Husband has got extreme views

[UnsureDifferences]

Name change on this to protect myself and family.
So my DH has over the past few years got more and more what I would call extreme views. He is into conspiracy theories, it started off by watching a few videos and being curious and now he full thinks that the illuminati are out to enslave us and talks about the earth being flat, which he is not sure about but goes on about it.
He is also fearful of immigration and is saying he will go on the marches and that we are being take over and that we need to be prepared.
I am an easy going educated person who leans slightly left and believes in science.
This is really getting me down as I am not sure I can be with him anymore if this is who he is now.
Aibu to leave him for having these different views. Or is it managable to continue on.
One part of me thinks it is similar to two people of different faiths being married, is this possible? Has anyone had a good relationship with someone with opposite political or religious views to them?
Any ideas as to what to do here.
Everything else is fine in our relationship

Would the bible creation story be acceptable to you if taken literally? That the earth is about 6000 years old, that dinosaurs, the ancient civilisations etc. are all a hoax? That all human life started with two people and their children? Somehow I don’t think so and I think the vast majority of believers accept that the creation story is an allegory.

Also, it’s different and possible to be with someone who is nominally religious or doesn’t practice their religion in every aspect. It would be almost impossible to have a partner whose life is completely enmeshed in a religion you don’t share (and ‘preaching’ and trying to convince others falls under this category). However, that rarely happens because most religions don’t encourage relationships with nonbelievers, so a ‘true believer’ wouldn’t pursue one.

I think him believing in widely held conspiracy theories could be viewed as mildly amusing.

Though thinking the earth is flat is very strange and I’m not sure I could really value the thoughts of someone who thought that 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sorry op.

Op, if you expect DH to respect your views, you need to respect his right to have differing ones.

Plenty of educated people believe that our country can not sustain, long term, such high levels of immigration.
Plenty of citizens agree that the marches are necessary to show their distain for government threatening their current access to space, clean air, home grown food, protected natural habitats, historical parklands and environments.

We have finite resourses. That is a true fact.
Your husband obviously enjoys his lifestyle; that is not a mental illness.
If you can't be married to a man with middle of the road views, you might need to look for a left wing partner.

Any kind of racism, and I include anti-immigration (especially going on marches to intimidate and harass refugees) would be an absolute deal breaker for me, and I don't think it's ethical to expose your DC to that.

What are his views on women and feminism OP? A huge proportion of men at the marches have convictions for DV.

DH's sister left her husband during Covid for the flat-earth, antivax stuff. And rightly. These men must not be humored.

It's not the same as non-fundamentalist religious views, which are generally private, don't demonise others and provide a moral framework for how one lives one's life.

Because the OP’s husband who is a conspiracy theorist had a beef about immigration as well. Usually such people believe it came about because of “woke” ideology. My point is that the current UK refugee crisis is quite easily and rationally explained.

In regard to your point, mainland Europe was already struggling with a surge of refugees particularly from Syria before Brexit. Back then while it was in the EU, the UK had the advantage of not being the first country that such refugees entered into Europe and therefore they could be returned. In 2018, only about 200 people crossed the channel.

But now with Brexit in force and the ability to return refugees to mainland Europe no longer applicable the UK is having to entertain refugees just like everyone else. In Turkey they have over 3 million refugees for example from a variety of countries such as Ukraine, Syria and Iran and this is due to sharing borders with those countries.

The Channel is not that wide and is easily crossed border geographically speaking especially with modern tech tools and people smugglers who can make money out of it.

The more you try to reason with them, the worse it becomes. This is especially true for people seeking understanding in a world that changed dramatically during the COVID pandemic. Often, they support extreme right-winged parties like Reform and Trump.

I couldn't stay with him if those beliefs began to affect other areas of his life, such as becoming more morose, racist, or bigoted.

Does he have any history of mental health conditions? If this is a new side to him I'd be wanting psychosis ruled out. It often starts gradually and then ramps up and I've known people living with psychosis for decades without any outward signs until it becomes unmanageable - usually manifesting outwardly as paranoia and conspiracies.

I'd have been out the door a long time ago! Couldn't be doing with all that religious baloney 👍

How many people believed that humans could change sex (sometimes several times a day) a few short years ago? And would viciously attack and ostracised anyone who dared utter anything to the contrary?

Flat earth seems more plausible in comparison!

Most of the people I know who prescribe a religion are both pragmatic about some of the literal truth of bible stories etc, and accept that others have views and beliefs different to them.

the anti immigration stuff would be a deal breaker for me; I agree that immigration and the system / process is an issue which needs thorough overhaul but I’ve seen some of these marches up close and the majority of attendees are scumbags, aggressive men who think Tommy Robinson is a god.

Terrible news - Trump and Reform are not actually that right wing, and given their popular support, are starting to appear positively centrist.

Ask DH outright if he believes that the World is flat.
Ask him outright if he likes his multicultural friends
Ask him outright if all Brits deserve the same rights.

Surely he doesn't believe some of the refutable banter that extreme right groups espouse.
He possibly needs to find the words to describe his own actual beliefs. Discussion with you can only help.

I agree, if DH does believe in flat Earths and conspiracies he could have mental health issues.

In answer to this part specifically, I think it’s down to how he goes about expressing his beliefs to you. If he was religious and believed the Bible creation story, then that’s one thing. If he spent all day every day obsessing about it and laughing scornfully at how stupid you are because you don’t understand the truth that is revealed in the Bible creation story, then I think you’d get pretty fed up pretty fast.

If he wants you to respect his views, he needs to respect yours, but from what you say he just wants to shut you down when he insists on wittering on about his superior knowledge.

I have no advice I’m afraid, but maybe that’s some perspective on the comparison to religion?

This is a sensible view. Whilst 99% is nonsense, its also wise to be skeptical of 'official' information.

Religion is very complex because it gives people a purpose and generally speaking is about loving the neighbour etc. I don’t think I could be married to someone who was super religious because our views would just be too different. An example would be someone that knocks on people’s doors to preach etc.

Your DH is on a dangerous path, I’d be very frank with him. “You are turning into a conspiracy theorist and I can’t cope. You tell me I’m brainwashed. I’d like you to do some counselling for 6 months, if your views remain after speaking to a professional then fine but at least I’ve tried”

If he didn’t snap out of it, it would be a break up for me :( but bear in mind a break up may trigger him even more so be careful to document all this in terms of court access etc. he might not hide it from the kids forever.

I know someone who's husband is into conspiracy theories.
He's as boring as fuck. People avoid them as a couple because he insists on shoving his opinion down their throats.
He's becoming bombastic and arrogant and a real ahole

I think the belief matters as some just make you doubt their intelligence and sanity. My friend told me about her new boyfriend and how he was sharing posts about how everyone who had the Covid vaccine is now dead. I immediately thought this guy is an idiot as you don’t need many brain cells to work out that can’t be true.

The actions from a belief are important too. If he was going to volunteer in a homeless shelter because he’d become a Christian that’s more admirable than the actions that’d come from thinking civil war is coming or some other belief that’d cause anxiety and negative behaviour.

Would you be comfortable dating a religious person who wanted to go on marches related to their beliefs and accused you of being ‘brainwashed’ for not believing, rather than having a reasonable discussion?

Having different views to your partner in a relationship isn’t necessarilly an issue, but having a partner who believes they’re right and you’re wrong and isn’t open to any discussion/ debate around views. I have had a relationship and many friendships with religious people but in all cases they were up for a discussion, happy to talk about questions I raised about their faith, raised their own respectful questions about being atheist and were happy to accept my views without labelling them ‘wrong.’

I think the issue here is not that your DH has different views to you but that he is displaying black and white thinking and is unable to consider that his views might not be right. I think anybody who starts to believe things without proof 100% and won’t be open minded in discussions is problematic, regardless of what the belief is. I’d also worry it’s only going to get worse as he gets older and falls deeper down the rabbit hole.

Hi OP this has happened to my sibling so not quite the same as my DH but I can relate. Very similar story here. Started with conspiracy theories, moved into anti-vax/covid is a hoax ground and now has moved into pro-Trump, anti-Muslim, anti-anyone not white ground. Absolutely terrifying. Sibling recently ended up having an unprovoked screaming rant about hating Muslim people at my parent’s house (my parent is very liberal, open minded and has lived all over the world and absolutely does not share these views). Parent asked sibling to leave as they were acting in an unpredictable and aggressive way. That was a few months ago and they have not spoken. Similar incidents happened in the lead up to this event eg calling up my parent, parent maybe saying ‘oh let me just switch off the news so we can chat’ and then sibling ranting and raving about how they were probably watching pro-Biden news and how they’re stupid etc etc. My parent is also immunosuppressed so gets an annual flu jab. Sibling became abusive towards them about this too.

Sorry for this long post. Not sure what my exact point is other than unfortunately your DH will get more extreme and could possibly turn on you for not sharing his views. I’m not sure how I could have a relationship with someone like this. Is he unhappy with his lot? That’s usually the type of person that falls prey to this stuff. I’m really sorry OP this will be a difficult thing to navigate and I wish you all the luck.

I have many friends who believe in different gods or have different spiritual views to me. None of them call me brainwashed or ridiculous or believe in conspiracy theories, there are completely different things

I couldn't put up with that bullshit!

I'm not sure your analogy of two different religions works either. Because I actually think the equivalent would be an atheist and a devout, religious believer. And you sound like me - atheist and absolutely wouldn't date someone deeply religious. However, I think two faiths could get along - they both believe in God, just in different ways

Dh's adult son is like this. Luckily he lives far far away and we never see him, and probably never will again.

Have you said that to him? Why does it matter if it’s fake or not ? Who cares ?

how does it make a difference in his day to day life? Has he not seen the curve of the horizon when he flies?

if the world is flat I assume he thinks there is no solar system ? Is the sun flat too? Or the moon and sun are globes that what? Orbit a flat surface?

This is what I was going to say. This isn’t just about beliefs it’s more about values, your values are very different. That would be a dealbreaker for me.