To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

I stopped being the go to hang out house for my teenager as she only gets invited to one other friends house. It got a bit much in the end.

We are that house as well. I don’t have advice.

I’ve had more than a dozen children over the last few years for an extended playdate / lunch / dinner / small party, and only had invitations back from a handful of people (always the same ones). However we get lots of “oh we must have your DC over next time, I’ll text you some dates!”.

I rarely have children over for play dates as I work full time, also do voluntary work and am studying. DD’s best friend’s parents know this. The mum works 3 days a week 9-3pm and the dad owns property so aside from managing that he doesn’t work. They invite DD over and understand that it’s hard for us to reciprocate.

I get it, its annoying.
Still think its good for my kids to have other kids over.
Also I'm aware I know nothing about their home situations and so shouldn't assume its personal.

It's annoying, but important for kids to have playdates so I keep asking. It's your kids who miss out otherwise unfortunately. Apart from the tidying, I don't mind.

I used to expect life to be receprical and people to give back. However alot of people just don't.

It never bothered me. But then I never called them having mates round 'playdates'

Doesn’t bother me, as long as the kids are pleasant and have a good time.

I won't stop asking. I wouldn't want my kids to miss out. It's just annoying.

And from what I hear DD's friends saying, these parents do it to multiple people, they go to a lot of friends houses but rarely have anyone over.

Surely that won't last long as I doubt everyone will carry on doing it like I will.

I think it’s unfair of you to present is as you’re doing these people a favour and then expecting a favour in return. If we invite kids over it doesn’t cross my mind that I’m doing their parents a favour, I’m just inviting them as dc want to spend time with their mates. We have had kids over for a sleepover this week and it hasn’t occurred to me that their parents now ‘owe’ me a sleepover in return.

You don't necessarily know everything about someone's home situation - we do occasionally do playdates but absolutely no sleepovers at all. Im on medication that's very sedating and i don't feel comfortable being in charge of a child that isn't mine for that reason.

Playdates we don't do often because I only have 1 weekend a month where Im not either working or on call - and with the job I do I wouldn't want another child overhearing anything as I work in the MH space.

Some people just don't do hosting.

When our DCs were at school, we used to invite loads of the parents we met and got on with over for BBQs, Christmas buffets etc.

Very, very few of them reciprocated.

I bet the people who don't reciprocate the playdates also don't ever entertain anyone else who isn't family.

FWIW my daughter's is now the house where all the teenagers congregate - the one occasion when she pushed back and someone else hosted, the host parents did the perfornative "gosh, that was sooo exhausting" thing when they picked my DGS up, and have never offered again.

YANBU. But I decided I did it for DC, so they got to socialise. I decided to stop keeping score because it was so miserably one-sided.

Completely get it OP, I don’t even need it to be equal, but just once in a while! Also when the DC are little they feel special when they’re invited to a friends house for tea. It amazes me how shameless and idle people are.

Not everyone is in a position to reciprocate. So it's up to you how much your child appreciates their friend coming round. You don't have to provide meals etc if you resent doing that, just invite them for a couple of hours after school. Or arrange to meet in the local park.

With the 12 year old, I'd stop organising full stop, and let him make his own arrangements with friends. Make it clear what you are prepared to provide in terms of meals and snacks.

But if it's always one-sided, DC do ask. They want to see their friend's toys and play in their friend's room. It's natural to them that it should be reciprocal and they can feel a bit unwanted if it is always one-sided.

Gets tougher as they get into secondary, but in primary, I just used to invite different people (who did reciprocate) over rather than let it be a thing. I think it’s so rude though

YANBU - but to be fair some people live in quite unpleasant and dirty houses so i can understand why they don't want anyone round.

Yes, it's rude and greedy. It also never seems to occur to them that if they are embarressed about how dirty their house is they could always clean it up.

Yeah we're not really in a position to reciprocate in the way you present it. My boys share a room so we've never really done sleepovers for them (and dd doesnt enjoy them) and I'm also a childminder so would often be over ratio if I had extras after school or in the holidays.

I never expected invitations but don't do it if you expect it in return, that's not why you should do them.

I recognise this feeling. It is how I felt and reconciled myself to the situation, and how my DD (with her own brood) now feels.

I don’t think it does necessarily occur to them. It doesn’t occur to mine anyway. We have had one child three times for a sleepover and her parents are renovating so haven’t reciprocated yet. Dc has never mentioned it 🤷‍♀️ Some people have busy, stressful lives and don’t want extra kids around, and that’s fine.

12 he's a bit old for playdates. Hanging out surely.

This is it, exactly. It doesnt need to be equal, but just a little less one sided would ne nice.

And shameless is right. I once bumped into a school mum I hadn't spoken to before in a park. Our kids were playing and we got chatting. She was lamenting that noone ever invites her DD anywhere "because they think they're better than us". I said she can always play at ours and she immediately started firing questions at me. How big is your house? Do you have a garden? Do you have a trampoline in your garden? Do you have swings? Has DD got any barbies? Do you have any pets they can play with? What do you like to cook? Can you take them to McDonalds? Then finally, after all the questioning she said "yeah, that sounds good, WE can come next weekend?"

WTF? 😂 I made my excuses.

YANBU. Same situation. DD’s best friend of 7 years comes here all the time. My DD has been to her house twice. Really gets my back up.

Yes, my DS had 5 boys in his class so I used to host them in groups of 2 friends plus DS unless it was a party. Those parents that were cheeky fuckers, I stopped inviting their kids after a while.

Luckily, three of his primary school mates parents did reciprocate and also organised fun activities with all the kids.

One of the kids whose parents never reciprocated is a teen now and spends most of his days outdoors wandering around the area on his own all day. I feel sorry for him but my DS is no longer mates with him as he’s a bit of an idiot at school. Sadly, I think he’s a neglected child in many ways.