To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

I'm astounded by these takes!
That somehow these are favours and make life easier for the other parent!?
I work full time from home and DD has loads of friends locally (who have always just played out or in a mixture of our houses, lots of hobbies/activities etc) It's always been more of a hindrance when we've accepted these offers but I've wanted to nurture her other friendships and usually the asker very much has their own reasons (less social child etc, live more rurally etc) which is fair enough but to think it was potentially seen as free childcare makes me laugh!
The opposite has been true!

Presumably these parents who are posting their good reasons for not reciprocating don't keep saying 'Oh we must have your child over to us next time'.

That insincerity is irritating.

However, I wouldn't be feeding the children, apart from snacks. They can go home for meals, unless they are neglected and really need the food.

@Enigma54 God that is bloody awful. Poor woman

I have discovered lots of people really, really don't host. I suspect they can't be bothered tidying up and can't stand the thought of their home being seen even remotely less than pristine. Some people also aren't confident with cooking & worry they'll be judged on what they serve up.

I will be honest though, unless the parent has good reasons to not reciprocate (work, caring responsibilities etc)... i do stop inviting a child after a while if never asked back.

It’s a mindset thing. If you think of a play date as childcare of course you’ll resent it not being reciprocated. If you think of it as something your child wants to do then you won’t. I had plenty of time, plenty of space and was happy to be the play date house. Also-I don’t tally keep!

Yabu. I couldn't host playdates. Younger DC had literally destroyed the house and I didn't want their schoolfriends knowing. They could have quite possibly had a violent meltdown during a playdate too.

Add to that, I worked PT and they had after school activities. There was really very little time left to even attempt to spruce the house up and have anyone over.

It really was tragic.
Yet on the surface, they appeared to be the “ perfect family”.

But some parents might be on the bare bones of their arse?

Just stop giving and you won’t need anybody to reciprocate.

My daughters has a couple of friends who for one reason or another cannot host, and I recognise this isn't the children fault, so they still get invited of course. But without fail the mums send them with some cakes, or sweets etc to share, or an activity to share like some face masks, collect when requested etc.

We are generally the go to house, thete can be up to 10 children in our garden someday between both my girls. But it doesn't bother me, I supply some ice pops snacks and pizzas and otherwise they just get in with it.

That they’ll damage something mainly. But I also don’t really like children and find interacting with them uncomfortable unless they’re my own.

I’m generally very capable in other aspects of life, it’s just being around strange children that I seem to crumble at.

Yes-that way none of the children get to have the fun of a play date. A perfect lose:lose situation!

Or just take the kids to a park with a picnic or something. If your child is repeatedly going to play dates and you can’t reciprocate for some reason I think you need to explain somehow. It doesn’t even need to be the truth! But to keep accepting and just never invite back is hurtful and will cause resentment.

There’s always something you can do!

We have always been that house. I love that my kids and their friends love coming here and we have a sleepover at least once a fortnight. Some friends reciprocate and some don’t but every family has different circumstances, family dynamic and commitments so it doesn’t bother me if the kids would rather be here. I love that they want and feel safe and happy and able to be themselves here. We are very be laid back and my home was the same growing up. Happy to feed the kids and gives me an excuse to bake!

That's fine, we're all different. I love children and find them so much easier (and sometimes funnier) to interact with than adults but each to their own😉.

What I wanted to say was that depending on the childrens ages there doesn't have to be much interacting with them if you don't want to. I long for the time when I got "invited" to play board games with my son and his friends. I am now reduced to providing meals and snacks and make myself scarce (DS 12 y old wish) which I suppose would suit you better😊.

I like being the house kids come to. Mine are late teens now and I love seeing their friends. We're lucky also to have a lot of space whereas I know some of the parents have less space and/or work more hours than I do. What really annoys me though are those parents that don't take turns with lifts!!

Return hosting, not childcare! It's like if you went to dinner at someone's house 20 times and they said can we come to yours once and you think, hey - you mean it's a two way street?!?!

It's grabby and rude to accept the hosting of your dc and not reciprocate. You could say 'oh no, I don't like my child to go anywhere because I never want to reciprocate' that would be more upfront.

My son has a friend whose parents were quite well off and just expected the kids to stay at theirs. They a log cabin type thing with a shower and toilet. Everyone would take cash and they ordered from a local delivery place and each paid for their own food. Then it would be films, music and crash out. Pick your kid up at 11am. It’s just the way it was.

You have no idea what their circumstances are.

I didn’t invite anyone back to my house after the age of about 12 when my abusive dad shouted and shouted at me in front of my friend. I couldn’t risk having my friends finding out.

My kids are both primary age now and I can’t do play dates at the moment because my house is having renovations and you can’t move in some of the rooms because of the amount of stuff everywhere. I’m a single parent and have very limited time to sort things.

What used to annoy and actually upset me were the parents who never reciprocated, always left you to do the lifts and didn’t even thank you when you dropped their child home, Sometimes they didn’t even get up from their sofa to come to the door! A sibling would open it, in they’d go and off I’d drive, unthanked.

Yes, I did mind this a lot! It wasn’t how I was brought up - to accept hospitality and not even say thank you. If someone can’t invite back, as pps have said, there is always something you can do to show appreciation.

i’m In a flat, children share a room.. there is no room to have “play dates” here, though I do return invites by asking their friends out for the day etc instead. 1 child is in a group of 8 and 1 child is in a group of 9 - some but not all have hosted all of us at a time, I just can’t do the same.
happy to help with childcare for 1 (and have done so on numerous occasions) but generally there’s not much room for a play date 🙃

I’m sure you’re doing your bit!

I get that some people aren’t in a position to host and that’s fine, but a thank you from the parent is the absolute minimum and sometimes you don’t even get that.

YaBU

Lots of people prefer playdates to be occasional rather than super often. It used to really annoy me when we were pestered several times a week and recieved rude comments for not reciprocating at a ridiculously frequent level (2 or 3 times a week).

My reasons were several. Firstly I have health issues, cost implications, work and wanted to spend some time with my kids, have 5 DC so much more than the average and they all played well together. I often found the mums who wanted constant play dates found it as it was easier for them or they had only children.

It is fine to invite but never expect the same back and listen if they make excuses or dont seem keen. Find others with a similar mindset.

You have no idea what that person has on their plate at this moment Or what they can cope with.

If you don’t want their friends round don’t have them round, you know they won’t have your children round, your choice.