To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

The only time I hosted a play date the child was talking back constantly, on top of that she had a cold and her mom knew she had a cold and send her to my house coughing and not wiping her nose with a tissue but smearing it on my furniture. Didnt flush the toilet, didnt want to wash her hands, she brought her own ipad and didnt let my child watch a show on her ipad, wouldnt let him touch her markers if he did he had to put it exactly where she wants them to be. Took them cinema bought snacks etc other parent returned the favour by taking them to the park on a very cold rainy day (I only found out when I picked him up) his shoes and trousers were socked in mud his socks were wet.

Well, if my child was friends with your child, then he could come to mine and you wouldn’t have to reciprocate. So all good!

The trouble is, it's actually quite difficult to turn down an invitation without it sounding like you are rejecting the friend/family.

DD used to have a friend whose mother was forever inviting her to play dates. If I politely declined she would just suggest another date. I did invite children to ours for playdates but this friend was only one of many and I thought it was better to rotate through friends rather than always reciprocating the same friend. And better to accept the invites than disappoint the friend (who always looked so thrilled when DD came over).

This.

'childcare' isn't the point, it's because it makes YOUR kids happy.

I don't understand the drama/investment over playdates. I'm not sure if it's a generational difference or a country difference, but I feel playdates are for kids to hang out with their friends and have fun (and, if you're lucky, give the parent a bit of a break). You don't have to buy special food, you don't even have to feed them (if you only have people for an hour after school, for example), you don't have to take them anywhere. The kids just make their own fun. I don't see them as an exchange of services - I've 'entertained' your child for an afternoon, so you should return the favour.

Totally get this, we have often had my daughters friends over, for dinner, picnics and many sleepovers, but only 1 of the other mums ever reciprocate. I find it so rude that none of the other mums even say thank you to me for having their kids over, let alone return the invite. Some of these mums I have known many years, it’s always disappointing.

DS had a friend as a teenager who came to us a lot. He was no trouble and they were usually pretty easy to have around. His parents were divorced and despite us taking him on holidays etc I never even met his Dad or spoke to him.

FF a couple of decades and DS got married with this same friend as best man. BM made the most beautiful speech and said how he used to find excuses to come to our house because we were the family he would have liked for himself ( or words to that effect). His adult life has been profoundly affected by his messy childhood and teenage years. I’m so pleased we were, unknowingly, one place he felt safe and secure.

If the DC are happy and well behaved then be ok with the fact that they choose your house to hang out. By 12 they have the ability to choose.

As for 7, that’s a shame but just do whatever pleases you.

I have 2 jobs, single parent and am out the house 12 + hours all but a couple of days a month when I’m desperately trying to catch up with housework. I can’t manage extra dc on top of that? Also you really can’t farm it as feee childcare unless they have specifically asked you if you can look after their dc. It’s for your own dc’s benefit as much as anyone else’s

We are the go to hang out house but to be honest I don’t mind, I actually prefer it. I grew up unable to invite people over because our house was so overcrowded and my dad was a drunk and I always felt a bit ashamed. I don’t like the thought of other kids feeling like that, and now we have the room and a garden it’s fine. If they’re saying they’ll have DD next time I would simply ask if they can. When they suggest a play date at yours just said “oh do you mind hosting next time as you said you would?”

It's actually fine now my DC are at secondary school; we do have kids here and they have some snacks and drinks. Thankfully they're not remotely interested in what im doing anymore, take their shoes off at the door and go home for dinner.

I am just so grateful the days of 'hosting' kids and awkward parent chat are mostly done with.

I can't help thinking a lot of the people saying you are being unreasonable are the ones who are not inviting people over.

Personally, I agree. It's not about tit for tat and it certainly doesn't need to be equal, but some acknowledgement and effort. And I feel the same about adult relationships - I am happy to host more often as I like hosting etc, but if I realise that I have hosted over and over again and, even more so, if I realise that I am always the one initiating social plans then eventually I just stop.

I have once or twice forced the issue eg on pick up when the parents say, "oh, we must have DD over some time" I've said, "Oh, actually, that would be fantastic. She's really keen as her and Mary keep talking about Mary's dollhouse and to be honest, there are a couple of dates in the next few weeks when it would also massively help me out as i'm supposed to at work - do you think we could get a date now?" And I don't even feel bad putting them on the spot. And, to be ghonest, I think in most cases, these people really DO have good intentions, they just do also have busy lives etc and so they take the path of least resistance and just don't get around to it mostly.

Some people have messy houses or are embarrassed about the size/ state of their home or have difficult relationships / unpleasant atmosphere at home so can't invite people over.

I’m saying she’s unreasonable and have had numerous kids over during the summer, am taking a kid on holiday with us next week and have not thought about reciprocation for any of those invitations.

Instead of turning down, I was hoping it would jog them into inviting DD to theirs instead, like they said they would.
Obviously, I took the risk in inviting but I was hoping for them to say, "oh no, we said we would! Why doesn't she come here instead?" But instead they grab the chance for me to do the hosting, again.

If you don’t want to then don’t. But it’s your
children who will benefit the most. My husband’s house was the ‘hang out’ until his group of friends left home (all lived at home for uni which was normal in their area). His
parents were invited to all his friends weddings - some even mentioned in the speech. They have such fond memories of his mam and her endless food… they come over now when we visit his home city and partly
its to see his mam. I think she was quite happy to host, didn’t do it under duress and it’s added a lot of richness to her life - she’s very close (in a non toxic way!) to all of her children. I will definitely try to emulate her warmth and welcome for my children. I don’t think kindness is wasted even if it is not reciprocated.

So it's alright to to accept invitations but not do anything in return?

Perhaps they just feel pressured into uttering these sentiments given your attitude, as clearly expressed in this thread.

This happened to us with certain people in primary. I continued to facilitate it because I didn’t want dc’s friendships to suffer and they were nice friends. After their social circle expanded in secondary, these friends fell by the wayside a bit. Maybe it was a coincidence but the DC whose parents never had play dates became even less sociable at secondary and spent a lot of time by themselves , never having friend over and never being invited to others or initiating meet ups.

Exactly.

We were often the "hosting" house when I was younger - it never bothered me and It never upset me that I didn't get reciprocal invites. My best friend was pretty much a sister to me growing up and she loved coming over and getting away from her brother, lol.

Of course as we got older we'd hang out in town or whatever a lot more, but she still slept over ours far, far more often than I ever slept over hers.

I'm really glad my mum never played this weird "tit for tat" that I see on MN about not inviting people who never invite you.

I agree it's annoying, I have my sons friends over way more than he gets invited.
I decided rather than getting annoyed I'm doing this for my son, it will be a nice childhood memory I've created for him, regardless of what other people are doing or not doing.

Now I am older i can reflect on my childhood. I was never allowed friends over which was miserable.
I spent every weekend at my friends house, she had 5 brothers and sisters and they all had friends over constantly. Every Sunday the whole football team would go for bacon sarnies then about 10 family members would come for Sundays dinner. They didn't have much money at all and it was a mad house but full of love and i now truly appreciate what good childhood memories I had there.
I would love to bump into her parents and thank them for being so welcoming.

I think it is a compliment too.
Never had a problem with children nose diving into my bedroom.
They know the rules.
DS friends are a bit wilder than DD's
I can only have them inside in small doses. DS prefers playing outside he hates anyone touching his things, or picking their skin, there is always a fallout. he's bossy and cranky.
My mother's home was an open door for pals, 5 children plus pals. She was very patient.

Do they need dropping off and picking up? If not I’d be sending the 12 year old home for meals. That’s what happened when we were kids if we were just hanging out. Staying for “tea” was always only by invite.

I do it because my dc enjoy it. I don't expect reciprocaty. Others do host though. I wouldn't keep score. Our circumstances enable us too, others do not. I have no issue with it as long as my children have fun.

I totally agree. It is harder hosting playdates than sending your kid to someone else's house, and it's rude to accept and not reciprocate. Like you I keep doing it, however it's annoying and the results of this poll show it is somehow socially acceptable these days, and everyone has an excuse like 'their house is their sanctuary' (like other peoples houses aren't?) or something about how they've got no space inside (get the kids to play in the garden then?) Or weekends are 'family time' for the entire weekend. It's upsetting for my kids as well who are well behaved and don't understand why their friends don't invite them over. I don't think it's very healthy for kids never to have playdates or never invite friends round to their house. I have had a couple of people be up front with me and say they don't have people round because their house is a building site / wfh making stuff and it's not suitable for playdates and that's fair enough, they've been up front and not done the whole 'it's our time next time' shit that they don't mean

You don't do playdates past primary ages OP. They usually sort their own social life out.