Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

Do employers in the UK not have to pay superannuation to staff? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding the pension question. Here in Australia our employers must pay min 12% into our chosen fund and most people put more in as salary sacrifice too. Our old age pension isn't much about 550 a week so not enough to live on.

My ' vast' surplus. Yes

People also can't do maths.
They hsve calculated this vast surplus but then forgotten what im loosing which will be replaced by dds contribution.

If I then rejoin my pension scheme that money will be an awful lot less. Id like to save a buffer for when things break. My 25 year old car isnt going to last forever.

None of this is unreasonable of me. I am struggling to understand why some people think it is.

I think it depends on each individual situation, and your financial position. I charge my son a low nominal amount in board, not because I need the money, but just to start teaching him financial responsibility I guess. He works full time, and is working towards leaving home in the next year or so, as wants independence. But your situation is different. You need the money so it’s fine that you should ask for an appropriate amount contributing towards household bills.

Paying her way I agree with, but if she chose to pay half with a friend and move out how would you cope? I think she could pay less, save up to move out but that also gives you some money

And she’s also very very rude to comment on how people deal with their adult DC. I wouldn’t do that at all. Other people I know charged theirs twice what we charged our DS. That’s their business and presumably reflects their circumstances. We charged DS £200 a month which is what he was costing us in food and electricity. We could easily afford not to charge him anything but he had plenty left to save, and we believed he should pay something. If any of my friends had berated me for that they would no longer be my friend.

I think instead of charging your daughter a pretty high amount of 'board' you need to concentrate on a more sustainable way to increase your incomings.

I don't want to lay it on any thicker than others have but you do seem to see your daughters board as an income stream.

Charging her this amount will help you in the short term but she will move out and you will be left in a lot worse situation.

Have a think about a side huddle, evening job etc, with the cost of living these days we all have to think outside of the box and work more than we would like to.

Have you read any of this thread?
I would move. I wouldn't stay in this house by myself. Or would take a lodger.

Id dd paid less I could just about manage, but id have no chance of improving my future. She is at the start.of a career where she is going to be very successful. I've helped her get there, we are now in a place where we can help each other and yes, maybe I can breathe a bit for the first time in 19 years..

Agree with this, she’s just starting out and shouldn’t be paying half.

It’s not your daughters fault that you feel screwed, she didn’t ask to be born!

Fine to charge rent, but how on earth is she meant to save for a deposit if you take half.

You sound jealous of her, I could never do this to my daughter.

I have a disability. Working full time is an achievement in itself.

Also, I don't see her contribution as an income stream. Its her supporting herself. As an adult in a well paying job

I personally wouldn't do this. I think she should contribute to living cost but not rent or mortgage. How would you manage without her living there?

Well she didn't ask to be born and we typically want better for our kids so id pay 75% but with the expectation of DD saving.a certain percentage for her future.

its the entitlement of "why should i" that annoys me. IMO, its not why should you, but why wouldnt you want to if you know yourself how difficult the market is to give your child the best possible footing.

if DD is saving, a 25% contribution is reasonable. If she's spaffing it on fags and booze then I'd sympathise with the 50%. But it doesn't sound that way.

We have kids because we want them and we want them to do well and be happy.

It's in everyone's interest dd to stay at home. If she moves out then her mum will have to 100% of rent and bills and will probably be less willing to move into an hmo than her daughter or move in a lodger. Only utilities and food will be half the cost. OPs rent, Internet, TV etc will still be the same price, Council tax may only be a small single person reduction.

If she wants half from DD, it will be cheaper and easier for DD to move into lodgings. And the OP is in the same situation, bar some moderate utility and food savings, unless she wants to downsize or get a lodger.

Oh yikes, it's not your daughters responsibility at 19 and at the begining of her working life to help you out financially, sorry but you can't be relying on her.

She has a house of her own to think of, children, wedding costs etc.

Since you split everything 50/50, and she has 1.2k disposable every month, I assume you have the same (you say you earn the same).

OP needs to plan for her future without basing it on charging her daughter and saving/investing that. Her daughter could decide to move out sooner than planned and then what. She says she’ll downsize bit also says her rent is super cheap due to the time sh3 has rented so that won’t help much. OP needs to find more income that isn’t her daughter’s rent which could disappear at any time. And there is something drastically wrong if OP can’t save money with £800 per month spare after rent, bills and food.

Well done for not putting up with this kind of shitty behaviour.

I haven't had anything yet as shes still waiting for a start date.

You may not see it that way, but it is what it is.

I think if you weren’t on UC and would already be paying the rent and bills, then with an adult child at home it’s nice for them just to contribute towards food so they can save for their future.
However, my friend’s mum who was on UC lost most of it when my friend lived at home and started working after uni as it brought the house over the threshold so she had to pay the difference in costs. I thought that was fair as still was getting a better deal than market rent.
I paid £200 a month and then when my sister moved back my mum felt bad having an extra £400 a month so asked us for £115 each as we both did top up shops and most of the cooking. When the golden child older brother moved back he paid and did nothing.

But you are seeing it as an income stream.
You are planning on using it to better your situation, pay pensions etc.
And you said on the other post that it would be good for you to finally help each other out.
When she moves to her own house Of course she is responsible for paying all the bills but whilst still living at home she isn't responsible for the same amount as you, it's not her house.

You aren't improving your future by downsizing or charging a lodger 🙄

You honestly just sound like you have a "what about me" mentality. In a few years dd will have moved out, hold.on til then and you can be proud of seeing her through her childhood and early adulthood.

I had to charge mine what I lost when they moved out of education into work otherwise I couldn’t have run the house and still fed and provided for them.

You lose £95 of rent support each month for each adult child, plus the child element. It is a big drop all at once. I’ve just lost some as my child has left college. I still have my youngest who starts college in September butin two years I’ll be trying to manage on just my wage in a society set up for costs on a two income household. If my children are still with me they will have to help.

I’m preparing for it by looking for better paid work, decorating now and getting rid of any credit card debts. Getting rid of subscription services and trying to save what I can.

Its not my house either!

Its our home. She is using half.
What i mean by being in a position to help each other is that her living here is cheaper and it gives me space in my funds so I can try to build for my future which right now looks pretty bleak.

Like I said this is a very temporary solution, she will move out in the coming years.
You really need to find another way to increase your income.

And what in the house is the OPs by that theory!

Firstly, well done @123dontcomeatme for leaving an abusive bastard, providing your dd with love and security and unlike rafts of MNet, growing a child who you wants to stay at home and who equally wants to stay at home until their mid 20s.

As far as the money goes, I think I'd sit down with your dd and a spreadsheet. I think you both reasonably need to be saving/investing £500pcm. DD for a deposit and you towards a pension.

I'd look at the additional costs of dd living at home first: food, 25% council tax, utilities, probably 25%, any subscriptions you could live without if dd weren't there. That's your base figure to work up from and between you, you reach a contribution that allows you both to live a little and save/invest responsibly. Bearing in mind that your dd is 20, I would likely allow a bit of slack so she can have some fun.

You've been her biggest fan for 20 years. May I gently say that it's brilliant you are still young, and 47 is young. You have a great deal ahead of you and I hope things get easier and you have some fun too. You sound a lovely mum.