To think it's rude to not reciprocate playdates?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I am so done with being the one everyone comes to for playdates but barely getting an invite back, ever.

DS is 12 and going into year 8. He's had the same best friend since reception. Don't get me wrong, I've known his best friend since they were little. He's a lovely kid. I don't mind having him over, but he must be here around once a month for a sleepover and I could count on one hand the amount of times DS is invited back to their house and thry are flaky and often cancel. I feed him breakfasts, lunches and dinners while he's here. She can't even send him with a bag of sweets to share or something.

DD is 7. She has three or four good friends she loves to have over. I will invite them over at weekends and after school, they will come and have a nice time. I wait for the invite back... it rarely comes.

The parents will make comments like "oh we must have DD next time" but then nothing.

At the end of term, I mentioned to the parents of her best friend that we would have their DS over during the summer and they said brightly "Oh, it's our turn!!". I waited but no invite. DD begging to see him so in week 5 of the summer holidays I sent an invite, hoping they would say "oh no, it's our turn" but they eagerly accepted.

This week just gone she's had three friends over and not one invite back for next week.

Are these parents not embarrassed to be taking the free childcare (I've had them all day and provided lunch) and not be returning the favour?

It wouldn't occur to me to expect reciprocation for a playdate or sleepover or to count the cost of feeding the visiting child either. If it's too much for you and you resent it, make it an occasional thing or just have them over for a few hours, not all day/ night. I hate sleepovers and have as few as possible as it stops me sleeping, there is always a spillage, or some kind of breakage or a vomiting incident etc. I'm probably the non reciprocating parent here.

so you decline all sleepovers your children are invited to?

All the bad experience, other parents have them too. That's why those who don't reciprocate are CF.

It's not the cost, it's realising that one house is supposed to be the only one to deal with noise and disruption, let alone feeding the children, while the other is having free childcare. Everyone works ,everyone is busy, it's not acceptable to assume one parent can handle all the negatives.

So why do you do it? Why don't you stick to meeting in the park with friends instead?

When mine were young I was a single parent in a tiny one bedroom flat and the kids would get shouted at and told to go inside if they played in the courtyard. I had other friends in similar situations or who lived in hostels or with extended family or who work long hours...it's not always possible for people, not everyone lives the same life.

I do it because that's part of being a parent? Kids like having sleepovers and friends around, they like BEING INVITED to sleepovers and friends houses, so we all take turn. Their social life is important.

And If one night is being disrupted, next time I have an evening off without having to deal with diner and bedtime. No one keeps exact count, but it's an organic back and forth.

Some have sleepovers in their massive bedroom with a double bed, others have sleepovers with all the kids on the floor in the living room. That's the beauty of it, every house is different, and it's fun.

What I am not doing and will not do is take on all the work and all the hosting, while other parents can't be bothered because they think their time is more precious than mine. These people we don't need.

If my (now older) children message me: is it ok if xyz stays over tonight after school, the answer is always no if it's not reciprocated

It sounds as though you are doing it more than you are comfortable with.

not at all, but I am not inviting anyone when it's one-sided, so it's drama free and everybody's happy.

Yes I've declined quite a lot, as the kids are generally in no fit state to do anything the next day and I want to enjoy being with them at the weekends. I don't see sleepovers as "free childcare" though. It's me giving up time with my child to make them and their friends happy. I would prefer it if they went to none actually, but that wouldn't be fair on them. And I do do a few sleepovers as I said.
I also do things for other people's kids like giving lifts, dropping off, having them round to hang out (beyond the playdate stage now), over for tea. I don't keep track and wouldn't expect that to be repaid.

That smacks of that tragic Mn assertion ‘I choose not to have friends, as friends cause ‘drama’.’

What kind of drama do you having an occasional child over would cause?

the drama is starting to have resentment and be irritated against other parents taking the piss. It's unnecessary. life is far too short for this. So instead of making a big deal or wasting time thinking about it, you just don't invite the children again and it's a complete non-issue.

I bet it's these CF who then complain there are "cliques" at the school gate and parents don't talk to them - maybe these parents are discussing the next sleepovers arrangements 😂

Why shouldn't the non reciprocators share the drama? To be clear I'm not talking about people who are too poor, have difficult family or accommodation situations. I have experienced families who are perfectly well situated who choose not to have children over or to ever return a cinema trip (or send snacks or do any of the transportation) who are happy to accept invitations knowing that they are never going to reciprocate, why would they think that's ok? Again, not talking about about people who can't, just those who won't. Because they're rude and lazy.

But if you invite them again, it's also a complete non-issue, though.

I can't honestly imagine a level of mentality where you're continually on high alert for being 'exploited', any more than I can imagine seeing 'cliques' everywhere I looked, rather than people talking to their friends.

It is a shame to exclude a child or deny your child the experience because of judging their parents?

Also is is naive to think 'people aren't bothering' when there could be major reasons that people cannot reciprocate including disability, extreme social problems, hoarding etc

Except the children, of course. But it’s not about them, is it?

Honestly, the constant bleating of "tHeRe MaY bE gOoD rEaSoNs"

These parents SAID thry would reciprocate. And they HAVE reciprocated in the past. I know their circumstances, I know they can. And even if they can't- they said they would!! That's my beef!!

I remember going into year 8 and would have felt so embarrassed if my parent referred to my friend hanging out as a “play date” they are literally 12, he can sort out who he wants to play with without you getting involved. Over 20 years ago I made my own arrangements to hang out with friends, none of my friends parents were arranging play dates or making us dinner for us girls. Cut the apron strings or he’s going to end up bullied. At 12 years old he can put a few things in the oven himself and you should be teaching him independence not babying him like a 6 year old.

I am so glad I don’t live my life counting reciprocations. It must take up so much time and energy…

Yes absolutely & if they sincerely genuinely all of a sudden, did just so happen to have an actual authentic reason, for not being able to reciprocate your kindness, then surely they should realise, it's the common decency thing to do, to just inform you
This isn't unreasonable or too high a standard or expectation
Take great care of You&Yours 💚

Some adults are the same.
Happy to accept invites, but never make an effort back, even when they've got nice homes and gardens .

100%. We have a neighbourhood book club, all live in similar sized houses so no big disparity in circumstances. It is always the same few who end up hosting, while those that dodge their turn in make the most of others’ hospitality!

Yes completely concur with you
This has been our family's experience throughout most of our lives too
Especially those with posh elaborate homes & gorgeous gardens, because some have even made it quite obvious, they don't wish to risk having someone possibly untidy their precious home
I mean, my Childrens happiness comes 1st so I don't mind some untidiness
Housework comes back regardless & is always there
Our precious Childrens lives however, well they all grow up & you can't put a price on happy sentimental memories 🙏

I was thinking the same thing?! Also at that age why isn’t the friend instigating the meet up? Maybe he just isn’t that arsed - it’s not up to the parents age 12. Christ op you sound really caught up in it all

An alternative view. I have a friend who constantly asks my DS (8) for play dates. I say no a lot. When he goes she takes them out and spends large amounts of money and spoils them rotten. Her DS is 8, only child. She openly says it’s easier for her to have friends over because he’s an only child.

Then we get guilted into not constantly reciprocating because my DCs like down time on the weekend and we both work full time so come the weekend we just want to chill together.

Some people are juggling lots of balls.
Some people have a kid with high needs
Some people have messy or tiny houses
Some people seem to be embarrassed about their house

Some parents are just selfish

You really don’t know. We are the hang out house. We have a decent sized house, hardwearing and I don’t mind at all. Most parents have them back, some don’t and I can figure out why from the above list of options. I think you have to do these things for your kids and with no expectations.

At 12, me and most of my friends had started our periods we hated being babied. We had kissed boys and some even had a “boyfriend” I find this behaviour really cringe and strange frankly. When does it stop? When he’s 13?14?15?