To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

Wtf, this is crazy. You'd let your 12 year old go and stay in a house you don't know, with people you don't know and not even check in with the parents first? That's top class parenting right there.

This used to happen when my kids had a sleepover years ago.
I didn't think too much about to be honest.
Just told my lad that ' Jack's mum said he wasn't allowed to come on a sleepover to ight'.
No fuss, no drama.
Life doesn't always go to plan

I’d have been very clear the only reason they were getting to go to sleepover is because it’s not fair to let a friend down, but the punishment would be x, y, z instead, and carry that out.

I would assume it wasn't just an argument and the mum doesn't want to give the details. If the DC hit or swore at her or broke something in anger then letting them go to a sleepover would be ridiculous. Hopefully letting down her friend is extra reinforcement to think of consequences in future.

I agree.

actions have consequences- and sometimes if the behaviour is bad enough that means not doing the nice things planned - and that's fully on the shoulders of the kid misbehaving.

sometimes they act up all the more as they think their parents wouldn't cancel something like this and a wake up call is needed.

if the op and her daughter are upset then their upset should be at the 12 year old acting up and causing this , not at the parent.

that is if the 12 year old is telling the truth about why they are cancelling

Don't be silly!

Not one person is saying dont punish!

Some people will say anything g to justify their argument 😂

Can't believe anyone (assuming the other.mum had agreed the sleepover) would think this is acceptable behaviour

I wonder if it is an excuse because her dd has got cold feet.
If not, extremely disrespectful on theother mother's part both to you and you daughter. Also humiliating her own daughter and she should not be sharing this stuff about her with you both.

Well, that’s absolutely nuts!

I would take a guess that the mum had absolutely no idea this was happening.

12 year olds make plans all the time.

You may think it’s fine but they do need parental contact and supervision when it comes to overnights.

next time make proper and considered plans with the parent.

How can you have someone’s kid for a sleepover without having their parents detail. What do you do in an emergency. Call the authorities to start searching? Oh wow !

Trying to imagine what kind of argument would result in getting grounded. That seems pretty extreme.

I think it seems unfair too OP.

When my son was aged 6 & had been looking forward to a friend's afternoon birthday party it was pulled the morning of the party. The child had misbehaved & their parents said 'right, no party for you'. Disappointing for DS so I took him to a local playpark with rides, animals to pet etc instead. I have no idea what the birthday child had done, but I'd known him since he was a baby & he was an handful. His parent's discipline is their responsibility, I wouldn't criticise, even if it did cost me about £30 to take my DS out as compensation for missing a party + the cost of the birthday present. Though he also got the Lego that I'd bought as a birthday present for his friend, so win-win from his POV.

All you mums who think it's ok to punish someone else's child along with your own can you really, truly, genuinely, not think of a single other punishment you could give ?

Have you got any inkling of how much the other mum despises you when you do this to them? Have you? Regardless of if they smile at you at say "no, it's ok, I understand" because i've done that myself in my younger days it was very very hard to hide my contempt though.

I think OP, the clue to this thread is in your comment where you referenced the fact that you are ADHD.

Yes, it's irritating that plans have to be cancelled last minute.....but....you don't know why the friend has been grounded. You don't know the family and have never spoken to the mother. There could be very good reasons for the punishment.

It feels like a massive overreaction on your part, especially as you've now managed to get another friend to come in her place.

Presumably, the plans that were in place before can still be followed so luckily, nothing lost? And your DD is still happy?

I understand you were annoyed but I really think you've blown this up into something huge when it doesn't need to be. It's a bit of an irritation, nothing more.

And I say all this as a woman who's both autistic and ADHD. I recognise the big, heartfelt reactions that in retrospect were perhaps a little OTT.

Try and forget about this - put all your focus on the DC having a lovely day. Don't give this headspace.

Mum was dropping off the child so met then. Also swap numbers then.

I wouldn't re-arrange the date. I hope you and dd do something fun. Don't invite the girl.

I agree with you OP.
This is letting someone down last minute.
Not a lesson I would teach my children is a good one.
If a punishment was necessary, it could be deferred.
I think it is awful to mess people about like that.
Really rude.
Teens and parents have run ins......you don't mess others around.
Hope your daughter has a lovely day with her other friend.

My kids are also ND. If consequences aren’t received in the immediate aftermath of whatever rules have been broken or whatever, it will have precisely zero effect. I do agree though that mum should have called to let you know and apologise, not hear it from the kids.

Your 12 year old asd daughter comes to you and says ‘I’m staying at Mary’s house on Friday night’ and you just say ‘lovely, off you go, see you tomorrow’?
I think that a fairly unusual approach

What if the DD had been out three hours past curfew the day before, or had been bullying another child, or had stolen a bottle of wine from the parents... lots of scenarios where immediate grounding is the only punishment.

And that the thing... we don't know what has happened.

On the other hand, my DD has a friend who seems to get grounded for breathing wrong and no one bothers making plans with her really which is a bit sad.

I agre, really bad manners.

Regardless of why it was cancelled friend or mum- doing it so late is bad form!

If you've only heard from the dd, you don't know when the grounding happened. Her mum might have been telling her since yesterday she needs to contact her friend, but she's been delaying out of embarrassment or hoping her mum might change her mind.

Other mother has her reasons and maybe the girl is not an angel at home. Mother starts as she means to go on. You too should teach your daughter that 'stuff' happens and to suck it up but, and this is a very big but, you can make up for it by doing something else fun yourself. Take her somewhere nice and get her something to cheer her up.

Its not the parent at fault its her daughter whos done something wrong and now has to face the consequences

Yr 7 dd had a party and sleepover to go to but her behaviour was so, so appalling to me I cancelled with half an hour to go. I told her it was off, I messaged the mother that I had withdrawn permission.

At the appointed time, I saw dd heading out the door with her father and a bag over her shoulder to go to this party. I let rip. Both barrels. No way was she to play off between her father and I. Poor DH had no idea.

She never behaved so badly to me again.

My mind is truly blown by this. My child would never be allowed to stay with a friend whose mother thought this was an acceptable way to parent. It’s pure negligence