Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

@123dontcomeatme perfectly normal to pay your parents something once you start earning. Even when I was only earning £50 a week take home I gave Mum a tenner. That in itself was a rite of passage. Inconceivable to me not to pay something.

I fully agree, the government shouldn’t be subsidising salaries, so that employers can pay less.

I can understand your frustration. Many people on here, and your RL friend, are talking from a position of privilege. Our DC are students and we’re in the fortunate position of not needing to take housekeeping from their holiday jobs, but in your shoes I’d be doing exactly the same as you. It’s easy to be self-righteous about not taking money from your children when you’re comfortably off.

You’ve fought for and supported your child for 20 years. You took her away from an abusive household, and the benefit to her of growing up in a peaceful home is immeasurable. Your life should not be an endless penance for having had a violent husband who didn’t support his child. You’ve brought up a strong, independent woman and should be proud of you both.

Both of you are happy with the arrangements you have, and that’s all that matters.

I really do feel for those posters whose parents took advantage as soon as they were old enough to work, but this situation isn’t the same.

Im sorry to hear you are widowed. Can I ask if you own your home and if the mortgage is low?. Or if there are things like life insurance at play.
Because these are all important factors. On min wage, you would not be paying all costs and supporting a child at uni.

Im seeing dds adult job and withdrawal of govt support as that she is an adult and should support herself.

I would love to support dd but that's not the situation I am in.

Fml when did it become compulsory to pull apart an ops thread and vilify everything she says?
It does not matter what the exact figures are if op and her dd have worked them out between them.
Op you have done a wonderful job of raising an intelligent, hard working thoughtful and kind young woman. Unlike some of the arseholes on here who's offspring will likely be entitled, arrogant arses like them.

@123dontcomeatme it’s totally fair to charge dd

she is on an amazing wage for her age /apprentice. Those jobs go for £14/15k near me

you will lose a fair chunk and can’t afford the house without her

she won’t be able to live elsewhere for the same cost she pays you

if you and dd are happy with the arrangement then no one else matters

I am totally mind blown by your attitude.

You did not solely provide for your daughter. The government did.

A child doesn’t cost £600 per month to raise. They just don’t. Especially not in senior school when no wraparound care is needed (although you get more benefits to pay a chunk of childcare costs anyway). Barely any (any?) of your own, earned money was providing for your child, yet you talk about her like she’s a huge inconvenience and your posts read as though you are both angry with and jealous of her.

I understand the idea of wanting her to pay her way, I really do. But the rants about how you single handedly did X, Y, Z and the venom behind your posts…take a look at yourself. It may have been single handed in terms of parenting, but it wasn’t financially.

Good grief. People have been mean on here.
Take no notice OP you’ve done amazingly and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty

@Nina1013 did you miss the bit about OP left an abusive marriage.
You clearly have (fortunately for you) no idea what impact that has on you as a parent.
OP, you've done amazingly, raised a wonderful women, your friend sounds like an arsehole tbh and I'd be reflecting on whether to let the friendship go, as she also has no idea of the achievement that is you and your DD's life.
Hugs and love to you both 💗

She can use her DD's room for a lodger.

Nice bit of benefit bashing. Thanks

You do realise that children need a roof over their head, heat, hot water. Its not just cup a soups.🤔
Uc is means tested for a min standard set by the government.

If you have a problem with that and think children should be kept in deeper poverty and all that brings, write to your mp about it, dont go on at me.

And I've never had 600 in benefits.

Certainly I earn more than 600 a month and I can guarantee almost all of my wages has gone on dd.

I also dont know where anyone would get im angry or jealous of dd.

Proud as punch, yes..
Still taking time off work to do silly things with her as it's the school hols, even though she's nearly 20, yes.
Spending all day tomorrow with her helping her with life admin, catching up on gossip and brunch.yes. christ I am vile. 🤔

Of course they do, but so does the adult. The home benefits both.

I am all for the benefit system. What I’m not supportive of is people pretending they’ve had no help, when they have.

You say you need her to essentially plug the gap between what you’ve lost and what you now have, and in another post refer to losing £500-600 a month.

She is happy with what she’s paying, so I don’t even understand why you posted. It’s between you and her. My issue isn’t with you being supported by benefits to raise her (as above, I’m fully supportive of that), my issue is the ranty, angry way you talk about having raised her.

I was dealt a really awful hand with my eldest (never mentioned on here before), and was a single parent escaping abuse. There were other issues too. I’ve still never spoken about raising him in the way you’ve spoken about raising her. You sound so angry with her and with the last 19 years and I truly hope she never picks up on that.

I've said universal credit, child benefits and her fathers maintance. Or should he not pay?

I don't sound angry at her at all. Im angry at my friend and im angry at the ridiculous and mean posts. And im angry at her father for not contributing more, but, patriarchy. Blame me.

Crikey why are you so vicious?
OP is trying to defend herself against people like…well YOU to be honest.
Must feel fantastic to be sat there on your mighty perch, condescending to people who are just trying their best

Hmm my utilities are less than half than when DS was back from uni for holidays

It seems it's still cheaper for the DD than a room in a shared house

@123dontcomeatme , you said you dd has 1.2k left after paying her 50% share and you said you were paid the same, so do you have 1.2k left after paying your 50% share?

No. Ill have things like car insurance/ tax/ phone/ house insurance/ pet insurance/ tv licence and a 100 other things that also have to be paid for.

I am certainly not berating you at all. I got out of an abusive marriage 26 years ago, so I know all the difficulties that entails.

My point was that if your DD was to move out, your bills wouldn't drop by half; they would only drop proportionately. For example, when my DC moved out, the gas bill didn't change at all because I still had the heating on. My electricity bill dropped a bit because DS wasn't here with his computer on all day and he wasn't taking long showers (I have an electric shower). My water bill didn't drop significantly, and obviously my broadband cost was the same. As a result of only charging DC roughly what it cost to keep them, I didn't notice it financially when they moved out.

If you charge DD half of all the bills, yes you will be able to save, but at the same time, you will really notice it when she moves out and is no longer contributing.

People generally only opt out of free money if they cannot afford to pay their contribution. Do you really not realise this ? .

I wouldn't be living in this house if dd wasn't here. Or i would take a lodger.

I could not heat her 2 rooms. Im gas showers, so that would be a saving. Half the laundry would be loads. Id cancel subscriptions, id eat differently, shes a protein queen with dietary restrictions . There is so much I'd cut back on its just silly to pretend otherwise.

Actually when I used to work in civil service there were lots of people who opted out for all sorts of reasons. Commonly because they prefered to spend money on other things, didn't understand the important of pensions, or thought saving for old age was a waste.

I'm sorry tou had such an awful relationship with your mother, but you're projecting and awful lot onto the OP ☹️.

And yes, the OP did something exceptional. She removed her from an abusive household (something many never find the strength to do). She stayed grounded and focused, giving her daughter a comfortable upbringing, built a close relationship with her and helped her into becoming a successful young woman. Again, many single-parents struggle with providinv a happy and stable home environment. This is despite the stresses of being solely responsible for her upbringing and contrary to the stereotypical outcomes of children raised in single-parent households. The OP and her daughter sound absolutely awesome!

Think what you want about what the OP charges her daughter, but there's no denying she's done an exceptional job, which by the sounds of it is much better than your own mother managed.

Or didn't have enough money to stop their pill as they would then need tampons.