Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

Same.
Maybe that's the bit some people don't understand with single parent families. Its not transactional, no one keeps score, it's everyone supports everyone, gladly.

Born from need but actually a much nicer way to be as a family/ person.

And, in ' why single parents struggle financially ' the ex husband has said he is not paying the last payment because he has decided he doesn't agree with the fact its paid in arrears.

Literally nothing I can do about it. Its 150 but that has a massive impact. Last bit of control inforced on me.

Ex husbands move with stopping his payments one month early and hurling all kinds of abuse at me while doing so is maybe the part 2 parent families dont understand.

I've had 20 years of this.
Begging for the absolute minimum from her father and then taking the hit myself so she doesn't miss out ( as much as I can)

I notice not one person on this thread suggested speaking to her father to see if he might support her a bit longer or help her in any way. But no, as a woman it's my fault and on me.

His lack of payment is going to hit really hard. Dd doesn't start her job until jan and is working part time until then. Shes trying to get more hours but it's difficult because they know shes leaving. I have no savings to cover this time and her dad won't even give the bare minimum legal requirement.

I've sat and sobbed this morning.

Well done OP, you sound like a wonderful mother whom has raised a great daughter.

I think she should contribute a token amount to cover her food and rent. When I started working I paid 200 a month. If she’s earning well maybe 300 a month would be fair. This won’t make a huge impact on her to save money for a deposit etc but will help you.

@Blueberry911

would you sit in the dark eating cup a soups rather than have another adult contribute to the running costs of the house in which they live?

Do you mean your UC for DC will stop but surely you will be still getting it for yourself?

Absolutely she should pay towards the house, which be a fraction of the real world of rent and bills so will still have plenty to save. Xx

OP has said she has money to live but wants to start her own savings with this rent?

@Blueberry911

well really it’s for whatever Op decides she wants to do with the money, it’s up to her.

Yeah so she's not sat in the dark eating soup 😂

If they are earning, they are paying. That simple.

It’s a life lesson for them and lessens the shock when they eventually (hopefully) move out.

I got an apprenticeship at 16 (many moons ago) and was earning £375 a month. I gave the £75 to my parents and kept the £300 to myself. I've never been in debt, always paid my bills on time, am able to save money, I would say paying my way then contributed to me being good with money now.

I won't get uc for myself. I get it because im a single parent . Come the end of Aug this will stop. As a household we will be earning too much. Because as a household dd is expected to contribute.

Uc isnt going to sub me so dd can save a house deposit.

I do honestly worry about peoples understanding.
Im not using dds rent to save. Its her living costs.

Im also baffled that someone thinks £200 is enough to cover food and bills. Our food bill ( inc cleaning stuff and most toiletries) is 450 a month. 200 won't even cover half of that. People are throwing around totally unrealistic amounts.

@Blueberry911

read her posts.

You can't do anything else in your circumstances. You can't afford to live together if she isn't contributing. That isn't the position for a lot of other people with higher earnings/ lower outgoings where charging a family member beyond the additional costs they incur just seems mean.

NO, you are NOT being harsh! DD has a lifetime to build savings, you don't! She'd be paying rent if she weren't living with you. I just had to kick out my 25 year old DD who was living with me for free while in grad school, and although I was happy to pay for her living expenses (all of them, mind you) after a year it became an unbearable situation. She was always picking fights, not speaking to me, complaining about what I made (or didn't make) for dinner---I couldn't take it anymore. Look after yourself, because nobody else will. And yes, that includes your children quite often.

Your daughter sounds like an admirable young woman. You sound like you’ve worked your absolute arse off to raise her and help her become an admirable young woman. Would I charge my kids the same? No. Because my life is completely different from yours. I hope you both enjoy the next few years living together, being able to have a bit of fun and relax financially in a two income household while building some resilience into your mutual finances.

will you not get UC and CB with her being an apprentice, she's still in education?
splitting bills evenly is a bit harsh, can she do half of everything except rent?
yes you've struggled a lot having her but it was your choice not hers at the end of the day?
why aren't you working to get better income if the only reason your on UC is because of being a single parent?
can she get on the list for housing association? Least then you'd both get help from UC

Honestly. Have you read the thread at all?

Its a degree apprenticeship, it's not classed as further education, same as uni isnt. She will be earning 33k.
Why is it harsh that she pays living costs on that money but not harsh for me to cover everything bar a tiny contribution on the same wage?

Having a child was a joint decision with my husband. No one has mentioned him and his lack of contribution at all.

My earnings are above average for a woman in my area. Obviously im always looking to move up a pay band but there are a lot of job cuts/ recruitment freezes at the moment so it's tricky.

Dd doesn't want to move out yet and will in a few years have higher earnings. She would not go for a housing association and I dont understand why uc would help her then?

Wouldn’t be reality if she moved out and lived on her own either. Which she could do being an adult.

Whoever it is who said this is unreasonable clearly doesn’t live in the real world…!

My daughter pays one quarter of the council tax but half the gas and electricity
bill.Also her share of dental plan and Benenden and her phone.plus £200. She is saving quite well too

Sounds reasonable to me OP
Im single parent. Im preparing for when DS finishes college, as income will reduce. Child benefit & maintenance from his dad will stop. So my income will go down. DS1 will need to contribute to household bills as I won't be able to make ends meet otherwise. I have friends who can afford to sub their kids which is great for them, but unfortunately I don't have a magic money tree.
50% of shared costs in your scenario seems fair. I guess if DD moved out you could downsize property and bills would reduce as only one person.
At 18 they are adults and they need to understand life isnt free.

Exactly.

And dd is almost 20. She's totally fine with it.
Just my friend made me feel shit for not being in a different position. And then this thread....

She'll be paying a lot more than her mum is setting her.

You’re not a terrible person at all. Your daughter is happy to pay half of the living costs, it’s a win win for you both. Ignore your ‘so called’ friends comments. Life is financially tough, if you and your daughter can find a mutual way to make it work then do it. It’s nobody else’s business x