To think single mothers are judged harshly because deep down society still thinks kids need fathers more than mothers admit?

[ByFirmTealViewer]

The way single mums get talked about is brutal. AIBU to think it’s because people still believe kids fundamentally need fathers, even if no one says it out loud?

What you’ve just said has nothing to do with my post.

I don't know anyone who says anything bad against single mothers. In fact I don't think I've ever heard anyone even using the phrase. But I do see it in the media and on discussion boards.

If someone was single because the dad had buggered off, you'd just say 'the dad isn't in the picture' or if it was because they died or divorced then I'd just say they're widowed or divorced.

Not having a partner and having children isn't an entire personality type, identity or social background?!

Whenever I hear someone being called a 'single dad' in the media, I always think they're fishing for sympathy? Maybe that's harsh. But it does seem to be painted in that light. Rather than a negative.

At the end of the day, it comes down to men being responsible for their actions (or lack thereof). Women are not responsible for the behaviour of men.

Your posts are absolutely blaming women. You seem to have a very low opinion of women in general.

Single mothers remind society that there are feckless fucking fathers

I don't understand the point you're making. Yes, women can now leave bad marriages. But to repeatedly pick terrible men with poor behaviour: the common denominator is the woman picking all these men. They need to pick better. The same goes for men. I was talking about an inability to hold down a relationship, or having multiple relationships: all the partners in question could be absolutely wonderful people, all it takes is a messed up woman (using the OP's example) for relationships to fail repeatedly.

I don't really understand what you're talking about.

I see a lot of women on here accepting flaky/unintetested father over no father because they assume that the former is better (I disagree)

I wonder if that is because it is harder to raise children on just one income and the mother may not be able to fully support alone and with the amount of men once divorced that go out of their way not to pay child maintenance, maybe it is thought better to stay where there is access to money and can build an exit strategy or they think they can make up for it by being the constant present parent vs divorcing and risking fighting for child maintenance and/or custody issues.

A friend of mine divorced her disinterested ex- husband. She begged for couples counseling for years and when she said she was done, he wanted to try it of course. He said he would be amicable and share custody and then changed his mind and decided to go for primary custody instead. He got it because he made more, had a solicitor his parents knew and paid for, and his immediate family was local, despite him having a medical condition

She worked but didn’t make enough to support her and child or hire a good solicitor , and was staying with a friend. Her cm payments were £350 which she couldn’t afford especially when she didn’t have a residence of her own so ended up having to move several hours away from her son and live with a family member, and luckily was able to transfer to another location for her work. The disinterested father’s had son taken care of by his mum.

Judge told her the only reason was she didn’t have the means alone which was true.

Friend did have son for some holidays and a few weeks in the summers but it was difficult since she lives 6 hours away with the closest family she had near her at the time.

I agree the media spin it differently for mums vs dads. A single dad often gets portrayed as heroic or sympathetic, while a single mum is more likely framed as irresponsible or pitied. That double standard is exactly what I’m pointing to.

I guess I am blaming some women for deliberately choosing men of low quality to father their children. Are you saying they are not at fault?

No because it's HER FAULT he isnt involved she stops him she restricts him she WANTS HIS MONEY that's why he cant see his children and court? That would cost THOUSANDS because she will MAKE UP STORIES about how EVIL he is so there is no point in even trying and wasting money because it's all in HER FAVOUR the courts are because she is the WOMAN

the reality is it's easier for him to move on unencumbered

I know people who went to court they got 50/50 through the court no matter what week it is she has those children daily she feeds and clothes them on her own he has them to sleep every other week pays for nothing no food not even a packed lunch drops them off before breakfast picks them up after tea the children love him endlessly and will resist any change so she is stuck no child support all the responsibly no love shown if she tries to change it they parrot we will tell the judge your hurting us and never see you again

You are not responsible for other people's choices

I have the loveliest two sons, both young adults now, I brought them up alone, father wasn’t in their life very much growing up. They have done really well in life, both got good jobs, both lovely young men, so maybe sometimes statistics are wrong.

Then 'society' needs to turn its scorn and judgement on all the shitty men who walk away from their responsibilities. Start judging the fuck out of shit dads who avoid paying a penny towards their children and who aren't arsed about being actual fathers.

Single mothers left doing it all aren't the problem.

Men fucking off and society judging the women for the choices of men is.

First two comments are spot on!
although I don’t get hate to my face at least I just get my friends telling me how amazing I am :-)

Yeah, in the tabloid and right leaning press..

Single mum- Irresponsible slapper who probably doesn't work and spends all the child benefit on herself. And would rather go to the beauty salon or chain vape than teach her children manners.

Single dad however equals hero of the century, saviour of the western world, poor hard done by lovely bloke who's evil feckless missus has abandoned him and their defenceless children for absolutely no reason. 🤬

Some really ignorant posts here.

All this talk of women just needing to ‘pick’ men and ‘choose’ better are over massively over simplifying. It is not the same as choosing which bread to buy, or a hairdryer where you can look online for reviews and make an informed choice!

It is sadly common for men to first become abusive when their partner is pregnant. Some men lead double lives, and their partner doesn’t know they’re being cheated on. Some men seem great but then bail when the responsibility of a baby becomes too much for them. Some men are abusive, and we know that abuse is insidious- it can be hard to recognise when in it, and behaviours like gaslighting can have a massive impact on a woman’s sense of judgement and self esteem. Lots of ‘red flags’ aren’t obvious, and you need to have a good sense of self worth and strong boundaries to recognise them.

Those women that keep getting into bad relationships are vulnerable due to trauma, they need compassion not shaming and blaming. The notion that ‘many’ women are so desperate to get pregnant that they don’t care who the father is, sounds like a misogynistic trope from the 00’s fuelled by the Jeremy Kyle show.

If a man decides to abandon his child, that is his choice and his responsibility. Let’s stop trying to blame women for men being crap. It’s boring and just enables men to continue getting away with it.

The point I'm making is that people can stay in terrible relationships. It isn't the tenure of the marriage that speaks to the quality. You can hold down a bad relationship. Some people in long relationships are miserable - I don't admire that. Social mores play a great role in what women accept in relationship and if you are willing to accept anything you can "hold down a relationship" for a long time indeed. I don't see this as a good thing.

Also a few things in your narrative are contradictions. If they are wonderful people why would they be picking a "messed up" woman? If they are wonderful then didn't the woman do a good job of picking them after all so how can you tell her to pick better? Perhaps I don't really understand what you are talking about.

The fault lies with the person who is so-called low-quality. Your assumption is that being low quality is obvious, It isn’t. My ex told me he would dig ditches to support his children if it came to it. Turns out once he was done with me, he was done with them too. That’s his shit, not mine. He certainly never expressed any inclination that his behaviour would deteriorate in such a way. He was a great partner until the day he wasn’t. You are suggesting the failure is on women for not having a crystal ball.

This with bells on.

I don’t judge single mothers.

I do think children need more than one adult to raise them.

Yep. My husband is called a "hands on father". No one has ever called me a hands on mom. Ever! Whatever I do is expected from me by society. Maybe men are "the prize" honestly cause wow! you can never win as a woman!

haha this is why I will only have children if I get to be the "father".

No, again, I am talking about those women who already know their partner is not a good choice of father, but go ahead and get pregnant anyway. I know they exist, because they post here daily.

It’s not a right-wing position to argue that single motherhood isn’t ideal.

You could just as easily argue it from a left-wing socialist perspective; that is not good for society as a whole for the taxpayer to be shouldering the burden for feckless fathers who pay no child support. It’s not good for the children themselves, nor for wider society.

Is single fatherhood ideal? Why are one group treated as hero's? Why isn't more blame placed on absent parents who don't support their children?

Oh, you mean the men who don't or won't wear condoms?

Sigh.

Why the hyperbole? Did I say single fatherhood was ideal? No. Why you have the impression one group is treated as heroes - I’ve no idea.

I agree that blame should be placed on parents who don’t make the necessary effort to support their children on every way - practically, emotionally, financially.