To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

We’ve wiggled some plans around and another friend is coming over today instead of next week.

we’ve had a lot of dd and mum treat days I wanted some time off 😂

The other child's mother only has a responsibility to punishing bad behaviour in a consistent way to her child. She absolutely shouldn't be rewarded with a sleepover with a friend.

It's your responsibility to regulate your daughter and deal with disappointment. Last minute cancellations happen. Her friend could have become ill and would have had to cancel. A relative could have died and she'd have had to cancel. This is reality.

There's nothing stopping you and your daughter enjoying whatever snacks you bought and having a movie night instead.

You might want to consider that the friend changed her mind and her mum made the excuse. 12 year olds are not the most reliable people.

I would give an alternative punishment that didn't punish other people. I'm sure I could think of something equally horrible.

Did you ring the mum to let her know you'd paid/organised things and ask if there was anything that could be done?

Absolutely this.

And as this has come from the child, not the parent, I’d say you can safely assume that this is not the result of a one off argument but rather has likely be a culmination of things where this friend has repeatedly been warned that the sleepover would be cancelled if behaviour continued and this is final straw.

@itispersonal You've not spoken to the child's mother?

If this cancellation and reason has come only from the 12 year old, I'd be more inclined to believe she just doesn't want to have a sleep over tonight.

That's awful for your daughter,does she have another friend she could invite over instead?

I don’t know the mum, don’t have her number!

Thats why I would always contact the other parent to apologise profusely if they had been put out or if it was last minute.

It’s private in the sense that it’s a personal parenting decision and the OP and her daughter don’t actually have any knowledge of what the incident was that led to the sleepover ban - was it just an argument or the last straw? A small argument or an argument over a serious incident? Nobody knows what’s gone on. The parent has made the decision she thought was best for dealing with her child. I remember countless times from sleepovers when I was younger when a friend couldn’t join the group that night because they had misbehaved. Thats normal right?

Sometimes the incident or argument or situation might have been serious enough to warrant not letting the child go to a sleepover. In that case it would be proportionate (maybe even a light punishment!) These things happen. It’s part of life. I think I would always support a parent disciplining their child and trust they are doing the right thing even if it does put me out a bit. It’s swings and roundabouts. One day I might be the parent who’s grounding their kid from their friends sleepover.

The OP being disappointed and annoyed is valid, but it doesn’t mean the other mother has done anything wrong here.

It’s your daughters friend that has let your daughter and you down, not the mother.

I think for the vast majority of the time it’s rude- as it impacts the people you’ve made plans with. Having said that; in rare circumstances where their behaviour/the argument was extreme and out of the norm of pre-teen/teen attitude then sometimes it’s the only option.

This is tricky as you don't know the full story.
Is there the possibility that actually being a bank holiday weekend the girls family have plans and were not even aware their daughter intended on coming to yours for the sleepover, so she has made up an excuse of being grounded as this might sound nicer than saying she has something better to do?

I don't really know how sleepovers work at that age so it sounds like it's always a bit of a risk if you are relying on the children to sort things themselves.

Kindly, you have absolutely no idea what the other child has done. It could be something horrific (bullying, lying, stealing) and the child has reframed it as an ‘argument’ with her mum. She’s hardly going to admit what she’s done.

It is inconvenient but I’m glad you’ve managed to sort something else out. However I do believe that parents should be entitled to make these calls - although a polite sorry call to you wouldn’t have gone amiss.

This annoys me a lot. I wouldn’t stop my dd from going to a sleepover unless the crime was really bad.

I don’t think I’d let my 12 year old go to a sleepover if I didn’t know the parents, to be honest. But then I’ve never had a 12 year old so maybe that’s odd, I’m not sure. But maybe it’s that and she’s too embarrassed to admit she’s not allowed?

I agree. Why should your dd be punished?

Ask the child for it then. YABVU blaming her for causing you inconvenience when you are taking a 12 year olds word for why she isn't coming.

I suspect the friend made other plans and therefore has made up an excuse knowing that you have no way of contacting her mum. Sorry.

YANBU could you ask another friend to come in her place. You (or your dd) would have to be totally honest though and say you've been let down by someone else.

I used to hate women who punished my child when punishing theirs.

Something similar happened with my DC6 last year. Play date all planned, then the other child was naughty and it was cancelled as a punishment. DC absolutely gutted as had been looking forward to it for ages. I had to explain that they hadn’t done anything wrong. Shitty parenting from the other side IMO, sympathies OP.

She’s had her phone taken off (or not replying so can’t).

You are being completely unreasonable. Your daughter will learn that life happens! Her daughter will learn that behavior has consequences. Perfect life lesson for both.

We have done this!

In future I wouldn't organise sleepovers unless you have confirmed with the parent as my experience with my 12 year old is they can make all sorts of plans that aren't rooted in reality. How do you know this girl had even told her parents? Entirely possible she's said to her mum 'I'll be away on a sleepover tonight', her mum's gone 'er what are you talking about, no you aren't, we're doing something else' and now the daughter is trying to save face by blaming her mum.

None of us know how bad her behaviour was during this argument, or how it is at home in general. I think the other mum did the right thing in parenting her own child..

Reading how it has affected you, I might, if this happens to us in the future, say "you are going for the afternoon and not for a sleepover"
But overall I understand the other mum's position.

It’s not about the dd learning a lesson! I as a parent wouldn’t do it so late in the day! Also if friend being flakey wouldn’t let her to that also! All for me- commit to your commitments unless its life or death!