Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

@HoppingPavlova

let me get you a medal for being such a martyr.

jokes.

like fuck would you sit in the dark eating cuppa soups…

you just wouldn’t. So how dare you try and make OP feel guilty for not wanting to.

Honestly OP you are teaching your daughter a valuable lesson here. She needs to understand that her living costs must be paid and she needs to learn how to budget.

In my experience, people who don’t teach their children this lesson end up with adult children who are entitled, grasping leeches who refuse to stand on their own two feet - usually counting on their inheritance to solve all their problems. In fact most of the time, they seem disgruntled that their parents aren’t dying quick enough so they can get their hands on it.

I come from quite a deprived background, one of 4 children and the 1st of all my extended family to go to uni. Working part time while studying was how I funded those years and even then I contributed to the household expenses by paying “dig money”. Once graduated and working full time I was able to increase my contribution and still save enough to get a deposit for a house. My parents could not afford to keep me and to be honest shouldn’t have been expected to. We are not talking 40 years ago, this was in 2010 so tough credit crunch times.

A younger cousin went to uni a few years later. His parents covered all expenses and he wasn’t expected to find a part time job while studying. 13 years later, he works full time but still lives with his parents. He’s 35 but doesn't pay anything towards his keep, his parents still pay his phone bill. When he fancies a takeaway, he comes looking for his dad’s debit card to pay for it.

They taught him nothing, I honestly pity any woman that ends up taking him on as he will just bleed her dry. His parents are both in their 60s now, working heavy physical jobs and they feel like they have to delay retirement as they can’t afford to keep all 3 of them in the lifestyle he’s accustomed to.

You are doing the right thing for both you and your daughter.

I think she should make a contribution but not split the bills. I'm guessing you will still be making all the major decisions in the home and if you decide you want to live separately it will be her that has to move, not you, so if it's not equal ownership of the home it shouldn't be equal contribution. I also agree with your friend that you should be supporting your DD to be able to save for a house deposit so she can go and live independently and build up some assets.

OP if I were you, I'd ignore this thread and stop spending energy on it. If you have a good relationship with your daughter this arrangement sounds perfect for both of you. Get wise about money and help each other to save and also enjoy life a bit more now that the financial aspect is better.
Well done for leaving the abusive relationship, that takes a lot of courage and strength. Another reason to be proud of yourself is that you looked after your daughter well, unlike others who keep having kids without being able to offer them a good life.
You don't need validation from strangers who might have fun being mean - it's sad sometimes what you see on these forums.
Get your validation from within yourself, move forward with head held high and look after each other, it makes me happy at the thought that life will be better for both of you. Keep well, a new stage of your life opens up, embrace it. I wish you and your daughter the very best xx

Could you put some money in a Sipp, which is a private pension for you whilst your daughter is giving you some of the costs.
The government then add some money to it. Then if you can’t afford to in the future when your daughter moves out at least you will have something.
Try and get you self a little emergency fund together and then focus on the sipp. Hopefully you can replace a few bits that need replacing like clothes etc.

Then maybe you could talk to your daughter about financial planning and see if she could save up for a part buy/ part rent flat or something like that. I know people criticise the scheme but I brought a flat that way many years ago and it was fine.

Whether it’s reasonable or not to charge an adult child rent depends on your situation. If you need to then you need to.

You sound a lovely mum and you are not being unfair on your dd - the sad fact is life isn’t fair!

My own mum ended up financially like you and with terrible ill health on top of it. I paid keep from 18 as soon as I got my uni maintenance grants. I sent her money even when not living with her and had she lived longer I’d be helping her now.

Was it fair that we were both in this situation, no! I had friends with free cars, free flats, bank accounts topped up - all funded by the bank of mum and dad. I didn’t even keep my own loan money. But was it fair that my mum spent her entire life poor whilst my dad lived the life of riley and paid nothing towards us being self employed? No. Was it fair she fought for every benefit she ever got whilst others totally screwed every loophole in the system - no! Was it fair she didn’t even live till 60 absolutely burnt out by life - no!

I look back now with nothing but compassion and gratitude for my mum. I’m sure your dd will too. It also instilled in me a great work ethic, fierce independence and excellent money management skills which I think people being constantly given hand outs from parents never learn.

Most of the utilities wont halve if dd isn’t there

If dm expects half then dd will look around for somewhere cheaper then dm will be left with £0

Thank you. I felt very secure in the decision until my friend really laid into me last night. I was strung out on caffeine and new hrt meds and couldn't sleep.

Note to self, dont post on my at night. Feel like I probably should report some of the nastier posts.

Anyway, i dont get to make major decisions on the home, because it's rented. Dd has always been included in any ideas for house bits and bobs, even from a young age, because why wouldn't she, it's our home.

I was painting my bedroom furniture last weekend, dd wants hers done too so I'll do it to surprise her. Ill still do her washing, there are 2 of us it's churlish to not. Work smarter not harder and all that. And im her mum, so if I can make her life a bit nicer, I will.

I was renting a flat and paying my own way by 21. I don't see the difference if your daughter stays at home and pays her way. I think its fine for her to pay her half of the household bills at 20 years old and working full time. I'm sure you would love to be in a position where you don't charge her anything and help her save for a house but you aren't so it would be irresponsible to not now start concentrating on your own future...otherwise she will be providing for you in your retirement. There were some nasty people posting on here over night. I would keep with your plan and ignore!

I think by doing this OP you are teaching DD some financial responsibility, which is great. Whilst in some places even on a really good wage young people really struggle and could not afford to save and pay for their upkeep, that clearly isn't the case here. You and DD can both help each other out financially whilst you are also on hand still to provide wider support particularly emotional/advice. So I personally would ignore those who are saying you are wrong. Friends who are lecturers say that university students, as compared to years gone by, are now a bag of nerves and really struggle to be independent. I would strongly suspect that a large proportion of those young people haven't been given incremental responsibility in the way they needed to build their confidence.

We were also very poor growing up and and my parents always took about 30% of my wages. when I was able to contribute more I felt huge pride, for example paying for central heating to be fixed or paying for a family holiday. After all I benefited from these things too.
Your DD will know how tough things are and you and her are happy with the arrangement it's no one else's business.
My eldest DC make a smaller contribution, mainly towards food as running costs of house would be pretty much the same whether they were there or not and our financial situation is different to yours.
We have bought our own home and I'd like our DC to do the same so hoping they can save for a house deposit as it is harder to buy a house now.
Do you own your own home? Ideally it would be good to be able to save for a deposit whilst living at home.
Can she drive? Learning to drive and running a car is also an important step in adulthood so again I would want to leave them with sufficient money to do this.

I'm sure you are already doing this, but you also need to think about the future if you can't afford to stay in your current home once she moves out.

It's not DDs fault you've struggled financially throughout her childhood, you do sound bitter about that.

But congratulations on raising a wonderful DD who is kind and responsible and has completed an apprenticeship and sounds like she's on a good career path and wage for her age group.

In the circumstances you describe I think it's fine for DD to pay half the living costs, she's still very young and many young people are still financially dependent on their parents at that age, so she will be an outlier in her age group but if you genuinely can't afford to subsidise and she's happy with the arrangement then it's all good and no one else's business.

Don't worry OP
I used to pay my mum similar and I did feel it was slightly too much but I could see it was neccassary. When I moved out about 5 years later, I thought I was going to be so rich 🤣
Actually I had so much less.
I only had to give my mum a certain amount and then I didnt have to do anything or buy anything for the house.
When I moved out, every cup that breaks was on me, and the washing machine etc
It took me a few years to get my bearings.
Ignore everyone, this is the age of austerity

Discuss it with her, not MN.

As a single parent with disabled children (which means I am stuck on part time work) I totally sympathise with the cliff edge nature of the benefits system. In my case it is likely to be even worse because my children may well struggle to get work.

However, I don't understand why you haven't been saving into pension. If you have an NHS job the pension options are supposed to be good, and as UC is contributed on take home pay its a very cheap way of doing it.

Also - you say the contributions from your dd are equal to what you've lost from UC/CB/CM. But also she's now paying for her own clothes, phone etc. So you are looking at a situation where you are financially better off overall. I think that's too much.

What an absolutely disgusting thing to say.
I can only presume you are childless, and young, which is presumably why you have absolutely no idea what it takes to bring up a child by yourself.
Once you do get life experience, I hope you also achieve a level of maturity that involves empathy.

Stop justifying yourself to these out of touch trolls.
I was your daughter in this situation and I gratefully paid half, happy to ease the burden on my mum who I knew gave up so much to raise me and happy to was cheaper than doing it alone privately. I was grateful I could live at home, and happy to pay. And I didn't resent my mum because I used my first wage to take her on holiday.
People won't understand as they haven't been in the situation. You're doing the right thing. People who haven't been in your shows won't understand.
And it didn't stop me buying a house as I got my first one alone and saved for the deposit alone at 27 (4 years ago).

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP, your daughter is an adult and would probably pay more in a house share. In an ideal world you would own your own home & charge her less & she could save for her own home but not everyone has this luxury. I hope she loves her apprenticeship as they are hard to get & hopefully your budgeting skills over the years have rubbed off on her.

OP ignore your friend.
You sound like an amazing mum, who has sacrificed everything to raise a wonderful daughter.
Mumsnet is a brutal place sometimes, people feel free to write anything they like because of the anonymity, I’m also a single parent who has raised a wonderful dd, and I totally get the unrelenting grind of it.
It doesn’t matter one bit what people say on here, or what your friend thinks. What’s important is what your dd thinks, and from the sounds of it you are a team, and she will be proud to contribute, and forever grateful for her wonderful mum.
Sending you love and solidarity x

What a horrible thread this has been. I remember when Mumsnet used to be a place for support, some of the posters on here are just plain nasty and I bet they wouldn’t say these things to your face. They should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree with a previous poster, I was brought up on 1/3 for keep 1/3 to save 1/3 to spend.

I just wanted to say how wonderful your relationship with your DD sounds @123dontcomeatme and the fact that she is happy to pay the agreed amount just shows how sensible and understanding she is.

FWIW we don’t really need to charge my DC rent (I say we because there are 2 of us and my DH has his own business) however, we do, because I believe that teaches financial independence. It’s not a nominal amount either, it’s enough to make him miss it otherwise what’s the point?

If I was on my own I absolutely would need to up the amount and there’s absolutely no way I’d be eating cuppa soups in the dark to enable a spoilt brat who thinks they don’t have to pay their way in life.

You are doing absolutely the right thing and if you are able to save a little bit from her money (I saw £10 mentioned) I think that would be a really nice touch.

Wow people on here are awful!
OP, if your household needs her to contribute then that’s what should happen, end of! What I did with my adult DC has absolute relevance to your situation. You and your daughter are happy with the set up so its no one else’s business.

Let me know if you start the conmune, I'm in!

When you say half of living costs is that half the rent bills and food, or just half the bills and food?

i personally would take half bills and food, but not rent/mortgage. Maybe a token about towards that because honestly, if she’s house sharing with her mum she could pay the same doing that with a friend and then you’re going to very paying all the bills. I think staying at home should have some privileges.

Jesus wept…some of the comments on this thread are insane. Including living in a one bed with a pull down bed…eating a cuppa soup in the dark…doing everything possible to make sure the OP doesn’t spend a single penny on living costs…DD didn’t ask to be born.

This is the real world and some posters are so out of touch. Of course she should pay towards living costs, she is an adult and she needs to learn adult/life skills to survive in the real world. If we lived by Mumsnet rules parents should be supporting adult children well into their 20/30s which is insane. Great if you can afford it but you are not teaching your children valuable life skills.

I’m on your side OP, while I can’t offer any advice on how you support yourself in the future, you’ve sacrificed your life and it’s time your DD starts to contribute so you have the means to think about your future plans.

Get some sleep @123dontcomeatme
You’ve been up absolutely all night arguing with randoms on the internet. You’ll feel shit today and you’ve not achieved anything. If you had some drinks whilst you were out with your friend you’ll feel even worse.
Everyone will still be here to argue with later.

As far as im aware, clothes and fun money isnt included in room rent should she move out?

Of course she will pay that herself. Why the fuck would I be buying clothes for an adult on the same wage as me! I have to buy my own clothes 🤣

Ill treat her to the odd thing, obviously.

Ellisgrey, massive congratulations. You should be super proud of yourself ❤️

And fyi to the live on cup a soup in the dark crew. How sustainable do you think that would be? And how long before social services are involved for self neglect, putting the child at risk. Don't be ridiculous.