Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

No I just know your type.

You think you are amazing for doing something pretty run of the mill and you want money off your daughter to pay your way.

You did your duty, you had a child.Bloody look after it. You don't deserve a medal for it. You're one of those mums.

But the OP has already said that she will lose her universal credit and child maintenance, so if you add that to the extra cost of food/water/energy etc it may add up to half. OP could rent a smaller property if her dd didn’t live there, so there’s that difference to take into account too.

Is she happy to pay
If so I don’t see an issue
My eldest finished Un last year and was home for 6 months before moving for her grad job
I didn’t charge her as I didn’t need the money (no longer paying her £1100 a month uni costs) but it she had stayed long term sh would have paid something

@mumofoneAloneandwell

you would go without what? Makeup? Clothes? Days out? Food?

Half of living costs might be a bit much. What does this mean? I would say charge what it costs for here to live there I.e. the extra food, the extra electricity etc.

RE the commune: I’ve always thought that would be a lovely way to live, but 5 minutes perusing the vicious, smug and judgemental posts on Mumsnet changes my mind.

I think you’re perfectly justified and if you and your daughter are happy with it, you don’t need anyone else’s approval. If she didn’t want to pay her share living with you, the alternative is paying her share living elsewhere. She’s decided not to do that, which sounds like a testament to your good relationship.

I'm so sorry you're facing such harsh criticism on this post. You're absolutely doing the right thing, and the fact that your daughter is happy with the arrangement speaks volumes about the way you've raised her. At 20, she’s more than capable of understanding the challenges you've faced over the years—and clearly, she respects and appreciates your efforts.
Shame on those trying to diminish your choices just because they feel superior managing on two incomes. Life isn’t that straightforward for many families, and your approach is teaching your daughter something far more valuable: how to manage money wisely, adapt with grace, and support one another through real-life circumstances.

Some of you on this thread are bizarrely aggressive and hostile

YANBU. I’m all for kids contributing in some way towards the household bills if they are earning.

dd2 earns more than I do and she gives me 200 a month plus pays for Disney plus and her phone bill. In return I do her washing, cook and drive her to and from work everyday. (I also work but different shifts)

she has more than enough money to save and has done.

without it I’d really struggle.

for the first time in her life she appreciates how hard running a house is, what it’s like to work and has told me that she never realised what I’d gone though to keep a roof over their heads. She even does housework now 😂.

You’re not being harsh. It’s fair for your daughter to contribute now she’s earning, especially since you’re on the same wage. Covering her share of living costs while still saving a bit is a reasonable balance for both of you.

The amount of moronic comments on here is just mind-blowing! You'd rather sit in the dark eating cuppa soups? Sure you would.
Op, I think a lot of these comments are coming from people who have never had to struggle. Bringing a child up on your own for 19 years is bloody hard work and you've done it, be proud. Your daughter sounds amazing and yes, she is a credit to you - and herself.
I completely understand why you need her to contribute to 50% of the bills. I'm not sure why that doesn't make sense to other posters 🙄

Blimey OP, the dickheads were out in force last night.

You're doing nothing wrong at all.

If you could spare any of what she gives you, even £10, save it for her and give her back to help when she gets a house. You will be more reliable savings than she can be.

Don't feel bad. You're losing a lot of income as she becomes an adult, so she has to pay to live. If she moved out she'd have to pay more as you said.

In return I do her washing, cook and drive her to and from work everyday.

You don’t need to do her washing and lifts in return for the money. The money is her contribution to living costs, she should be independent and do her own washing and should take turns cooking.

YANBU. You need your Dd to contribute, and half of living costs is not unreasonable, and if she’s happy to pay, there is no issue.

Dd and I went on a little city break abroad this summer. Possible because she paid her half and I paid mine.
First ' proper' holiday we have had.
If she hated me id very much doubt she would have suggested it, or that we hope to repeat it next year.

HOW DARE I SPEND MONEY ON A RYANAIR FLIGHT. 🤣

Wth did I just read 😳

The lack of self-awareness from some is mind-boggling.

I've read all of your posts and yes, you are projecting.

I agree with that. I don't think it's particularly helping with growing her daughter's independence to do everything for her. Washing and cooking should be shared by aged 20.

I paid my mum as soon as I started working. And now I take her on holidays with my family and pay for her. It makes me happy to treat her.

Actually, this is a very good idea and achievable. Its not much but it's some and will help towards something when she does move out. Thank you for that!

Totally agree.

I think you need to have an adult conversation with your daughter about this because the dynamics of the household are changing, i.e. instead of it being a mother / daughter arrangement, it needs to reflect the fact that it's 2 adults on roughly the same wage.

I'd say that it's perfectly reasonable for the dynamics to reflect an economic parity. However, everything has to be taken into account, e.g. people doing their own laundry, their fair share of cleaning and cooking, etc. Being mum at this age is an emotional role not a financial one - which is why all benefits and other support disappears.

Congratulations to your daughter on her apprenticeship. You've obviously done a grand job.

My own personal experience is largely irrelevant to this. My daughter who's in her late 20s, returned home (which WE rent) and she suggested £300 per month (about 20% of her wages). We provide 3 meals a week. She self supports in everything else. We agreed this because we wanted her to be able to save.

I cannot believe how unpleasant some PPs have been.
OP has said that her DD contribution is 30% of her wage.
That is in line with the how I was taught that 1/3 wages should be saved, 1/3 bills and 1/3 on myself.
The 3rd covers 50% of adult living costs to stay at home.
OP - do not seek approval from strangers as you will always get the weird martyr people who would not dream of charging their children. She is young adult, and you are teaching her good life lessons about how much things cost - and how to budget. We don't all have load of money to subsidise our children. Mine have already been told that our plan at retirement is to downsize to a hoise further north and live off the capital- if as adults they do not want this to happen they will need to pay rent.

My rule is £300pm or a quarter of take home pay - whichever is the larger. It's been £300 for the last 15 years!

But then I do save the money and put it in their SIPP each April.

In no way are you a terrible person. Your daughter is now a working adult, and as such I believe you pay your way, or at least make a reasonable, regular agreed contribution towards living expenses. It’s good for her to learn as an adult there are no free rides.

i also think she should now be responsible for her own laundry