Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

You’re being way too dramatic.

I’d be a bit miffed that he said he was coming but didn’t but he was honest that there was an issue at the pub.

By 10pm I would have texted to say that you’re going to go bed and you’ll see him next time instead.
Theres no way I wouldn’t have eaten. I’d have just eaten my half and if he came a bit later, then he could have reheated his.

Seems a bit silly him coming over after going out when you’ve got work in the morning and it’s literally only a couple days until you see him again.

This was my first thought too.

Shit happens, put away your 🚩before he spots it, have a word with yourself.

You cared enough to add your post, still not sure of what the opinion is under the emojis, but if that has made you happier, enjoy

If what he says is true and this incident occurred then I think YABU.
These things do happen. He prioritised his friend when he was needed for support. He kept you pretty well updated and you knew the nature and timing of it as it unfolded.
I think you're being precious. Sorry.

Possibly. When I was in a controlling relationship, I sometimes told a lie , an excuse to meet friends.

I don’t believe him and hes sounds like a live bomber.

I think you were being a bit silly saying he could still come round so late. Surely you would have just eaten and then told him you were going to bed and you'll see him on Tuesday to stop all your worrying.

Sounds like most PPs have this one covered. The only thing I’ll add is that as I’ve got older, I’ve learned not to miss out on dinner to make a point to someone else. The food was there, it was ready - even if he did come home later, he could have had his later. I know it’s not the same as the shared experience of having dinner together, but as soon as you knew he was going to be late, you could have eaten and not gone to bed hungry. The dinner experience was already ruined by him coming over late (if he had come over).

So, the lesson here is: eat the food.

Saying "he knows I’m a worrier" doesn’t mean it’s perfectly ok for you to catastrophise and then blame him for not pandering to you. Dealing with people who almost pride themselves on being "worriers" can be very wearing.

Unless you think he wasn’t being honest, I don’t think he did anything much wrong. He was being a good friend but you’re trying to make it all about you. "See you soon" is a vague expression where "soon" doesn’t really mean "in the next few minutes".

Think I’d be pissed off that he’d picked to comfort his scummy mate than stick with plans you already had. I would think less of him for sympathising with someone who behaved like that

Maybe he was hoping you would let him off the hook, whilst updating up, maybe you should have said, I'll see you tomorrow good luck, is he generally passive? Not good at speaking directly, my DH avoids conflict, wouldn't want to let me or his friend down.
Going hungry is ridiculous.
Talk about adding to the dramatic letdown.

Yes.
I think most of us got the gist quite quickly? Why didn’t you?
Don’t get the sister bit - but never was a fan of whataboutism.

Yes.
I think most of us got the gist quite quickly? Why didn’t you?
Don’t get the sister bit - but never was a fan of whataboutism.

@Sunriselillyflower it was fine until the ‘having beers with his mate and the 2 hour gap’. He probably really wanted to come to yours but really he should have said, look, let’s defer because he may want me to stay and chat etc and I know you have work - you eat and get yourself to bed’. I see how that could have happened and in itself is ok, but 2 hours was not OK because you were just left hanging!

Wow the misogynists and the cool girls are all over this thread with their favourite phrases 'you're clingy' 'you're needy, you're hard work, you're dramatic, you're making it all about you.

The adulterous marital problems of the friends of the OPs partner has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't be expected to lower her expectations.

He told her that he was coming and then didn't arrive and didn't communicate to her that he wasn't going to be coming. Why should the OP have been nonchalant about that?

Another thing I've observed on this thread and others on Mumsnet is that the phrase 'have you considered therapy?' is always disingenuous and never as a valid concern over someone's wellbeing.

OP I hope you're feeling ok, you must have been disappointed as you were looking forward to seeing your partner. He's got some making up to do on Tuesday.

I think he should have said from the start that he didn't know how the drama was going to unfold, so wouldn't be able to see you.

I do wonder if he felt really obliged to try to come round, though - you do sound a bit intense!

Give over with the misogyny and cool girls comment. If my friend was upset I would stay with them. OP is being dramatic.

Oh yes 'give over' is also a misogynists favourite.

So you would stay with your friend and not tell your partner yes?

Wouldn't actually surprise me if he's the one messaging another friends wife, perhaps he has an opportunity as the husband is away.
.
What an absolute cock and bull story he's told you. Some people are so gullible.
The fact that he left you hanging without contact says it all!

I bet when he did eventually call, he was outside somewhere. Did you hear any commotion? Bet you didn't!

Then to text you to ask if it's too late to come over while he's "having beers with Luke" he knew it was too damn late!

Then another text saying he feels bad!!
Yeah, I bet you do mate while you were getting your end away with someone else! He should have added that he felt good aswell because he got his mate home safe. But we all know that's a lie!

Watch him act all sheepish in the next few days, because of the guilt.

And I bet you any money, he wasn't even with his mate to begin with!
That text saying he was "doing his mates head in keep talking about you" that never happened.

Watch his actions in the next few days and weeks very closely.

I actually don't think this that's a fair message to send and hope OP hasn't sent it. That message will result in a fight as OPs partner will rightly try stand up for himself. Both are tired and likely grumpy, it will be a disaster for everyone.

Urgh! Throw him back.

If true, I’d be extremely pissed off that he’s prioritising supporting his married cheating pal over keeping his arrangement to see you.

I’d want confirmation from the wife that this all happened as he said it did, as I think he’s stringing you along. I don’t actually believe his shit story for a second and I also think he wanted to carry on drinking. What an absolute tosser.

His regular update texts suggest to me that he’s well versed in the lying dept. and I wouldn’t trust him an inch after this. I bet he’s also a serial cheater.

I don't understand why you ever thought he wasn't safe? You seem to be over reacting to me.

I’d be irritated that he didn’t manage to work out he was unlikely to be coming round and tell you he’s fine and to go ahead eating. Texting at 2am is very inconsiderate. It’s no worse than that though. Hes a good partner in other ways but not perfect.

He told OP exactly what was going on.

There was a 2 hour gap that they had no contact (the horror) but OP knew that he was dealing with drama because he had already told her, so she knew that he was busy.

I would have been disappointed if my DP had not supported his friend.