Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

I am sure this is true for some people but the OP and a huge number of others are too concerned with trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table now to have the luxury of worrying about the future .

I would be the same if my daughter moved out, although she does pay a fair amount enabling her to save too

This thread is really winding me up. No wonder our government is so shit if this is the way people think. The poster who thinks you should prioritise paying into a pension has clearly never had to decide which bill to pay or how to conceal from your dc that you're not eating dinner because you can't afford to and not that you're just not hungry. This is the reality for a lot if people.
My dd worked for the council and she managed to buy a flat on her own (thanks to covid and wfh so saved her quite expensive commuting costs, as well as being a good saver) she opted out of the works pension because the amount was set and she just couldn't afford to keep herself and pay into the pension. She has now got a better job and will start another pension but it's not easy.

Its not easy. And it's even less easy if 1 person is trying to support 2, on one womans gender pay gap wage.
Im sure i read something like 40% of people dont have a private pension mostly because they can't afford it. If it were more flexible im sure .more would save.

But then, this whole thread is pissing me off.

Op I'm not in the position you are nor are we at the stage where my children are working but I don't see there is anything wrong in what you are doing.

It would be lovely if everyone could help support their children later on in life, but most people can't. I've already said to my boys that once they finish education and are working full time, if they want to still live a home a contribution to their housing costs / bills will be applicable.

Your daughter seems happy with the arrangement and if my mother had suggested the same to me (single mother) when I was living at home, I would have (and did) paid what I needed to to ensure we both had a decent quality of life.
Your daughter knows the hardships you have gone through and the sacrifices you have made to ensure she had what she needed when she was a child. Now she is an adult, she seems to understand the goal posts have moved and we have to adapt accordingly.

Good luck to your daughter - to get an apprenticeship paying that well initially means she is a bright, intelligent girl.

Did you not notice that the 'child' is almost 20 and has a well-paid job? OP isn't demanding that a 6-year-old hands over her pocket money to pay the utility bills. 🙄

Honestly, the out of touch, judgemental smugging on this thread, especially in the first few pages, is just enraging. 'I'd rather sit in the dark eating cuppa soups than take money from my child', FFS. Suuuuuuuure you would.

What does it matter how much the OP has left over? Her DD is an adult on a good salary, same as OP, not a 16 year old with a weekend job. When would be a right time to start contributing to the household expenses? At 25? 30? When she hits £100k?

Regardless of the OP’s financial circumstances, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her DD to pay half of household expenses. Neither of them should be subsidising the other at this point.

That puts a different spin on it. I used to wash DS's clothes with mine, so his laundry (apart from his bedding) made no difference to me. He didn't eat here much, maybe twice a week if that, so my food bill didn't change significantly. He was only here half the week on average as he was either with his girlfriend or away on business. What I charged him in keep reflected all that.

It seems you have worked all this out, so in your circumstances, it looks like asking DD to pay half the bills seems fair.

Not unreasonable at all. Working adults support themselves. It doesn’t matter how much anyone else earns or has left to spend. How will people learn to live within their means if they continue to be subsidised once they are a full time working adult?

OP, you will know by now that this is a really divisive subject. There are lots of people who say their adult children can live at home until the end of time and pay nothing. Or they say the rent the child pays will be given back to them when they move out. I think these people are not financially struggling.

I have no idea what the total sum of UC etc you are losing. Obviously for both of you to keep living there, that money has to come from somewhere. Have you talked all this through with DD and showed her the household budget? Will you now have to pay full Council Tax, for example? How does DD feel about paying her way? It's worth explaining to her how the finances will change now that she's finished her education. Will she need special clothes/tools etc that she'll have to budget for?
If DD still has £1200 of disposable income, to be that sounds OK but I am one of the unfeeling parents who charges my DD something for meals/laundry etc because she lives with me 5 days a week and I'm on a not inexhaustible pension.
Communication is everything. And Well Done to your DD on her apprenticeship.

I'm with you, OP. Most on MN say they are on 6 figure salaries anyway, so the situations are not comparable, and they can't 'get it'.

When my son (then 21) was living with me and saving for his Masters, I wanted to help him, and so he paid me £300 a month for everything. I was out of pocket on that.

I could not have charged him less, and it was a good £150 cheaper than the cheapest room he could have rented at the time - and that would not have come with a Mum who did his laundry and cooked/cleaned (he was working 12 hour shifts) - not all support has to be financial.

Weirdly, it also seems to me, from observation, that the children who pay more of a 'going rate' when living with parents have more gratitude for what is done for them. It's the ones whose parents are able to charge them a pittance (or nothing at all) who act in an entitled way.

Or maybe it's simply that the middle classes are more entitled anyway, and they are the ones who can afford to have their children pay no rent?

You seem aggrieved by the so called gender pay gap that women create for themselves (full time NHS 24/7 shifts here) by not working full time or pushing up the pay scales.

If you’re on around 33k that is the top of band 5 and also means you can work OOH to earn more on top. I would be saying to DD now your older I will be working 2 weekends a month as bank to put a little away. Can you please show me you’re saving 25% per month and paying a token rent (maybe £100-150 to cover food etc). When I’m on bank shifts you will need to do some of the ironing or look after the dogs etc.

I don't disagree with her daughter contributing. I don’t like the fact that OP lied and made herself sound poor. She said she couldn’t afford to live in the current house without taking money from her which wasn’t true. When all bills, rent, food is paid, she has £800 per month spare, that’s hardly struggling. Why the need for lies?

The way I see it is that I will help my dc to the full extent of my capabilities. You have done this. Well done! You have brought her to the point that she will soon out earn you. It would be wrong for her to take from you at that point. She will be your equal in earning capacity when she starts her apprenticeship. She can pay her share.

Excuse me?? Nowhere have I insulted you. Absolute lie and you should be ashamed of yourself.

The following clearly implies you have a pension and and I'd like to know you could.think differently?

You said: If I then rejoin my pension scheme

I think you're just flip flopping because otherwise are you telling me that you voluntarily withdrew from the auto-enrolment?

However you cut it, you're hoping your daughter will support you building a retirement pot. You're either OK with that or you're not.

This

You hit the nail on the head here op. There's more than a whiff of misogyny and privilege in some of the replies.

Do both of you are earning £2400 a month ?
Your living costs must be really high if you need did to pay half.
I think paying half is too much myself.

Newsflash. Living costs are really high. Its constantly in the news?

Its not a personal failure of mine that Living costs ( especially on one wage) are high.

Yes I said re join the pension scheme. I had it for a short while then opted out because I couldn't afford it. I can re join it.

The gender pay gap is a genuine thing, not created by women being lazy 🤔

I dont have £800 ' spare' its all accounted for in things like clothes, shoes, car maintenance, Christmas, birthdays, household maintain etc for 2 people. I haven't always had this its fairly new.

I spoke with dd last night who just laughed and said she will be earning the same as me, why on earth would she not be contributing fairly. Shes happy with it because it is logical and fair. While it would be lovely if we just got given a house and could live for free, that isnt reality and shes too clever to think otherwise ( unlike some posters on this thread)

Ah OP! @123dontcomeatme This is mumsnet and it seems you must be forgetting you’re a woman, and a middle aged one at that - therefore you don’t matter, you are only here to facilitate others. You need to be a martyr. You should sit in a dark cold room wearing a sack and eating cup a soup. So that your daughter can keep every penny to herself forever more. Can’t you just wash your hair in washing up liquid or something? Or maybe just don’t bother. You need to make yourself as small and inconsequential as possible. After all you are a mother. And your daughter didn’t ask to be born.
this is the land of the privileged mumsnetters, who don’t really live in the real world - honestly just ignore them!

"so called gender pay gap"?

Haha!

"so called gender pay gap"?

Haha!

My eldest got an apprenticeship on minimum wage and paid £200 per month (she earnt around 1500) but she only stayed 50% of the time at ours. I’d have said £400 for full time.

I wouldn't charge my child that much rent to save money myself but that's just me.
You should have sorted a pension years ago and it's unfair that's now on your child. Just my personal views because you asked on an online forum.

🤣
Have you read any of this thread.

i do it because I’m still her mum and she works bloody long hours, I’m only part time. She puts a wash on if she needs clothes, is quite capable of cooking basic meals and does sometimes but if I’m cooking an evening meal for myself and dd2 who is 15 then why the bloody hell would I leave her out?

indrive her to work because we live rurally and she’s learning to drive. I pick her up again as it’s often on my way home from my work, I pass her work!

if I go away for the odd night or two, I come home and the house is spotless and washing is done, kitchen clean etc. she also looks after my dogs.

honestly the way we work in my house is we help each other, she’s still my daughter not just a paying bloody lodger!