Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

He did tell her?

@ChopsyHatesFungus

I think there's a bit of a confusion over the two friends here.

From how I read the OP, the friend her boyfriend was supporting/prioritising was the friend that was being cheated ON, not the one doing the cheating.

The alleged cheater is the man he originally met for drinks, the friend he went home with is the one who turned up in a state after finding out about the text messages.

The bit where he said he was getting him home and would be round after, but then didnt, id have been annoyed.
I would expect him to say that there's a fair chance he couldn't come, and to be apologetic but not act as if im just going to be available at any time of day or night. Plus the text at 2am. Is he trying to stop you sleeping too?

I would be annoyed tbh, but I would probably just move on and I wouldn't think much of his mate

"The adulterous marital problems of the friends of the OPs partner has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't be expected to lower her expectations."

Bit stiff and unyielding. You seem rather stern about this. I'd have left him to get on with it seeing as it was an unusual occurrence and he has autonomy. It is clear that events unfolded in an unpredictable way - he went with the flow and supported his friend. I'm sure he was distracted and time just disappeared. It happens.

But then I am a misogynist and a cool wife. Heh.

The bit where he said he was getting him home and would be round after, but then didnt, id have been annoyed.
I would expect him to say that there's a fair chance he couldn't come, and to be apologetic but not act as if im just going to be available at any time of day or night. Plus the text at 2am. Is he trying to stop you sleeping too?

I would be annoyed tbh, but I would probably just move on and I wouldn't think much of his mate

I think that’s a very fair message.

If I learned my adult DS had pissed his girlfriend about like this so that she didn’t eat or sleep properly the night before a long working day, I’d be very unimpressed.

I’d also advise him to be careful about inserting himself into other people’s marital dramas, as I’ve noticed over my many long decades on earth that this tends to not end well.

The word misogyny is so overused on here.

Because her boyfriend had wound her up with text-talk of imminent physical fighting.

Op
Sometimes things happen.
It's quite rigid of you to expect him to still accommodate the original plans when you knew things had kicked off.

Yes he was supporting the married friend that had been cheated on.

If I was OP I would have encouraged him to stay at the friends and told them to get a takeaway or something instead.

I think at the 9.45 communication i would have said look after your mate and I'll see you next week as you needed to eat and get to bed for work in the morning. All the handwringing about him being safe is really just annoyance he didnt drop his mate to eat your complicated meal and text regularly - it wouldnt be my first priority in a stressful 'live' situation. He should probably have just said he wasn't going to make it but perhaps underestimated how long it was all going to take to deal with

Why would he not be safe? Hes not a 4 year old out on his own. Hes a grown man with two friends, acting as a go between. Hardly going to end up on A&E is he.

I think you’re using that as an excuse to be pissed at him. He was never in danger, he was helping friends.

Im going to guess you’ve been together less than a year? When the honeymoon phase ends, you need to be aware that he won’t always be in constant contact with you and sometimes dates don’t go to plan.

You not eating is on you, not him.

Why would he not be safe? Hes not a 4 year old out on his own. Hes a grown man with two friends, acting as a go between. Hardly going to end up on A&E is he.

I think you’re using that as an excuse to be pissed at him. He was never in danger, he was helping friends.

Im going to guess you’ve been together less than a year? When the honeymoon phase ends, you need to be aware that he won’t always be in constant contact with you and sometimes dates don’t go to plan.

You not eating is on you, not him.

Between two close friends. He clearly wasn’t in danger.

No he texted thr op the op let it ruin their night and didnt just go to sleep that is on the op

So poster's take on other people's dramas when there is no need

Misogynists don't like being called out on their misogyny so of course they're going to think the word is overused 👍

No, it's overused.

I'm not arguing about it all day though.

She wouldn't have expected him to accommodate the original plans if he had told her that he wasn't coming instead of telling her the opposite to that.

You sound like hard work. No, in short. You already knew it was a difficult situation which always unpredictable, what else did you need? Being sick with anxiety is way over the top.

No wonder you have anxiety dealing with this dickhead. I can’t believe what I’m reading.

He wanted a night out with the lads and then a bit of sex with you afterwards… I think he’s using you OP.

Please remember that a lot of men are full of shit and will say pretty much anything to get their way!

Well yes he told her all the drama with his friends he didn't tell her clearly what was going on with him.

It is definitely not used enough and anyone that says that it is needs to wake up.

Misogyny is the water in which we all swim.

Yes the 'safety' aspect is (to me) a red herring, as is the often proffered, "He knows I worry."
You read that on here quite a lot. I think it's occasionally a bit manipulative...or self-absorbed.

That's not personal to the OP at all - just a general observation. So you worry? What of it?

I'm not trying to be mean...although I know it sounds like I am.

What he told her at 9.45 was that he'd be straight over.

What I'm hearing from everyone who's standing up for him is that men make ridiculous decisions and that we shouldn't ever trust/believe them, and we should overwrite everything they say with the actual truth that we're supposed to somehow already know. Which seems like fairly hollow support for this man, tbh.

Crikey I thought I was just being helpful. Obviously you’re feeling hurt though!