LTB 👍
Oh yeah, and any form of racism is enough to end a friendship. 👍

clotheslinefiasco · 24/08/2025 06:49

Often people are labelled as conspiracy theorists to make them sound unbelievable when inafact many may actually be into something.

He's on something all right re the flat earth part. Even if it was 500 years ago. And the rest of the human race has moved on and gained knowledge.

Also re vaccinations - not sure how many people would relish the idea of polio and typhoid becoming common illnesses again. But hey - what do decades of scientific research mean when Joe Bloggs has watched a few videos on You Tube that have 'informed him' properly?

The reason people are labelled as conspiracy theorists is because that's what they are - it is not complicated.

TeenagersAngst · 24/08/2025 06:49

IwasatClaines · 24/08/2025 04:11

The people that voted for Brexit likely caused the small boats crisis. Before Brexit there was an agreement in place to return those migrants to the first European country they entered but of course all those agreements were torn up on departure. That’s why so many small boat migrants are attracted to the UK because they know this

There’s no conspiracy about that. It’s the unintended consequence of what people voted for. Labour recently made an agreement with France to return one in one out to try and plug the flood but effectively it goes back to Brexit. Reap what you sow and all of that.

Show quote history

God knows why we need to bring immigration into a thread that has nothing to do with it but your analogy isn’t even accurate. The whole of Europe has an immigration crisis not just the UK.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cvgp5rexnk2o.amp

shrunkenhead · 24/08/2025 06:53

I fear Covid didn't help matters. People with underlying mental health conditions really lost the plot. Maybe it was too much time online, I don't know, but a few friends who were pretty reasonable (including my Mum, who has started reading the Daily Fail) have gone this way....
I think we're living in v dangerous times and some people are being easily brainwashed.

Financialthymes · 24/08/2025 06:53

Sorry OP, this must be really hard and I don’t think I could stay with my DH if he started to believe in such things. Re the Earth being flat - maybe ask him where all the hotels are that advertise themselves as being ‘the hotel at the end of the earth’ because for sure there would be tonnes if the earth was flat - someone would be marketing and monetising the hell out of it. That night give him something to think about.

Sharptonguedwoman · 24/08/2025 06:55

Alicealig · 24/08/2025 03:42

Maybe he's right. Why would you want him to change what he thinks because you believe different? You are being unreasonable to leave over something as minor and undramatic as this. Personally I believe the recent migrant situation is an absolute crisis for the country. Most of us recognise that. It's not an extreme view to believe in putting your citizens first and protecting our borders. Maybe you could listen to his taking points and understand where he's coming from. Although if he does actually think the earth is flat there doesn't seem to be much credible evidence for that one unfortunately.

Often people are labelled as conspiracy theorists to make them sound unbelievable when inafact many may actually be into something.

Show quote history

Really? Faked moon landings, flat earth? To what end would anyone try and make people believe this rubbish though?

Boomer55 · 24/08/2025 06:55

cordeliavorkosigan · 24/08/2025 05:29

I think one way that the analogy to a religious person doesn't work is that most religious people don't vehemently insist that the more mystical parts of their theology are literally true and ongoing right now, or that you must believe them in all as well. They're in there, like a vague belief in angels or heaven, but you aren't asked to affirm on a daily basis that planes fly directly through heaven in the clouds or that angels made your coffee taste so good or that your neighbour is going to literal hell or whatever.
So if you can't live with it, and most of us couldn't, I think that's not because of the fact that it's a different belief, but the way he arrives at these beliefs and the level of direct engagement you're being asked for.

Some religious people do. Of all religions. They try to force it on others.

I guess it’s just that people can believe what they like, but don’t force it on others.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 24/08/2025 07:00

UnsureDifferences · 24/08/2025 01:42

Possibly, it all started after he had a major health incident and a death of a close family member in the same year.

Show quote history

Sounds like he’s not very well.

people’s reasoning and beliefs are very rarely based on logical well thought out t out things. It’s mostly emotional. Him. You. Me.

these conspiracy’s have come to mean something in his life for a reason. The incidents you mention sound clearly related

you can persuade him out of the doom circle he is in if you love who he used to be and want him back https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Minds-Change-People-Without/dp/1786071649
quite possible to do at home.

id also look at cult reprogramming books. There are many on Amazon try it.

hes stuck in a mental culdesca. He can’t get out on his own. You may be able to help. If you want to help.

Violet1964 · 24/08/2025 07:02

I think it depends on whether it is effecting your life and relationship together? A lot of couples have differences, like different music, like different hobbies. Can you just tell him, that you accept he has different beliefs, but you don't want to hear about them. If he needs to debate and dicuss these sort of things, then he find a group of friends or community he can chat with that stuff about? But just say it's something you'll have to agree to disagree on?

BanditTheCat · 24/08/2025 07:05

Some interesting posts here and OP I feel sorry for you that your partner has become entrenched in conspiracy theories. A while ago I was talking about such things with a highly educated and savvy friend of mine, both of us are left-leaning, and I said what if we’re the ones who are wrong? What if you and I are incorrect and all these people were calling ‘conspiracy theorists’ are actually right? And she said she might consider that, were it not for the scientific proof that governs everything we know and have ever known.

Social media, podcast bros and the like are responsible for much of the conspiracy theories and constant division within our society now. I saw a video of a bot farm the other day, hundreds and hundreds of mobile phones connected to social media apps, automatically writing out posts and comments, all done by AI. Our parents being hoodwinked on Facebook with fake posts about vaccinations, and believing they know more about medicine and scientific research because they’ve read a FB post over a medical professional who’s spent their lifetime working in clinical trials and actual research. It’s terrifying, tbh.

OP, if he can’t recognise his views are bordering on extreme and fly in the face of actual scientific proof, I’m not sure I’d be able to stay in the relationship.

Serpentstooth · 24/08/2025 07:07

A friend's husband has developed these views and beliefs which include worshiping Donald Trump and intense misogyny. He's married ro a woman, father to two adult daughters and still continues to attend church in which he holds an influential role. His family, they all still live in the same house, say they barely recognise him. It appears to be mostly men who fall for this bag of magic beans. I find it bewildering and scary and couldn't live alongside anyone who has been poisoned with the sewage flowing off the Internet.