MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

Yep. My mother has a horrid 'friend' who loves winding her (and me) up talking about the 'P**i Shop' despite knowing how we feel about it.

Ex nurse here - I still keep my eye on the NMC hearings, the number of nurses struck off for overt blatant racism is disappointing. That's before I get to what I have heard myself over the years.

Some nurses really suck, and usually seem to get away with it.

My parents are early 60s and my grandparents mid 80s. Whenever my mum and her siblings came home and my grandma was out and they asked where she was my grandad would say she's run away with a black man. He was very angry when he found out my aunt who was 21 had black friends at university and when he discovered some of them were boys asked "You've not kissed any of them have you?"

They don't say much like that nowadays but I would be amazed if their underlying attitude had changed much at all.

Jesus Christ….

Jesus Christ….

Sigh….

I think this is the crux of it. I ended things with a guy I had been on a few dates with because everytime I was telling him a story about something he wanted to know the race of the person. It was so weird.

They definitely mean to be offensive.

You urgently need to get the full support of your wife - explain your concerns in detail, and say that you cannot continue to expose your child to this language within her family/safe space.
She will hear racist stuff as she makes her way through life, but you don’t want that starting and being tacitly supported at home/within family.

I am.in my 50s, would never have considered using that word. Nor would my mother, in her 80s.

How appalling. Just tell her that it's racist and ridiculously rude to call black people that. To be honest if someone openly uses language like that in front of children then I'd be not allowing any contact. Other than maybe birthday/Xmas cards. But even then she'd probably send you one with a picture of a gollywog on it.

Can't help that that was the case back then 😊

What's the sigh for? Surely those of us who were brought up in very different times, hearing different words, and who have recognised and adapted to change don't deserve being sighed at. It's those who've refused to adapt who you should be sighing at.

A lot of people think using the word black may make them be viewed as racist though. The term has been used for many years and people just copy unwittingly.

It’s weird how black people brought up in that time never “struggle” with a change in language that has been around for decades.

It’s 2025.

They definitely mean to be racist. Nobody in 2025 thinks “black” is an offensive word unless they completely ignorant of the world in which they live.

People like this who are “so unsure” never refer to black that way to their faces or at work.

But if it’s super important to you to defend racists don’t let me get in your way.

God you’ve got to say something. My DS was 4 or 5 at school and an African choir came to do an event for the kids which went down really really well, my son was being vocal because he really enjoyed it and called the choir ‘the brown people’ - completely off his own bat because we wouldn’t ever say that and neither would anyone we know, he is ASD so perhaps just him saying what he saw etc … anyway the teacher said he was being racist and it did upset him bless him. He didn’t do it again though

Yes. And I use the term "black". I just meant it makes me feel a little uncomfortable because it was considered derogatory back in the dark ages. are you black? If so I apologise for any offence caused. If however you are white, why do you presume to know how black people think or feel? The black people I work with can't understand why we get so offended on their behalf. Quite condescending of us really. However I realise that doesn't apply to everyone.

That would be enough for me to ban her from the house, racism apart.

No they don't. There are a lot of people who don't keep up with the news or are in a training environment where you learn what is acceptable and can keep up with the term changes. It's like these non binary people who complain about people not using the correct terms for them. They don't mean to offend, just are used to hearing others using certain terms which have been used for many years without an issue.

You don’t have to leave your child with a racist. I wouldn’t.

Does she actually say racist things or just use an out of date term?

Of Course it’s racism.

Why else would someone in their 50s use this word?

And why would she, from a white family, be constantly bringing up black people in conversation?

Personally I would keep my child away from her.

Exactly my thought. Late 50’s? I don’t know anyone that uses/used that term at that age (maybe because I don’t know racists).

If the oerson was 95 and had been on a deserted island for thr last 40 years then maybe.

It’s like swearing in front of young kids. I do T do it but swear to other grownups. She is choosing f to use this word knowing it’s wrong.

If she is willing to say this out loud what is she thinking about black people. Put your foot down.