To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

My brother complained my sister used to do this a lot to him and his family, and it was very hard on his kids, constantly being let down.

I’d be annoyed in your shoes.

However the worst punishment for a child is having to tell a friend you were rude to parents so can’t go out. It sticks and teaches taking responsibility for your own actions.

I don’t disagree it punishes the host too but I agree with the consequence.

Take your dd out and do the planned activities and use it as time to bond.

Agree. It's a bank holiday weekend. Lots of people have plans with family. I wouldn't be committing to something without a parents agreement or having their number, especially as you know being let down has a big effect on your daughter.

There’s no way I’d be letting my twelve year old daughter stay at a friend’s without knowing the parents and confirming the arrangements. It could be that this is the first the mother has heard of the sleep over and she’s just said ‘no way’

Give a punishment that doesn't involve someone's else's child having a punishment?

Especially if youre literally due round there!

Op, thats appalling behaviour

Very rude of this parent. I hope you let her know that you had plans etc and daughter very upset.

That may be the way you live your life but that’s not the way real life works. There are always going to be disappointments and the earlier in life you learn that the easier it is to cope with them.

This. Don’t punish other peoples kids when you’re supposed to be punishing your own. Plenty of other consequences she could have given.

Oh I see you have another friend now.

Job done then. And if this child becomes flakey due to her behaviour or lack of planning skills she’ll learn to improve them!

So are you saying a child shouldn't be punished by their parents if it puts you out?
I think it's perfectly fine unless you've both them tickets the West End etc and will have lost hundreds of pounds

I agree with you op ..I have a DD with some minor sn who doesn't have a particularly busy social life...she'd hugely look forward to a sleepover and would be so upset to have it cancelled. I think the mum should have chosen a different punishment.

Lot of assumptions being made, who’s to say the mum even knew about the sleepover??
if she did - can’t win these days. So many people moan that people don’t discipline their children yet when they do, thats wrong too.

Which isn’t the point of the punishment. To delay it would be rewarding bad behaviour.

It doesn’t have a big impact on dd, it’s more me! I’m annoyed but yes dd was disappointed.

Regardless of why it was cancelled friend or mum- doing it so late is bad form! If parent not ok with sleepover they could just do the activity and go home!

luckily we have been able to make plans with another friend so day not wasted

You have absolutely no idea with the friend did or said for that punishment to be made. And frankly, it is up to her mum to deal with, not you. It maybe preferable if in future you make contact with the parents before arranging sleepovers.

So basically you don’t know whether the argument was because the mum didn’t know there was a sleep over until the child mentioned it last minute. There may have been other plans.

I wouldn’t do a punishment which put other people out when you should already be there!

if my dd was being a pain , I’d want the night off from her attitude! Not have her in house being even worse as they’ve missed the sleepover! But also I wouldn’t use a sleepover as a punishment

Honestly I think this is on you OP for just taking a 12 year old’s word that these plans were happening in the first place.

At 12 arrangements start to be made amongst themselves and, provided permissions are given, parents stay out of it. Therefore I view it as the girl has let your dd down, not the mum. It's disappointing but there could be 101 other reasons why something could get cancelled at the last minute. It's all part of moving towards the next stage of social development.

As a parent it wouldn’t occur to me to have a twelve year old girl to stay without having contact with her mother first. What on earth would you do in an emergency if you don’t even have the woman’s number? Imagine it was the other way round - would you really let your daughter go of and stay at a stranger’s house without having heard from the mother first?

Then maybe next time confirm with the other parents that they know about the plans.

I'd say kudos to the other mum for parenting her child properly.

It’s irrelevant to me, the plans were made and cancelled when they should have been there. Regardless of why it’s bad form on the friend or the mum or both!

if they aren’t not happy with a sleepover they could have done the afternoon!

Yes

Nope. They are parenting correctly.
OPs daughter isn't being punished.