To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

So you obviously have trauma attached to this behaviour. But it still means nothing.

silent treatment also means you just don’t want to talk to someone because you are angry with them. It’s ok for her to take her time and decide when she wants to talk isn’t it? What’s the point in forcing her (within days!) to pretend she isn’t angry about it?

she is, she’s showing you she is, but you have the option to ignore and go about your own business

I agree that some counselling to give you a toolbox of methods to respond to this behaviour and cope would be hugely useful

A tiger Mum would be behaving like a adult, they would have supported a child to attend college and helped with studying and they would have found out when results day is and be up waiting for the results and not leaving their child to it.

Well then respond in this way instead of begging for forgiveness.

I don't think this is all on you but you only have the power to control your own behaviour and communication. Improve that first and learn to stand up for yourself in an assertive way without being confrontational or woe is me. Because you say the current situation isn't working (and you are right) so how do you intend to make it change?

Op she needs to go. She's a bully and she and her dad are peas in a pod.
If hes so great, he can have her there. At 19 she should be moving on anyway, so if shes going to act like a prick to you, its time to move on. You deserve peace

but she also so did something wrong by playing mind games saying she failed she’s an adult now no excuse to goad someone to react so I apologies to her for my part it may not seem sincere from me because she hasn’t apologised for her part and just Because she’s ‘my child’ doesn’t mean I have to do all the apologising she does to I am hurt and upset that she pranked me but my feelings are not valid because I’m the mother in this situation

Learn from this thread that this is absolutely not the right reaction to your child failing. “Told you so, it’s your fault.” Is fine to think but not the time and place, it’s cruel and not helpful. You give some empathy and then at a later date talk about applying yourself better in future.

@JustSamantha seems she has learned a lot of abusive behaviour from her Dad and you are responding in a similar way so the manipulation will carry on. She’s taunting you with the £600. She won’t stop while you keep responding. She shouldn’t have lied about her results, if she was lying. And she can’t moan having lied if you were confused and responded a bit harshly (although if she didn’t attend etc then it’s her own fault). And she should be contributing financially. Frankly I’d be moving and leaving her behind if she won’t leave - she isn’t going to change because she thinks you will give in. In the end you not standing up to her could mean the younger ones disrespect you in the same way.

Op you have made multiple posts recently about your ex and daughter and received similar advice. You need to take a long hard look at YOURSELF.
You have previously said you feel resentment for your daughter and it sounds like your relationship is one where she expects negative responses from you. You gave her that negative response to her results. She sees that as validation that you are indeed not supportive of her - which you can’t be if you are feeling resentment.
I think you could do with counselling to work through these feelings towards your daughter. You should be her number 1 supporter. Not looking to point out all her failings.
I say this kindly! You will no doubt think mumsnet is full of bullies which is how all your posts seem to end but honestly you need to face the fact you need to change your behaviour if you want this situation to change and have a better relationship with your dd

None of this is going to get any better OP if you carry on thinking like this.

Sounds like you stopped parenting this one a while ago

It's hard when you see characteristics of someone who was abusive towards you in a shared child, but further rejecting that child is not the way to fix it.

I can’t imagine being so uninterested in my child’s education that I wouldn’t set an alarm for 7:50am to be awake and ready to sit with my child at 8am and be with them for their exam results and support their emotional reaction to them, good or bad.

Do you work nights OP, is that why you were so deeply asleep? Why are you so disengaged from your child’s education? She’s asking you to get involved, she wants you to be there for her. Whilst her prank was childish, she’s still a teenager and therefore likely to be childish in nature.

But she’s obviously poking you and hoping for a reaction to show that you care.

How long did your DD live in that environment before it ended? I think that you've got to acknowledge the emotional damage that has done, you've all lived with abuse. You've over reacted to her messing about, she hasn't played mind games. Children who griw up in abuse, are emotionally immature for longer. There seems to be a massive lack of kindness, understanding and affection from you, that could be because you are an abuse survivor. The apologising needs to stop and conversations need to start. It would be helpful if you go onto relationships and 'we took you to stately homes' and read the links. Also read around repairing parent/child relationships after living with abuse. Be honest about what's happened. You need to show her you love her, yes it can be one way because you are still parenting a young person. Your communication style needs to change. You need to think 'what's helpful here' before you reply, if criticism and blame has become your go to.

Help with studying haha she’s 19 not 13 😂😂 I attended all her college meetings which showed I cared but it is never good enough for her

I'm not saying that she is totally innocent in this situation, but you can't control her behaviour, you can only control your own. So I suggest that that's what you focus on.

It seems like the dad has really affected her in how she views you and that’s really sad. There are definitely more positive ways for the both of you to approach communication but if he is and has been actively criticising you’re losing before you even start because she will take that in and it will influence her thoughts whether she’s conscious of it or not. Maybe try to be extra conscious of positive affirmations with her to try to reverse some of the damage. And be consistent to prove to her that what he says is wrong.

Would it have been your very first response though? Definitely a conversation to have, but would it have been the very first thing to say? And would it be a conversation you and your child would having over text in the same house? Lots of communication issues here making it harder for the OP and her daughter to put things in a better place.

Do you actually like/love your daughter OP? Do you want a relationship with her?

She set you up to fail and you did.
What you said was really horrible OP.
It was a cruel prank but I think what you said was worse.
It wasn't just unkind in the moment, it was judgemental and deeply unsupportive.

@JustSamantha

66% of people voted YANBU
Many people on here have given good advice. Don’t engage with the negative comments but take them on board Unless you have lived with an manipulator people won’t understand.

You are not being unreasonable and she is behaving awfully and emotionally/ psychologically
abusive.

self reflection is crucial but don’t be gaslighted into thinking this is a you issue. You could have answered better - yes. But you didn’t say “serves you right you insufferable cow” .

She shouldn’t have “pranked” you it’s ridiculous/ pathetic you do rhave that easy going relationship she was setting you up to fail what ever you said. Even if you had been sympathise she may have twisted it to be “I can’t believe you thought I’d failed /you don’t believe I can do anything /you hate me…”

She just needs to be kind.

Lots of people will fake a fail before saying just kidding! It’s an established unfunny joke. It’s not that deep. The normal response would be oh no! I’m so sorry, and then they say just kidding!!! I passed, and everyone is happy.

Your response was mean, then you doubled down refusing to believe she passed, so she was mean back. You keep making excuses but just acknowledge it was out of order

OP, you have got to let this go now. You might not think this is fair, but you’re still the parent in this situation. Go to your DD, tell her you understand she’s upset, that you meant it when you apologised but you won’t be apologising again. Tell her you’re proud of her for getting the apprenticeship. And tell her once she’s settled in to it, you’ll need to have an adult conversation about what you expect from each other in terms of support and contributions to the household chores and finances.

I don’t point her failings out at all. She failed some of her GCSEs and my response was ‘it’s ok there is other options, you can resit and still get into college ‘
I was very supportive but on this occasion it was one thing after another a genuine mistake I’ve apologised for but it’s never good enough simple as
it’s the facts she originally told me she failed and if caught me off guard yet I’m the worse person

You are behaving very childishly then expecting your daughter not to behave childishly. If she's too old for pranks (she is ) then you're too old for sulking and passive aggressive 'oh I have to beg on my knees while everyone kicks me' nonsense.

Your daughter is not her dad, she's not to blame for how he treated you or for what she learned about how to behave from him. And it's not fair that you have to pick up the pieces but you're her mum, so you do.

If you want a relationship with your daughter that is, because from your posts I'm not sure you do. It seems like you want everyone to agree with you that's she's a bully and lazy and whatever, so you feel justified in writing her off. She's your child, do you want to repair this or not? Because if you do, you will have to change your behaviour before she changes hers, because you're the parent.

Your DD sounds pretty insufferable, but your response to her telling you she'd failed was nasty. But I can also see how that response might come at the end of a long list of grievances.
It sounds like she's best off moving in with her so-called perfect father.

That's exactly it. You are living your life with your daughter as though your horrible partner is still your partner. And in a way he still is as you share your daughter. Have you ever had support about how he treated you and made you feel? You will get nowhere with your daughter if you keep weighing her behaviour with you against her behaviour with her father and finding it unfair. It is unfair, but your relationship with her father is yours not hers. Do the Freedom programme or something similar and frame your relationship with your daughter, separate from her Dad. Yes he will always be there, but you need to develop skills so his words and influence have no impact on your reactions to your daughter. It is very hard, but it will make you and your daughter happier and you deserve that.