To think single mothers are judged harshly because deep down society still thinks kids need fathers more than mothers admit?

[ByFirmTealViewer]

The way single mums get talked about is brutal. AIBU to think it’s because people still believe kids fundamentally need fathers, even if no one says it out loud?

I disagree.

Intersectional misogyny.

Yes, women are supposed to be fully formed adults, pick perfect men and if they don't that's their own fault. Nothing to do with men being manchildren who sleep around and create multiple lives with multiple women. In medicine we treat the patient by making them strong and then getting rid of the disease...

I still think the judgement towards single mums comes from a Victorian ‘fallen woman’ thing!

Sex out of wedlock - morally corrupt!

I agree with the first answer- misogyny.

A lot of people will assume negative things like the mothers babytrapped the man (rather than the possibility that the man didn’t use contraception) or that mum keeps the dad away from the kids (rather than the possibility that dad only wants to see the child once a month for a couple of hours) because of misogyny.

I see a lot of women on here accepting flaky/unintetested father over no father because they assume that the former is better (I disagree)

I absolutely judge, in the harshest of terms, anyone who walks away from their kids. I don't judge people for walking away from a bad relationship. I do judge people for cheating. Sometimes it's a shock, sometimes it was inevitable. I think it's horrible that some women don't have better self esteem or hold their self worth in their relationship status.

That’s exactly it, even when the dad is the one who leaves, mums still carry the harsher judgement. It shows how deep that bias runs.

So you think women are assumed to be keeping the men away from their children?

Bullshit

Women are blamed because society seems to think the men who left are not the problem.

Women are blamed because apparently having sex and getting pregnant is a sign of a loose irresponsible woman. The man shes having sex with is never to blame.

Women are blamed if they are poor or less educated or not white even more than other women because then they get to add "feckless" etc to the judgement.

Dated for years; married for years and then discussed and tried for much longer for children. Unfortunately I wasn’t to know that my ex husband was a pathological liar who had been cheating from the outset. The final affair was with another married women which tore two families apart with five children involved. I had no inclination my ex and father of my children was capable of the above. I am a single mother albeit one with a ‘professional’ career, so perhaps escape some of the wrath but I do have to rise above comments. I blame men who cannot and do not step up to protect and love their families. It is very sad, but also an opportunity to raise sons who respect women, families, wellbeing of their children.

Exactly. It's misogyny.

Single fathers are often judged in a far more flattering light than single mothers when the people doing the judging have absolutely no idea why there is only one parent.

Like this- common perception/stereotype: single father is a hero, single mother is a either a failure or immoral. Even if in real life, the single father is the immoral one and single mother is the hero (eg rescued herself and offspring from violent father, widowed through bad luck, partner just couldn't handle parenthood and took off, etc).

I will say though that i think the tide is turning. As seen by this thread and how in real life more and more I hear people, men and women, commenting negatively on the man who fucks off.

There's still the daily mail outraged at time, especially for single mothers on benefits etx, but it's not as bad as it was.

The heart of the issue we currently have with the childless generation is that women know they risk having to do it by themselves. In the current climate where living alone is not affordable, the adult who traditionally earns less is supposed to support kids on a wage and work around childcare payments. Or stop working so they don't have to pay for childcare, which works out cheaper for the majority. Really every woman should make sure they can pay for everything for kids solo before having kids as so many men now walk away and never pay.

Same

I think life is easier for a child with two parents, having a loving father as well as a loving mother not to mention all that extra income is really nice. On the other hand if the father is abusive, has no interest in the child, doesn't contribute to the family, drinks, takes drugs, is unfaithful, or various combinations of these (and other things) the mother and child are better off without.

I think often there is a lingering why is the father not around? Most people don't know the ins and outs, and can be puzzled about the situation.

I don't think society judges single mothers anymore.

But children do better - statistically - as a cohort that minimises the exceptions - when they have the benefit of living with both of their parents and the investment of their time and money in just about every majority metric we use to assess health and wellbeing.

So no, I don't think women are typically subjected to judgement if they are a single parent in the way they were all but a decade or so ago but it is still true to say that kids do better with a Dad (again, at a statistical level, not if their Dad is an arsehole or their parents have a dysfunctional relationship that undermines any benefits).

I believe kids are better off with a good Dad in the picture but I don't judge single mothers so I don't know what you mean really.

As PP have said it's misogyny plus classism and racism in a lot of cases.

I definitely don't judge majority of single mothers.

I do judge single mothers who weaponise children or who try to find ways to prevent fathers from seeing their children and continuing a relationship with them because they feel hurt etc. As that's not in the interest of the child (controlling or domestic abuse being an exception to the above).

I definitely don't judge majority of single mothers.

I do judge single mothers who weaponise children or who try to find ways to prevent fathers from seeing their children and continuing a relationship with them because they feel hurt etc. As that's not in the interest of the child (controlling or domestic abuse being an exception to the above).

Yes, that’s exactly the double standard - men banish and it’s brushed off but mums are saddled with the blame and every stereotype going. The judgement isn’t really about fathers at all, it’s about policing women.

I am not sure how to vote. Despite the resentment from so many MN posters, of course kids need their dad just as much as they need their mum.

If a crap guy walks out on his kids, not sure why it's the mum who would be judged.

Women who use their children as weapon on the other hand, and prevent them from seeing their own father, or try to stop them to meet on birthdays, Christmas...
Despicable women.

Agreed. OP your argument doesn't make sense- have the grace to admit it instead of trying to patch it up and make it fit. First post nailed it.

Of course a supportive, present father can make things easier. But I think you’re right that the lingering “why isn’t he around?” often ends up directed at the mum, even when the circumstances are completely outside her control. That’s where the unfair judgement creeps in.

You can vote YABU and still think fathers are important and kids are much better off with a (decent) one than without. OP asked if that's WHY single mothers are judged. It's not.

Misogyny. I hope the birth rate continues to drop - to the darkest depths of hades.

I think deep down people think we're slags 🤣🤣🤣🤣 in reality most single mothers can't remember having a sex life.