To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

but its you continuing to facilitate play dates its obvious they dont actually want to. Its not by force and one of the reason I stopped with play dates is parents waiting for it to be reciprocated. Its organising a playdate just to get a playdate back.

Sigh. Same social class, same political affiliation, same ethnicity, same religion? It's not clear whether you're being racist, classist or some other form of discrimination. But hey, you're clearly fine with whatever it is.

I was the play date host all through primary though I didn’t really mind. Now in secondary, dd has a new friend and they like to hang out in her house and have gone on a couple of outings with her dm. But when I suggest that she invite her over, dd is very reluctant. I’ve offered lifts, and suggested outings and dd keeps declining.

I suspect that she’s afraid of being teased by this girl, and she lets her take the lead on everything. Our house is bigger, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing when you just want to fit in. And of course it’s very likely that I may be the most embarrassing dm in the world right now.

It bothers me because I feel it’s unfair on the other dm and she probably perceives me as a cf, because I doubt all my offers of lifts, hosting and activities filter back to her.

People who don’t reciprocate play dates are the worst. My parenting bugbear back in the day.

I have never had anyone's kids over to my house since they started school, unless i'm actually babysitting for folk, which i do occasionally as i used to work with children and have been a TA in my time too.

If i reciprocate a playdate its always been in the playground, or these days now they're older, the bowling alley or cinema.

I'm not a 'sleepover' mom. The idea horrifies me to be frank.

Playdates aged 12? I thought playdates were a thing for 3 or 4 year olds.

I was that parent who hardly had DS friends over……

but it wasn’t for want of trying, it was DS who used to say he didn’t want it!

I’m wondering if your DC friends are only children?

DS is and I am, I was exactly the same as him……. liked going to my friends as it meant I could come home when I was ready to. I hated having other people in “my space” though.

I find having other people’s children in my house incredibly stressful. I do the occasional one but check my watch every 3 minutes, counting down the time.

So I’m a bit of that person, but I try to even it out by taking the other child out to do a nice activity every so often instead.

Should add I was like @Kreeptureand would regularly take DS friends out with us for the day to places.

His friends never reciprocated that so swings and roundabouts 🤷🏻‍♀️

As I said, I originally started the thread with DD in mind, who is 7 and I went on to talk about the situation with DD.

I also referred to the fact that this friend has been DS's friend since reception, so I'm not just talking about a 12 year old, but of all the years prior to him being 12.

For my grapes regarding his current "playdates" please insert a different, cooler word for him.

I insisted on getting phone numbers for a few parent in the early secondary days if they were parents of people DS were spending a lot of time with. Then I could just put out a friendly note as needed. Not to organise necessarily but perhaps something like, "I see the girls are at yours again. Thanks so much fo rhaving her. Mary is welcome at ours of course, any time. I've also suggested to the girls that I give them a lift if they want to go to the pool later - let me kno wif there's anything else I can do." or whatever.

Or send her with some money or some snacks/treats - as OP has said, it hink just some acknowledgement, even just in such a small way, can be really great.

What is it that you find to stressful about having another child in your house?

This. You're inviting their child over to entertain your child, and because your child wants it. It suits you, they are doing you the favour.

Don't invite children over if you begrudge it.

The thing is by the time they hit 16 it is pretty much 3 sets those who don’t like going round peoples house, those who like to have people round and those who like to go round peoples houses.

DD has a good friend who loves it all being at hers and DD prefers it not to be!

I'm in your situation. Ds2 12 y old like OP's can rarely invite friends over because his older brother is too possessive and won't have anyone else "stealing" his brother away. Therefore I have always been upfront with the parents about why we can rarely reciprociate. But my DS always brings snacks and sweets going to friends houses. And as soon as I got an opportunity (older one had a special day camp for 2 weeks this summer) we invited his friends over every day to make the most of it. Sleepovers are not possible unfortunately but then again if mine is invited I always send things with him to contribute/say thanks. As soon as I feel indebted because it's frequent I get a gift for the mother to say thank you.

I think what @Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar found lacking was not necessarily the lack of invitation if the parents had explained the reasons but rather the lack of acknowledgement/gratitude for having their children over (feeding them etc). I do agree that the parents lack manners and seem like CF.

I don't know where you live but here there is quite a distance btw where children live so parents have to be involved for playdates. For those not liking the word playdate, are you teens yourself?😅. Because my DS2 is 12 but he still plays with friends, be that board games or electronic games🤷‍♀️. And yes, they "hang out" as well and just chat but absolutely do play.

I am that parent that rarely reciprocates. I find the pressure of it very stressful. I know I should be the next one and it hangs over me.

But unknown to everyone, my youngest really struggles (potentially autistic). So when my eldest has friends over I have to work 10 times as hard to help him cope. So I just avoid it and feel guilty!!

None of my DD’s friend’s parents would realise this. I just seem like the one to take take take.

This happens regularly at my son and DIL's house.
Loads of kids everytime we visit. She feeds them all meals as some are there for 8+ hours.
She likes having them, but they do take advantage, and my Grandson is never invited back. 'When I was looking after them when DIL was at work, one boy said his mother had told him not to go home until 7pm - this was at 10am. Another said his mother had told him not to bring friends home because she had just tidied up!
When they are at my son's house, they wander in and out and help themselves to anything from the kitchen, which really annoys me.
I eventually said that I wasn't prepared to supervise all these kids, who I didn't know.

Interesting. What background is required of the parents for your children to be allowed to play with their children? Oxford? Cambridge?

Exactly. Thank you for getting it.

How sweet you get the mums a gift to say thank you. I don't think this is at all necessary but I would be bowled over and deeply touched to recievd this.

DS's friends mum doesn't even come to the door when we pick up her son or she drops him off. No thanks, nothing.

Exactly. I mean, other than lifts and sometimes food, it's not exactly a big deal.

But if you tell the parents about the sibling and that things are complicated they will understand and you won't be that parent. I have always been upfront about this and everyone has been very understanding. But I also try to compensate; sending snacks and sweets over for playdates, occasionally taking kids out for fun stuff without sibling, inviting kids over as soon as I got an opportunity (sibling elsewhere). A family invited my DS a lot and I got the mum a gift I knew she would like.

I used to find some wanted to socialise every week but as full time workers, it would be once a month for us. It's frustrating if someone never invites back though. They might be embarrassed about their home or have a parent who works nights or something. Or just hate hosting. If you resent it, don't do it so much.

If you really can't and don't want to feel guilty any more, can you not do some of the things suggested on the thread as a different way of reciprocating?
Offer to buy the kids a take away as a treat, send food, send money for snacks, pay for some Xbox game to be downloaded IDK.

I think it's just the constant taking and not giving anything at back that is so irksome.

My advice would to not invite them a second time if the parents don't reciprocate after their first visit.

This doesn't bother me, I don't ask to be asked, I invite cos my kid will enjoy it.

I'm not a fan of kids bringing a share bag of sweets to a sleepover either. I don't really want them scoffing haribo before bedtime. Just goes to show we are all different!