To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

YANBU. How frustrating.

Or how about, the punishment doesn't impact other people in this way. It is not good parenting to involve another family in this way.

I dare say the punishment will exacerbate the problem anyway. I.e. the DC is going stir crazy in the holidays, the chance to get out and let off some steam is now removed.

I have no time for parents that mete out these types of 'punishment'. It has never been necessary to be so dramatic with any of my DC and they are very 'well behaved' despite being ND (before someone suggests it).

OK for the parent to ground daughter, but communication should be from the mum (or dad, if applicable), not just a text from daughter to daughter 👍

Has the other mum contacted you? If not thats a bit out of order i would say.

Has the mum phoned up to apologise?

But that’s not how reinforcement works - delaying it just makes her think the behaviour was okay

This is a 12 year old, not a toddler. Old enough to connect a punishment with a crime even if it happens later.

Exactly this. Her daughter did something wrong and she is being punished age-appropriately. It’s really important a parent doesn’t concede or not follow through for it to be effective. It’s the most normal thing in the world for a parent to withdraw their child from something they want to do as a punishment. Things like grounding or not being allowed to go somewhere with friends is the most normal thing in the world. It happens to millions of teenagers everyday. It happens to millions of teenagers friends every day.

When a parent is disciplining their child, why on earth would they take into account their child’s friends feelings? I understand it more if for example they were both going on a special trip or to a concert or something where the friend might not be able to go at all if not accompanied by the friend getting disciplined, but a sleepover is quite low-stakes and can be rearranged for another time.

I understand it’s disappointing for you that you have gone to this effort and the mum should ring to kindly apologise for any inconvenience this may cause but she’s correct for her method of discipline. It’s a private matter.

I agree with this^ there were plenty of things she could have used as a punishment after. The only thing is that sometimes in an argument you can say something out of emotions and then you can’t back down so maybe this has happened with this mum, not intentionally towards you.

I would expect the mother to personally call and explain the situation. It's totally unfair, especially if food has been bought and/or activities planned. She could have restricted the time spent at yours or something similar. Giving your child a punishment is one thing but not at the cost of it impacting multiple others. There are other ways to teach your child a lesson, and there will be several opportunities to do so in the future.

I don’t know the mum secondary school friend! But friend didn’t apologise to dd, if I knew where friend live I would have gone and spoken to the mum.

I don’t think a delayed punishment is a bad thing for 12 year old! They can manage the difference they aren’t 4! Yes there are other punishment - no pocket money, chores, no phone when get back etc.

Yes, again it’s like our time and money isn’t valued. We would have planned alternative things to do today.

Sounds like an excuse to me, I think your Dads friend didn’t want to come but didn’t want to let you all down so her mum has come up with an excuse for her. It’s really hard saying no thank you to some people!

Dds not dads 🙄

It’s a shame that this has meant they’ve let down your daughter but honestly, teenagers/preteens and hell, kids in general, push our buttons and we just down hard on them without much thought to how it’s going to have a knock on effect. No one is perfect. Find something that will cheer up your child and move on from this. One day you might be the mum who reacts this way.

Did the friend tell her mum about the sleepover in the first place? Maybe she didn’t and when she went to leave the mum said no.

So it’s come from the friend that this is the reason? It’s probably much more than a simple argument in that case

Likely you haven't had the full story if the communication has just been through the 12yos.

Most likely its been a string of things and today has been last straw.

The adhd rejection part of my brain also thinks this, but they have been talking about it for weeks and friend has had no big plans during the holidays! Where we’ve had to fit her in!

I think grounding and removing phones doesn't solve any problems or stop arguments. It doesn't work.

It's incredibly rude to inflict the punishment on another child, and inconvenience another family that had made other plans.

The punishment shouldn't have involved the sleepover imo.

It never made any of mine (3 now adults and 1 hit 16 so far of the 6) see their punishments as any lesser when they were delayed or worked around plans already in place.

If it's part of an ongoing issue then the parents should have given the Op a heads up. That happened with one of DS1's friends - he went through a stage where his parents said they wouldn't be able to commit to saying yes while he was being a nightmare. Sometimes that meant kids were prepared to wait until last minute, sometimes they invited someone else. At least they weren't let down last minute

Cancelling a sleepover is extreme and YANBU

It's not a private matter when you behave so inconsiderately to someone that has gone to time, effort and expense to host your child. It should be a private matter, that means that you do not involve other people.

Possibly but to leave it so late is shitty!

Can you at least still take your DD and have Mum & DD treat day - do t make it the same but equallly as special ?

Exactly but if you ground, remove phone and don’t let them go on a sleepover for every argument then

(a) your child is going to go out and have a phone much

(b) you have no wiggle room at all for things that matter

(c) you are destroying your relationship

arguing (having a difference of opinion) is normal in mother daughter relationships at this age onwards it is part and parcel of figuring out boundaries and rules and should be solved by the argument itself.
anyone who says they don’t have arguments with them are either lying or have children that dont trust them and are lying from them

DD is a straight A 16 year old who has never gotten a detention at all and we have arguments

so either the parent overreacted, something else happened or the girl didn’t want to go

I’d see it as my daughter being responsible. Her behaviour was so bad that she was grounded and as a consequence she has let her friend down, not me. The punishment has to be immediate, it’s no good letting her go off for a treat and then grounding her once she gets back home.