To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

My attitude?

Oh, that tiresome woman who gives our children such a nice time at her house, feeds them from her own pocket and never actually asks for a single thing in return.

Yeah, awful attitude

You could reciprocate by the taking the other child to the playpark with sandwiches and squash.

Yes, for the reasons numerous people on the thread have explained.

This. I mean, I’m not doing them a favour. My child just likes playing with their child.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick This has always been the case. I had many friends as a teenager/child, very few parents allowed them bring friends in, even on a rainy day.
Some parents have always been more selfish than others.
Usually the very tidy homes.

Well then don’t be so stupid then.
my ds had a friend like this when he was 7, and I knew the family well enough to know it wasn’t anything happening at home. So I told ds we won’t be having the child home until we take turns.
and ds must have told his friend because they started having him over.

If you are being made a stupid, then don’t allow them.

Erm, if I'm working then I still have to be within ratio, its not about the location!

I agree with you OP. There's always a pushback when you wonder if there might just be a very occasional reciprocal anything. It's the same with birthday parties, some people are just professional at tenders. And if you even privately and silently notice that there isn't even a birthday card you're the devil.

Some people have the attitude that they're doing you a favour by attending, or letting you host their child.

And you can make yourself feel better if you want by saying oh my child is happy, but are you ok with being taken advantage off?
those kids will drop your kid anytime as well.

Realistically, that doesn't sound at all like the "you" you're presenting here. 😂

Surely you realise that?

Right, and people talking to their friends in the school run are ‘cliques’ whose sole job is to exclude your child from any hope of a social life.

Why on earth are you trying to ‘jog’ people into looking after your kids??

For teenagers, it's different as they make the decisions and our house is definitely more popular to come to - in part becuase it' sin a very convenient spot close to school and public transport when they're heading out to other places. And also, DS himself prefers to be at home.

But what I've noticed is that with his good friends, there's other forms of reciprocity. eg one buddy who lives in a very small house and appears to be desperate to escape his siblings and who therefore spends a lot of time here - his parents often give DS a lift to their joint sports activity and have taken him with them to a couple of club games. Or they'll turn up with a bit of cash to pop to the shop for snacks or whatever. Which is fine. So I don't mind at all.

Just like a good friend tends to come here more often than we come to hers for lots of reasons. But she does invite us there sometimes and often is th eone initiating things such as a drinks evening or a show. so I don't mind that she's more likely to drink my wine than I am to drink hers!

Because they said they would invite my child over, never once asked them to, they said that they would off their own backs and i thought it might remind them of what they said?

I was perfectly willing to host their child if they didn't do as thry said they would, but I was hoping it might go a different way.

To be honest, I don’t really allow my children to go to school friends houses unless I know the parents really well, and we have the same background.

I do however, let them invite whoever they want over and we always go above and beyond with activities food etc and even things like bowling etc all funded by myself.

If they want to invite your child, they will.

Either accept the situation or stop hosting. It doesn’t merit the extent of your irritability or condemnation.

‘Same background’?

Well it is rude, there is only so long I will have people over where it is not returned where I say enough his enough and stop it

If i cant host i wouldnt go to other people's it is rude

Yes! See, even that kind of reciprocity would be fine!
As I said in my OP, she could send him over with a bag of sweets to share on their sleepovers, a bit of money for snacks, maybe offer the odd lift, offer to pay for a takeaway, run him home from school once in a while, whatever.
But there's nothing. She just takes.
And now they're older, there's not even a thank you.
And quite often, we're doing drop offs and pick ups for these sleepovers too!!

Yes you read that correctly the first time! If it’s still unclear, read it one more time ☺️

There's often reasons why some houses don't really work (siblings, parents, etc) my DD doesn't really like having friends over, but I usually encourage her to take snacks etc with her so her friends parents don't end up feeding hoards.

This. You are inviting them over. You shouldn't expect everyone to be able to do the same and if you do, don't invite them.

If you invite a child, that parent may feel the pressure to send their child as their child knows about the invite and it's something they would not have wanted to reciprocate.

If it's such an issue stop having children over.

I'm not someone who takes advantage of these playdates as I don't want to organise them and so when invited decline.

Yup, I get you.

But there are lots of people who either are happy to have kids over with no reciprocity because they don't actually want/need their kids to go elsewhere, or who are the ones who don't like to recriprocate.

If it's any consolation, I find over time that this level of inequality seems to applyin other areas too and the friendships fizzle out as the DC get a bit older and a bit more independent. I suspect it's just part of the like attracts like type thing. We've seen this with a couple of families like this where somehow, the friendship has just died away and a few times my DC have sort of said things that suggest they felt they were always making the effort anyway and they got tired of it.

You think it’s rude. That doesn’t mean everyone should think it’s rude, and judging from the responses on this thread, a lot of people are fine with it.

I think it’s really rude not to reciprocate hospitality.
Especially if the children are young and still require some looking after.
If my (primary school age) DC are invited to someone’s house I always offer to have their DC over at ours some time in the following weeks.
That is normal and polite.