MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

I grew up with extremely racist grandparents they used far worse words and if it wasn’t a racist slur it was a Fuck Cunt, Bastard and more that just dripped from their nasty tongues 24/7. It was far right nasty and not just words.

My home life corrected that, I didn’t grow up racist, some of my cousins on that side didn’t either because they had other influences in their lives. I never ever swore at home as I was taught it wasn’t allowed, I’m sure at some point I probably repeated my grandparents words but I don’t remember. I also have my other family that are multiracial so I had a lot of good influence to balance the racist side out.

Trying to correct MIL language is a minefield I wouldn’t get into it unless you want conflict. It dosnt sound like she’s being nasty or violent, just ignorance ( not ok’ing it). The only time my parents challenged and didn’t just roll their eyes at my grandparents and also some aunts/uncles was after an incident when I chanted a very very very racist song to my little Asian friends. My other parent from the other side kicked off. They didn’t teach me any more songs but stayed as they were. My parents just taught me to ignore them and eventually went very low contact.

As long as your being positive and not reacting to MIL your DD will be fine.

Yes, it's appalling that she's a nurse. I can't help wondering how she treats patients who aren't white.

I would not want my child to be around her alone, and probably not without you there if you don't trust your wife to stand up to her mum. I would also be explaining to DD about kind and unkind language so if she has already picked up on it she knows it's wrong.

She knows, she doesn't care, she's more concerned with you "policing" her choice of words than how unacceptable they actually are. Because she knows they're unacceptable and she's choosing them anyway.

You and dh need to raise this with her, together, as a united front. Sit her down and say very clearly that your dd is now of an age where she'll repeat things she hears and is learning what's appropriate and respectful from the people around her. Therefore, you can no longer tolerate mil using racist, derogatory or offensive language around her going forward and if she continues to do it then her contact with dd will be reduced effective immediately. If she tries to get into a "oh but I didn't mean it badly" redirection shut it down immediately and state clearly that her intention is irrelevant, you've both made her aware her language is unacceptable so at this point she's making a choice. So now she can choose to do things differently and you can all move forward or she can continue and she will have less of a relationship with your dd as a result. It's up to her what she does next. But you and your dh need to be in agreement, prepared to follow through and united in this.

Also I wouldn't have dd around her without either of you there, she seems exactly the type to use that language when you're not around plus the language and the behaviour is coming from a deeper rooted attitude which will show itself in lots of other ways. You don't want your child exposed to that without being there to be able to firstly call it out and secondly debrief your child.

You can't remove her exposure to racism completely unfortunately but you can minimise it where possible and you need to be prepared to do proactive work with her in the background as well. Think about the books you're reading with her, the toys she plays with etc.

I was on a train with my mum and grandma. I was 6. We stopped at a station and my grandma said to my mum "there are some coloured people on the platform." I looked out the window because I imagined these people to be candy striped or something. Why would you even say that? This was 1996.

I once had a parent introduce themselves in a shop queue and loudly apologise for their child calling mine the N word at school .
She said the Dad was furious because he'd repeatedly told their kids,that whilst they may hear it at home ,they were not to use that word outside the house .W.T.A.F

I agree that this term is awful and you’re right to say something. However, I must pull you up for your casual ageist attitude. Assuming someone is racist, based on their age isn’t on.

Ask her if she would be happy to call a black person ‘D’ to their face?

I would absolutely not have anyone using any discriminatory language around my child.

If she uses this word no doubt she uses others when you’re not around. I think you need to set a clear boundary OP.

It's racist, and it seems as if she can hide it if it disadvantages her at work.

I hope your partner agrees to cut her out of your DDs life. If not, how seriously does your partner take racism?

I've had this with my elderly mum too. she also thought It was the right thing to say as she said when she grew up referring to someone as black was disrespectful and was taught it was much more polite to say coloured.
Elderly people can be forgiven for that reason.
But op your mother in law is completely out of order i definitely would not want my dc around her.

Of course it's racist. She knows it is and is fine with it otherwise she would be mortified to find out she was using a racist term. Why does she feel the need to regularly describe people's race, let alone using that language? Awful.

I’m American, and I was born in the early 80s, so we used the R-word when we were kids to mean something was lame or stupid, and in the early 90s we would also say “That’s gay” - again meaning something was lame or stupid, such as “Your mom grounded you? That’s gay.” Then my best friend came out to me in the mid-90s and I realized that, even though all my friends (including said best friend!) were using the word “gay” to mean “lame” (and not directly as an insult to homosexual people) it didn’t make it okay to use the word as a negative word in the way we used it. I stopped using the R-word entirely and stopped using “gay” as anything other than its literal meaning. It is so easy to “stop” using racist/slur terms. You just have to want to do so, and you have to care about other people and how they feel.

OP, your MIL clearly does not care about how the “other person” feels when she uses a slur/racist term. At its base level, it doesn’t matter if SHE doesn’t think it’s racist. Her “intent” (so to speak) doesn’t matter. What matters is how the other person takes it (if they hear her saying it.) And if your DD spends more time around her, your DD will simply assume the D-word is “acceptable”/normal to use on people of color, and will start using it herself.

I saw the exact thing happen in my own family. My mom is 80 years old, and she STILL insists on using slurs/no-longer-acceptable terms - in public she calls black people “colored people” and calls Asians “Orientals”. She’s completely aware that these terms are no longer “okay”, as I’ve (gently) told her so, repeatedly, and explained WHY we don’t use xyz term any more. She always then asks, “Well, what DO I call them, then?!” (In an angry voice.) I’ve told her the currently-acceptable racial/ethnic terms AND have also told her “just don’t refer to their race/skin color at all…?”

She taught my older sister (age 49) the same horrid behavior and to use the same words - and worse at home: if they’re at home, they refer to black people as the N-word and call all Asians “ch!nks” regardless of the Asian person’s actual ethnicity. (Extra hilarious is that my boyfriend is Chinese. Yes, they’ve called him a “ch!nk” to his face. He’s unfazed by it because he already knows they’re terrible people.)

I’m adopted (my sister is not) and I am definitely not the favored child, so I luckily knew from a very young age that I did not want to be anything like my mother. My sister (the golden biological child) thought my mother walked on water and wanted to be just like her.

At two and a half, I’m not sure your DD is old enough to really understand the full impact of “we do not use this word because it is a mean/bad word” just yet. I’d personally limit her time with MIL unless you are also with them (and can nip it in the bud - if MIL uses the D-word, you can immediately say “oh, no, that’s a mean word!” - DD is old enough to understand that much and is likely to believe it from you, her parent.

Your MIL has zero excuses. She’s only 7 years older than I am (I’m 43) and I’ve never called a black person a D-word.

Depending on where your MIL lives, I have the same warning I tell my mom and sister: by using these kind of words on a regular basis, one of these days you’re going to say them in front of the “wrong” person and pay the price…

When I was growing up in the 70s "coloured" was the correct term to use. "Black" was considered rude! Even now I struggle with calling someone black!

I'm a nurse. There is no such mandatory training in my trust - I've just updated all my mandatory training in the last couple of months and there was nothing on diversity and inclusion (which is pretty shocking).

We do have to sign a statement of good character though and her racism makes this statement a lie.

How often is it even relevant to specify anyone's colour during conversation? The fact that she feels the need to mention it frequently enough that it's an issue is concerning enough, and the language she's using is just horrible.
You are not at all unreasonable to take steps to stop this before DD picks up on it.

You need to keep your daughter away from her.

Nobody would ever use that word these days unless they were a dyed-in-the-wool racist.

If she is a nurse who still has a job, I assume that she doesn't use that language at work. If she can control herself at work, she can control herself in front of you and your daughter. She is doing it on purpose.

The woman is racist based on what she actually said. It's not ageism. In fact she's got no excuse.

I’m wondering how she is managing/having to get that word into the conversation so often- do you think she’s doing it deliberately to wind you up?

I’m as shocked at this as at the use of the d word. My understanding is that equality diversity and inclusion training is mandatory in the NHS.

Yes I agree what the woman said was racist, it would be impossible to disagree.

It’s this line in the first post that is ageist.

“She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.”

Casually labelling older people as racist is equally unacceptable.

Mine say stuff like this just to get a rise out of me/daughters

It's a very common term in my area, age range of 30-80s, most don't mean to be offensive, just lazy language.

I'm late 30s and unfortunately I was brought up with that word

I just remembered that the word in question appeared in a Monty Python sketch, being uttered by a very stupid contestant on a game show. I looked it up and that sketch dates back to 1969. The contestant was called Mrs Scum.