Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

This is an awful thing to say to someone. I cannot tell you the amount of sacrifice ive made, gladly. I've given her everything I can. We are exceptionally close abd ive supported her with so many challenging things, putting myself in harms way to protect her.

But sure, judge away because at 47 id like a bloody pension!

I think she should pay something but not half of all costs. Presumably if she wasn’t there your costs wouldn’t halve.
look at what the incremental cost of having her there is. You could possibly add a bit more to it but I don’t think you should be trying to profit from her.

I’m 40, went to university but had PT job since I was 16. I gave my (single) Mum dig money all through that. Even as a child. Even working PT while studying FT. My Mum didn’t need the money. I gave it to her anyway. Of course your DD should pay her way.

I don’t think this thread is helping you OP. You seem happy with your decision, your daughter is happy to pay, you have a good relationship with her. Ignore your friend, stop asking for our opinions and just get on with it. It doesn’t matter what we think really.

She needs her to contribute in order for them both to continue living in their home. It's really quite simple and I'm astonished at the lack of understanding on here.

She isn’t being terribly consistent though.

OP states she would not be living in a three bedroom property were it not for her daughter. She would downsize to a one bedroom and save money by not having to rent a family home to accommodate a second person. Hence part of the reason to charge her daughter, since it’s for her benefit OP continues to live in this property. Fair enough.

But then OP claims that downsizing would not save her any money because their home is well below market rent.

So which is it?

My 18 Yr old wants to take a gap year before uni, and I'm going to expect her to pay towards her living costs. I'll be losing my single person council tax discount, child benefit, and child maintenance, I can't afford such a big drop and to fully subsidise her.

I wouldn't save anything moving into a 2 bed with dd in tow.

I obviously would if I moved into a 1 bed and utilities etc were just for 1 person.

You are just being pedantic.

That's what happened to me, and she's also convinced herself that her daughter is on the cusp of an amazing career where she's going to earn loads

She's starting an apprenticeship - it's not as if she's got a training contract at a top law firm where she's going to be earning six figures

she's not even started yet, and she has no idea how she's going to go.

She absolutely is seeing it as an income stream for herself. Because she says

I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

She won't post how much she's planning to take or what her daughter's income is.

By way, of example, my mum's local authority house had a rent of a thousand pounds a month. Mum took £750 a month off me and still she complained it wasn't enough though I was also buying all my food and hers a lot of the time. I bought her lunches and took her out every weekend.I took her out for birthdays, and I had to take her out and pay for it on my birthday too.

It caused nothing but arguments because when she started on me about money, I reminded her that if I m meant to be paying half the rent and half the bills, well, a half the rent was £500 & as im giving her £750 , that means i'm paying £250 a month for bills & the utility bills were not £500 pounds a month. She told me to shut up and don't be ridiculous when I raised this with her but wouldn't show me statements for how much the bills were.

So stuff it I left and moved to a cheaper area, and split run and bills.Three ways with women, my own age and I could actually have boyfriends and friends back. As it was in mum's house, she controlled, who came in.If she wanted her friends or her older daughter and grandchildren in, I had to host them and pay for it as well. I got told I could get out of her house if I thought I was going to use it as an entertainments centre. My name wasn't on the lease or the rental agreement.And I had zero rights.

Don't get me started on my older sister, whom my mother never, ever charged that much money when she lived at home. Mum took a token amount off her favourite and then decided that I should pay half well more than half.

Think it's quite distasteful, how it's been decided that this young lady is going to have an amazing lucrative career when she hasn't even started. No one knows what's going to happen.I wish her the best of luck, but you just don't know what's going to happen. It does sound as if the mum is jealous as my mom was of me for daring to make some decent money, I would have thought she'd wanted that for me

Is quite distasteful, how they think there should be a reward for what they Ve done. You didn't do anything exceptional you brought your child up. He did what was expected of you and what is expected of any parent. Parenting comes with sacrifice. Sorry you didn't like that and now want to return on what you paid for.

Ignore the idiots - 82% agree with you. Also well done - sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job raising a wonderful daughter (with no real support). I really admire you 💐

Your dd sounds level headed and happy to live at home.
You've raised her well.
Hope you manage to get something saved for yourself.

O.P, what you are suggesting is completely logical and sensible. I'm shocked at the negative comments. I'll be honest, I am fortunate enough to be in a position where I probably won't need to charge keep for my children but that doesn't mean I wouldn't if I needed to. I think you should be SO proud of yourself. Your daughter is a credit to you and how you brought her up and the sacrifices you made for her. Also, you said how she doesn't mind paying towards her living costs, no she doesn't, because again you have brought her up to be a sensible, clever young lady who understands life and is respectful to you.

Seriously ignore the negative comments and as I said well done on single handedly raising a sensible young lady who at such a young age is already on a great career path, is kind and sensible etc. That is down to no one but you.

Edited for typos!

You have a pension and you have 1200 a month spare.

Your daughter isn't a solution to your failure to financially plan. Pensions aren't a new concept.

If your daughter was on minimum wage or at uni you wouldn't be expecting anything. You are already turning into one of those parents that expects their kids to look after them in old age.

Your daughter is a credit to you and how you brought her up and the sacrifices you made for her

We only have her word for how their relationship is. Mums like this often have an inflated self of importance for what they've done, which is just what was expected of them. Might be quite surprised how their children really see it

I hate that expression: your daughter is a credit to you - no she is a credit to herself. Her mother did not do her school work and pass her exams or get her a job. Don't ever say that a child is a credit to their parents.

I am not being "pedantic".

This is what I meant earlier when I questioned why someone who was so convinced that they were right had bothered to post on a message board called Am I being unreasonable?, a question you refused to address and instead declared you were leaving the thread.

You are irritable towards anyone who doesn't declare 100% allegiance with your position.

You were the one, who, when another poster queried how you would afford to remain living in the three bedroom property once your daughter moves out, replied with:

When she does move out.... I dont quite know. Hopefully I will hsve built some savings, been promoted. Met someone.

That does make it sound like you are indeed on the bones of your arse and dependent on your daughter's input to remain in the property. Obviously you are going to get questions about this when you reveal that the property is actually well below market rent - and your daughter moves out, then the utilities and associated costs will also decrease, and you'll get your 25% discount back.

I can't see the problem Op. It's a realistic and fair way to split living costs with another adult.
Why do parents treat their adult offspring as children now?

I don't have a pension.

Please read before you throw personal insults around.

Logically think, why might I want to start a pension and savings? For the very reason that I don't want dd to feel a single ounce of responsibility to me when im much older.

God She's also hoping to meet someone.So she's looking for some other poor sod to pay her way.

Onepinkdeer, I think you have personal issues that you are projecting onto me.

You’re doing the right thing. I’m sure it annoys you too as, if you could afford it, you would happily be charging her nothing like more privileged posters. You shouldn’t feel bad about it, and I think it sounds ridiculous when people say you should be continuing to financially cripple yourself to help her to save for a deposit while you both live in the family home which is rented. There is a different dynamic when the parent has an asset that they are asking the child to pay towards, but that’s not happening here.

It was HER MOTHER who brought her up! So if her daughter worked hard for her exams, understood the importance of hard work etc then that is mainly down to her mother. She is a credit to herself and HER Mother!

Wow so much negativity for this woman. However I am sure she is sensible enough to rise above the ridiculous negative comments!

So what's the state pension? Everyone will have a pension. It might be a lower amount because of what you ve paid in, but you ll have it.

You don't have zero pension.You don't have a private pension, is what you mean

Goodness me OP, you sound like a cracking mum, you’ve worked really bloody hard and I think it’s very fair that utilities and bills should be split 50/50. She can and is happy to share those costs, well done for bringing up a well adjusted young woman who’s got a great career and morals.

It sounds like you think you are being reasonable and your dd is happy to pay half of living costs. But I'd personally consider a few things in your situation .
Presumably you don't want dd to be in your situation as she gets older. Her keeping more of her disposable income means she can save a larger deposit for a house, beneficial when she comes to buy. I imagine you don't want dd to still be a renter in 20 years time.
She may have no intention of moving out 'for years' right now. But she's almost 20. Things change.
You mention downsizing when dd moves out but you've also said your current rent is low due to being a tenant so long. So the money you will save by downsizing may not be significant.
There will be a point where dd does move out (and that may only be in a year or two, depending on where her life takes her). How will your finances look at that stage. It may come as a shock to be down half of all the costs.
So truthfully, I'd only take as much from dd as absolutely necessary. Not just for her future, but also so I hadn't become reliant on money that is going to disappear at some point.

I passed my exams and got into a decent career with zero input from my mother. She couldn't have given a shit.

Sounds like all this woman cares about is herself and her money and how much he's given up and she describes herself as being financially screwed because she had a child it sounds as if you have wishes she hadn't had her.

She might have put the ethic there, but I don't believe it but it's the daughter that put the work in.She's not a credit to her mother.She's a credit to herself.

Yes. How dare I want a relationship after 20 years on my own. How terrible of me.

Honestly, you are rude.